10 tests to check your inner voices

We have all heard them. The annoying voices who simply won't shut up when you try to go to sleep. We have all been forced to turn up the volume to be able to hear the stereo in spite of a great argument in our heads. And we've all had to go to the bathroom during lunch break to pour a glass of water over our left foot to calm down the nervous voice living there. Haven't we?
But sometimes it can be confusing to tell which voice tells the truth in an argument. That's why I've developed these guidelines to help you. You're welcome.

1. If a voice keeps hesitating and uses words like "hmm..", "well..." and "as a matter of fact..." don't trust it. It's a sad excuse for intelligence and should be ignored if possible - God knows the other voices do
2. If three or more voices team up against a voice, they're probably right. They can't all suffer from delusions
3. A voice that only appears when you've eaten pizza with anchovies is too specialised to be consulted often. Especially if you have pizza questions since it for some reason always insists on extra anchovies
4. A voice that's always happy shouldn't be trusted. Never trust anyone who's smiling all the time
5. Whispering voices are dangerous. Why are they whispering? Are they trying to hide something from the other voices? And when they whisper to you, who knows what they whisper to the other voices when you're not listening?
6. Be aware of voices of the other sex. They may be out to trick you. Exceptions are the voices of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. They are just plain wackos
7. If a voice is short and to the point it can usually be trusted. However, think twice if it wants you to stab your neighbour with a 6B pencil. We all know that these pencils are far too soft to do any real damage
8. Singing or humming voices are your friends. They just want to supply a soundtrack for your life. Just be careful not to let the theme from 'Mission Impossible' influence you when shopping
9. Crying voices are obviously not well balanced and should be either comforted or ignored
10. Finally, if your voices all go silent and your head becomes filled with scary things like thoughts, worries and speculations... stop eating the pills your doctor gave you. Stop now!

With these guidelines you should be able to face the world like any normal human being. Now go out and enjoy yourself!