• Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
• As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
• Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
  arm and repeat process.
• Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill
  from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
  hand.
• Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
• Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
• Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
• Call
  spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
  hold front and rear paws.
• Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
  firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
  down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
• Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
  note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
  figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
• Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
  below armpit.
• Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
  pencil and blow down drinking straw.
• Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
  take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
  carpet with cold water and soap.
• Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
• Get another pill. Open another beer.
• Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
• Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
  band.
• Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
• Drink beer.
• Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
  cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress
  to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch
  new one from bedroom.
• Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ******* cat from tree across the
  road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
  cat.
• Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little *******'s front paws
  to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
  heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
• Push pill into mouth followed by
  large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2
  pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
• Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
  room, sit quiet while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
  remnants from right eye.
• Call furniture shop on way home to order new
  table.
• Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
  shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Wrap it in bacon!

Adapted from 'anon' by ni^bor

01.11.01. Front Page

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