Shaking Hands

6 Conversations


The act of shaking hands, usually the right one, is the most often used semi-formal introduction in modern culture. It is a familiar gesture to establish kinship and to make the foray into conversation more fluid.


Typically, men treat a handshake differently than women. To women, it is a formality; the hand-to-hand contact is more important than the muscle behind it. Also, because a handshake is a show of strength and most women aren't as physically strong as their male counterparts1   a hug is generally preferred.


To men, a handshake is a challenge akin to arm wrestling.2   It is a proof of strength, as in "I am someone to be reckoned with. Stay away from my wife."3  


The ideal handshake is strong, firm and authoritative. As a race, we're not content with mere verbal introduction. Saying "Hello" doesn't make the same impression as grabbing someone's hand, pumping it up and down and smiling in a disarming manner. It is critically important that you do not wince if the person you're introducing yourself to is crushing your hand. They will never respect you if you do.


If you are the victim of one of these attacks It is of equal importance that you look your attacker in the eye. This says "I, too, am someone to be reckoned with. I am weaker physically, but am a strong person nonetheless," or in other words, "I won't bark if you don't bite."


Over the last few years, variations of the standard greeting have sprung up. A few of the many are listed below.


'Secret Handshake'--For those initiated to some society or another, or for young children trying to keep the class nerd from talking to them. It involves something complex that only the chosen would know. See Freemason handshakes and their use in Gatecrashing.


'Hug/Shake'--approach and clasp hands. Pull your partner toward yourself and hug with the other hand.

''Kiss/Shake'--The same as above, with a kiss instead of a hug. Usually men unto women.


'Hug/Shake Variation'--For those insecure about their sexuality, the free hand can pat the partner on the back instead of a full-fledged hug. Three pats signify "I'm...not...gay" with a delayed fourth meaning "...yet."


'Vicarshake'--Standard handshake with the addition of the attacker's other hand surrounding the victim's as if greeting parishoners on the way out of a chapel. Can be used to overcompensate for being physially overpowered, and is the most condescending of handshakes. It says "You are stronger, and yet I still look down upon you."


Most of the above compensate for the fact that a handshake is a very lopsided gesture--one doesn't know what to do with their other hand, and it's better to pat someone on the back with it than to wave it around.

1A necessary generalization. Be kind.2Albeit, a socially acceptable version that does not (usually) involve hot, sweaty men and beer.3Car, job, dog, stapler, etc.

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