Become a fan of h2g2
Slasher and splatter1 horror films, as suggested by the genres, usually involve the characters, who are generally pristine at the start of the film, being murdered/tortured/chased/transfigured in the most imaginative and bloody ways. It is also possible to see that the characters always seem to have one fatal flaw - they always succumb to apparent stupidity when faced with the cause of their demise.
There is a running pattern throughout these films, and if only our heroes and heroines noticed it before they ended up being ripped to shreds by a knife-wielding psycho in a clown mask/machete-wielding bloke in a hockey mask/supposedly dead maniac with a penchant for fedora hats and red/green striped sweaters/their best friend (or similar), then perhaps they would go by these guidelines.
Never be called Tina. Anybody named Tina always finds themselves at a sticky end, be it dragged across their bedroom ceiling from being slashed to death in their dreams, stabbed on a holiday resort, murdered by people in masks etc.
Have a forename that has more than two syllables in it. Names like the aforementioned Tina, Sarah, Laurie, Rod, Glen, Nancy, Tommy etc are akin to that of slasher targets.
Seemingly innocent names of radio stations, television channels and the media always give a hint to the person instigating all the deaths, so have a pen and paper handy during all commercial breaks.
Mind, Body and Soul
Do not go under the delusion that 'only you can save the world!'. There are plenty of people willing to help - as long as they haven't been killed off already.
Be aware that knife/axe/undefined trademark weapon-wielding maniacs always attack those who believe that knife/axe/undefined trademark weapon-wielding maniacs only exist in films.
Popular media parodying slashers can give good advice. For example, these famous three rules are a must know if you want to have a shot at survival2:
There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to survive a horror movie. First, you can never drink or do drugs. Second, you can never have sex. Big no no. It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And last, you can never, ever, ever under any circumstances say 'I'll be right back,' 'cause you won't be back.
Sharp objects and soft skin do not go together.
Hold your carnal urges until after the bloodthirsty maniac has been disposed of, please?
Be a virgin or die.
Walking about naked or wearing only your underwear is not good for your health.
Never cut your limbs (or anybody else's) off. Especially your hands. They will come back to haunt you.
Whilst running away from the monster, you will trip over several times regardless of the ground's surface. Meanwhile, the monster will always catch you up even though it is simply shambling along.
Personal hygiene must be put on hold until the killer has been disposed of. Do not even think of having a shower or a bath. In fact, never step inside a bathroom.
Showing off your breasts and cleavage is a big no-no.
Anyone that moans gut-wrenchingly and does not speak is usually dead. Otherwise, it is usually the big-mouthed bitchy one in your group who can't stop complaining and will end up dead sooner or later.
If you don't know what it is, don't touch it.
Fickleness is a folly. If you pick a door to go through, then go through that door. If you change your mind to go through another, you will meet a sticky end.
Never trust what you hear, as voices can easily be faked using little voice machine boxes. Other than that, witchcraft.
Translucent ghosts generally bring helpful news, or they take over your body and go on a killing spree. Solid-looking spirits get straight down to the job and kill you. Horribly.
If some time in your past you happened to sell your soul to the Devil, you are definitely screwed.
If you are a member of the local police force, armed forces, FBI, secret service, or are a private detective, your life will be abruptly cut short.
If you are a methodical teenager who is shunned by your 'way-cool' peers because there is something about your mentality that is slightly twisted from 'normality' that is too 'far out' for their liking, but you do not care, then there is a chance that you will be the eventual hero/heroine. Failing that, you will be the killer of those 'way-cool' peers.
If you are the methodical teenager's parents, then you should listen to them more often. More often than not, they are telling the truth when they say that they know who is killing off their friends.
If you happen to come across an undead minion that is rampaging all over your local town, then shoot/cut its head off. That usually does the trick.
Treat unnerving telephone callers who ring repeatedly and you do not know in the same way as you would treat somebody who knocks at your front door repeatedly trying to sell you double-glazing.
Be part of a happy family with no skeletons in the closet, as families with dark, horrifying secrets tend to find themselves at the centre of all the trouble. Who knows, that locked-away mad relative or the vigilante actions of your parents may return to haunt you.
Watch out for that friendly, generous and sympathetic neighbour. The kind where someone always says '...he was so quiet, such a nice man...'.
Electrical Equipment, Household Items and Impromptu Weapons
When in the bath, never surround oneself with electrical equipment because you might get a shock if the TV/radio/microwave happens to 'fall' into the water. You can watch that TV programme later, or even better, record it for future viewing like everybody else.
Never trust the phone on the hard line as it will undoubtedly cut out in the middle of a conversation due to a well-timed lightning bolt or the killer has somehow added a pair of garden wire-cutters to his/her repertoire.
Always invest in a mobile phone, and then, never have a pay-as-you-go account because you need enough credit to inform others that you are being chased by a knife-wielding maniac.
Learn how to use a weapon properly. An incentive would be to learn how to keep hold of it, rather than dropping it in fright and allowing your would-be killer to use it against you.
If you are missing some sharp cutlery from the kitchen, it will be imbedded in somebody else's body.
The House and your Vehicle
Never leave windows open so people can crawl through into your house. Especially when you are asleep.
The wardrobe is not a suitable hidey-hole.
Always check behind the door.
When outdoors and in the car, the maniac will evitably be on top of your car as you chug down the quiet lane.
Check that all the passengers in the car are the ones that you are meant to have in your car. Always check the back seats.
Running up a set of stairs to the bedrooms leaves you at a dead end and a messy death.
Running down a set of stairs to the basement/cellar leaves you at a dead end and a messy death.
If you are looking to live in a cabin in the heart of the forest - just don't.
When entering a darkened area, looking out for danger, don't forget to look upwards early in the process. This is the direction from which the danger will come (trees, catwalks, ceilings, are all areas where dread killers tend to hang out).
Whimpering, whining or screaming tends to give away your hiding location.
Finding a safe place to hide is not a wise choice, unless it is a coffin.
The Soundtrack and Incidental Music
Often the orchestra decides who is going to die, and just how horribly. If the string section is squealing at rhythmical discords, then a knife is sure to follow, in a similarly rhythmical fashion. If you have a choice of routes, and one route brings on the choirboys, there could be something of the supernatural at the end.
The killer is always graced with his/her own entrance music. For example, if you hear something that sounds like 'cha-cha-cha, ha-ha-ha', get out now, because that bloke in a hockey mask is coming for you.
Do not enter any dark doorway when the ominous music is playing. Stay out in the open, where you can swing your machete freely. Unfortunately, this allows for the killer to show his skill in beheading people Anne Boleyn-style.
The Hero or Heroine
You must not have a boyfriend/girlfriend or want one. Those with such attachments tend to lose their loved one gruesomely.
The hero or heroine is usually intelligent and makes attempts to see the whole picture, despite the fact that several of their friends must be sacrificed in the process.
Despite saving the lives of everybody in the end, the hero or heroine always wonders if the decapitated head of the killer is in fact decapitated, and not just hanging off their neck.
The hero or heroine always plans their strategy with several back plans to thwart the killer. The act of bravado always occurs through the sneaky back plan that the killer has not noticed.
In reality, the hero or heroine is just as twisted as the killer, but without the murderous tendencies.
Never believe that the killer is truly beaten. The so-called 'final chapter/episode/nightmare' is overtly premature.
So-called 'mummy's boys' are, in truth, complete nutcases. If you push one too hard, something will snap and they will kill you3.
The killer always has a trademark, be it their appearance4, choice of weapon, manner of killing or catchphrase. If not, the killer is somebody who knows you very well.
If the killer is silent (or meek and mild) they are very much like the Grim Reaper as they generally are not seen until the last moment - otherwise known as the couple of seconds of grace before you get your head bashed in.
More verbose killers have the characteristics of cats. They prowl about the area making you feel very insecure, are generally ubiquitous in manner, and always have room for a gloating black humoured comment when they dispose of you.
The silent killer is a remorseless one, so trying to make them see the light is a fruitless expedition.
The verbose killer can be prone to weakness if they are tormented by personal demons. However, the more successful verbose killer (ie the one who gets a sequel film) is truly deranged and a psychotic maniac.
The killer usually has a hidden agenda for their killing spree. They seek revenge because of the evils perpetrated upon them by the hero or heroine's family.
There is always one weak point of the killer that the hero or heroine manages to exploit.
Generally, the killer is more popular with the film public for the way that they stand out, and with their trademark mannerisms, who can resist their charm?
The Final Chapter/Episode/Nightmare - or is it?
These guidelines would be perfect, if it was not for one, tiny, minor point.
Even though the hero or heroine defeats the killer and supposedly disposes of them so carefully that there is no way that they can do more harm, it is premature to think that it is the end, as...
...the notorious series of six or more sequels resurrecting the killer always defeats the point of the work of the hero or heroine in the previous film.
The Body In The Library - Further Reading
Hollywood has its own take on the world around us - read their laws of life, physics and everything...
...read more about the B-Movie genre, of which many slashers are considered to be part of...
...and also, slasher movies are prone to the odd remake or few... including The Texas Chainsaw Massacre...
...or perhaps place a bet on the head-to-head, in the case of celebrated slasher anti-heroes Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees...
...or learn more about one of the horror genre's celebrated actors who has terrorised the people of Elm Street since 1984, the person who makes Freddy Krueger tick - Robert Englund...