Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 1
Started conversation Jan 1, 2012
KB dashes breathlessly into the auditorium - a fraction late - to find that this year it has been transformed into a plush discotheque with only a slight hint of seedy pole-dancing club. To his surprise he finds that all this year's celebrity-invited guest nominees have actually turned up!
In a trance-like state he wanders across the dance-floor to the bar, taking a circuitous route to avoid watching 50 Cent croon into Maggie Thatcher's ear. Russell Brand is leaning on the bar with Eric Sykes, gesturing at Clare Balding and making obscene comments about 'turning' her. As George Michael slips out quietly to the Gents' with Bob Holness, the dapper duo of Roger Moore and Omar Sharif behind the bar line up a tray full of gin and tonics, and pass them around this year's contestants. KB sips contentedly as he takes in the spectacle on the dance floor: Zsa Zsa Gabor and Olivia de Havilland creaking cheerfully around their handbags; Heinz Wolf and Robert Mugabe busting their moves around a cackling table of octogenarians; and Prince Phillip engaged in an animated discussion of Buddhism with Ravi Shankar. Stevie Hawking has partaken of one too many glasses and is lying on his back, wheels spinning and malfunctioned voice unit working only in binary: "Zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, zero..."
The Rev Paisley is DJing tonight, in the interests of saving money on microphones, and as the karaoke dies to a halt (Nigel Lawson has just done 'Taxman'...), he bellows for silence, effectively hushing most of the Greater London region. Last year's victor, Ivan, is sadly not present to receive his prize, so it is ceremonially forgotten about. But this is surely just the prelude: the pubic hair of embarrassment in the omelette of the evening is still to come. There is a creepy and unsettling suspicion that Mu Beta has not yet made his presence felt.
Michael J Fox uses the pregnant pause for an attempt to right Hawking, and the move creates a fair bit of interest until kindly onlookers assist them both to dignified and upright poses. Then a grim reality sinks in as Paisley spins up 'Staying Alive' and everyone braces themselves for a horrible mangling of John Travolta's greatest dance ever.
And here he comes...
Although the white suit seems fairly well tailored, the open black shirt and medallion are probably a mistake on a man of such ample girth, and the net impression is of a pound coin stuck up a pig's bottom. Gyrating his hips in the manner of a man at a urinal trying to vest himself of the final drops, Mu Beta launches himself into yet another ill advised attempt at song. Of course, the whole thing is much too high-pitched for his gruff baritone ("an experience akin to listening to two chainsaws mating" - The Times), and he performs the entire rendition in an agonised burly squeak. Discerning listeners are reminded of the time Tom Jones caught his goolies in the piano lid:
Well you can tell by the way I play this game
Some celebrities we're oft to name
Drinkers, smokers and HIV
The geriatric and unhappy
But it's all right, it's ok
They might live another day
We can try to understand
Mortalities are tough to plan
(chorus)
Whether you're Garozzo
or whether you're Domingo
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Antony Hewish
and Jerry Lee Lewis
are all stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive
Whether you're Borgnine
or whether you're Hesletine
you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Jeremy Clarkson
and Ariel Sharon
are all stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive
As Robin Gibb, cheers and breaks out into a standing ovation, and Hawking again keels slowly over in an attempt to regurgitate his smoked salmon canape, Mu Beta lines up for the infamous hustle dance break. Unfortunately, on the first sexy thrust, his right shoulder locks into position and instead the watching crowd are treated to a gutteral cry of pain instead. As he falls backwards and starts writhing in pain, with only Michael J Fox offering some help, Sid Caesar suggests that there is much better bar around the corner. Two hundred doleful feet shuffle towards the exit, leaving MJF, Mu and Stephen Hawking in a collapsed tableau that ironically combines elements of Back To The Future, Doctor Who and Jurassic Park. Deathlist 2012 has well and truly begun.
B
Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 9
Posted Jan 1, 2012
He said "Deathlist" 
*tries not to imagine spitting four popular primary-coloured Eurovision popsters over a keyboard*
*reaches for mind bleach*
Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 11
Mr. Dreadful - Give a man a fish and he might not like fish and you've just wasted a fish...
Posted Jan 1, 2012
Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 13
Posted Jan 1, 2012
...as I'm still awaiting KB's, if you can email it to me real quick, I'll slip it in (said the Actress...)
Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 14
Mr. Dreadful - Give a man a fish and he might not like fish and you've just wasted a fish...
Posted Jan 1, 2012
Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 16
Mr. Dreadful - Give a man a fish and he might not like fish and you've just wasted a fish...
Posted Jan 1, 2012
Deathlist 2012 - the official thread
Post 17
Posted Jan 1, 2012
I want to add a few "generic" predictions - just so that I can refer to this post in December and say I got something right!
- At least one of the Arab League Monitors in Syria (with the blame being officially linked to "terrorist" by Assad
- At least one democratic African/Asian leader will be assassinated (maybe Goodluck Jonathan)
- A Rolling Stone
- A Bee Gee (especially after that intro)
- 2 UK MPs
- 1 member of the royal family
- A former USSR or subsequent states leader.
OK, that'll do as nice and vague predicitions.
CHawke
