Essex Girls - An English Subculture

Definition

Now, im not talking every person of the female persuasion to ever come out of essex here, im talking about a social phenomena that has evolved over a period of more than 30 years! The Essex girl is a highly specialised version of the average English Tartish girl. Essex Girls are actually a mixture of Tart and laddette.

Appearance

Clothes

They dress in clothes which reveal their "assets" (either real or fake) and they wear heels so high that falling off would result in a serious stay in hospital. Their clothes are often brightly coloured and commonly pink or white.¹   There are often fluffy bits and frills, allthough if they veer towards the more ladette side of things, there will be less of these.
The only exception is with the "hardcore" Essex girl who has actually taken to wearing tight fitting Rubber and leather. These costumes are bought to be as figure hugging as possible and are very expensive. Most belong to those with a rich Boyfriend or those who have managed to find a well paid job.

Surroundings

The essex girl is very rarely on her own, there are often at least two, sometimes many more. The only type that is seen on their own is the serious ladette, but this cannot really be classed as an essex girl.

Unlike the true ladette, essex girls are not commonly found in pubs. Their favourite location is commonly a trendy wine bar, a "classy" nightclub²  or a sun drenched beach. The surrounding will often have expensive looking³  decor which the Essex Girl believes accentuates her natural "Good looks".

Personality

Essex Girls have never been well known for their personalities, faring much better as eye candy. Often having an intellect comparable to a Hamster thats just suffered a frontal labotomy or a guest on the Jerry Springer show, they are not the worlds greatest conversationalists. Regularly told that they have a great sense of humour by their current man, it is unfortunate that their entire repertoire seems to consist of poor sexual innuendos. Any real jokes that they know will often be very dirty and be accompanied by suitable actions and geastures. If you ever see an Essex Girl try to tell a real joke and fail miserably, dont laugh at her misfortune, that little handbag hurts when it hits your left temple⁴. Essex Girls are commanly quite easy for men to talk to, and they will behave perfectly amicably with most women. The only time they will be hostile is with ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends ex(s) and with women who are wearing shoes that dont match their handbag or nails.

Growing Up as an Essex Girl

Early Years

Essex Girls start young. The true Essex girl will be noticable from about the age of 10-11 by the way her friends allready dress in tight fitting clothes and attempt to flirt with boys 5 years older than themselves⁵  . By about the age of 14, Essex Girls are the ones who spend lots more time with the boys than the girls. They will flirt constantly and allready be wearing less clothing than any sensible parent would allow. The males will never object as they know that the Girls are wiling to do almost anything. At this age, most Essex Girls will be drinking large quantities of alcohol for the sole purpose of getting drunk. They will hang around with boys their age and older who enjoy doing the same in the hope of getting some "action".

Later life

During the later teenage years, the essex girl will remain in partaking in these actvities but will also engage in boyfreind grabbing as detailed in the "Mating Habits" section below. As the Essex Girl ages, her "powers" will peak at the age of about 22-25 and from then on there will be a slow decline to the age of 30 followed by a rapid decline thereafter. The geriatric Essex Girl has not yet been observed in ts natural habitat and reliable information on these curious old hags is hard to come by.

Mating Habits

The Essex Girl reaches sexual maturity at the age of about 14 years. By this age, they will have already had several years of practise in attracting members of the opposite sex, and will be quite good at it. Those that are very good may achieve maturity earlier. The Essex Girl does not mate for life. Like the black widow spider, she takes a mate, has sex with them, then kills and eats them afterwards ⁶  . After she believes that her current partner has: "lost his touch", run out of cash or isnt as good looking as the bloke over there, she will leave him straight away. Often he will not know of their split until one of her friends says: "Oi! What you still doin' round 'ere? She dumped you ages ago, I'm jus' waitin' for 'er to arrive wiv 'er new bloke!"⁷  

Essex Girls are unafraid of leading more than one man on at a time. They can often be found in a nightclub wearing what appears to be a few bits of dental floss and half a tissue with anything from 2 to 10 men trying to dance with her at once. After a few drinks, she will quite happily take her top off for a while to keep herself the centre of attention for a while longer before leavig with the man she has chosen to be her partner for the night. Methods of attracting men include, but are not limited to: erotic dancing, public nudity and gratuitus acts in public. Very rarely will you see an Essex Girl attract a man by means of her superior intellect or sparkling sense of humour.

Lifestyle + Lunch

Lifestyle

The Essex Girl is almost a nocturnal creature. Often waking mid afternoon and going to bed at gone 5am, this does not mean that they are mostly inactive.

An essex girls life is very busy. Taken mostly up with either going out or preparing to go out, there are also many other minor activities that have to be performed. Such examples of these are going to work/school and shopping. Even though she may only go out every friday and saturday night, the entire rest of the week will be spent in preperation. There will be the shopping for new clothes so that shes not seen in something shes worn before, the making sure that the boyfriend is definatly coming, and the importance of making sure that all of her friends will be lookng good, but not Quite as good as her.