Take us to your leader. Failing that, do you know a good restaurant that serves gaach?

The problem with early European explorers in the New World was that they didn't read enough science fiction. Any Trekker would have known better than to pull some of the howlers they did. North American people were always laughing at them, and no wonder. Some of these doughty heroes made enough gaffes to make Arnold Rimmer look like Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Test your knowledge/guesswork about early European explorers in North America. Their feet were planted firmly – in their mouths.

1. The Winnebago found the French a bit odd. What did the first French visitor do when he saw a Winnebago smoking a pipe?
2. The Micmac were even less impressed by French architectural ideas. What was their main criticism?
3. The Iroquois found the French hilarious, especially when the gullible gits paid so much for old beaver pelts. What were the Iroquois doing with the pelts, before they sold them to the French?
4. The Spanish weren't the sharpest pencils in the box, either. What was Hernando de Soto looking for in Mississippi?
5. De Soto wasn't the only one. What was Juan Pardo supposed to be doing when he crossed North Carolina and the Appalachians in 1566?
6. The Dutch had weird priorities. Everybody knows that they paid the Lenape $24 worth of trade goods for the right to settle Manhattan. But then they turned around and gave up New Netherland to the English. In return for what?
7. The English were big liars. At least, John Smith was. He told everyone that Pocahontas was madly in love with him. What was wrong with that story?
8. Thomas Morton, a 17th-century New Englander, kind of liked the Massachusetts Indians. He thought their houses were interesting. Which European group did he compare them to?
9. Early English settlers suffered from woeful ignorance of the local flora. What happened to some 17th-century English soldiers who ate the wrong salad at Jamestown?
10. Back in the day, a Scots lad fell in love with a Cherokee girl. She kind of liked his curly red hair, we understand. So they got married, but the Cherokee gave him a new name. What was it?

How well did you know, or guess, this early contact lore? Click on the explorer to find out.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

10.02.14 Front Page

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