Conversation:

so, it's just over a month since my Dad died and I keep suddenly getting very tearful at strange times. I'm worried about my mum a bit, but she says she's getting on as well as could be expected and she's getting a lot of help from one of her brothers and some friends.

I can't work out why I'm being like this though. Driving to and from work are the worst because that's when my brain is in a sort of just-ticking-over state and it starts to wander. And then it just hits me.

I haven't lived properly "at home" since I was 12 (boarding school followed immediately by the Army) and a lot of the time as a child my dad was away. And I've lived in a different country for the past 25 years and we actually met up infrequently, even though we talked a lot on the phone - particularly recommending books etc.

Is this just one of those things that is going to drag out a bit, but will eventually just sit, unremarked in a corner of my heart?

It would be very strange if you didn't go through some sort of grieving process as it was so unexpected. Look at the title of your original thread: just "oh". It's like an accident, or having a baby, it takes time to sink in.

Don't suppress it. Take some days off in a few weeks' time and go home and help your mum sort some stuff and talk to her. It'll probably be hitting her the same as it's hitting you.

What difference does it make if this is "normal"? It is the way you feel, and therefore completely justified.

My father died when I was 12. I would never claim to have sorted out all my emotions in this matter four decades later. And I would laugh in anyone's face who think they can tell me what they ought to be. This is just between me and my dad.

I'm sure it will pass. But it will take some time, and I think it's better to grieve than to hurry away from it.

thanks - I'm just feeling so... strange.

Yes, I think it is normal Sho. Tears coming out of the blue do eventually get to be less frequent, and you can anticipate what will bring those bitter sweet memories flooding back before you quite get to the state of needing a tissue.

Anyway, it doesn't get worse than this - it does get better, but it will take time.

I think you'd be a bit of a freak of nature if you didn't feel a bit off your normal way of going - it's still early days...

Never shut him away, sweetheart

Talk about him.

Cry about him.

Laugh about the things he did over the years.

It doesn't matter in which order. It's all part of adjusting to his loss, which takes as much time as you need. Everyone is different.

lil xx

Will message separately.

I think it's perfectly normal- though I agree with Yarreau that "normal" doesn't matter anyway, your feelings are valid no matter what.

I remember how awful it was when my mom died (and we weren't at all close at that point). Even still, almost two years later, every time I see a pair of salt & pepper shakers in a shop (she collected them for years), I pick them up, take them to the checkout, realize I can't give them to her, and tear up.

Sorry if that sounds a bit "me,me". My point is just that I think it takes a good while to sink in, and even then, feelings of strangeness or sadness continue to pop up randomly even after much time has passed.

pc is totally right - there's no point judging normal on what you feel.

I am almost completely disparate from one side of my family in every way. But when my Mum still lights a candle in memory of her mother, and her mother before, at 3pm on Christmas Day every year, I always well up and I know I will continue to do so even when it is me lighting the candle.

B

blimey, PC, that is just so EXACTLY how I feel. I found a book that he'd like (we were on a neverending quest to find something to replace Sharpe now we've consumed all of those and several other 'similar' series) and I got caught out by how awful it made me feel to think I'll not be able to talk to him about it.

MB - now you made me a little. That's a lovely family tradition.

ok, and for everyone.

As to getting tearful at strange times - that happened to me for months after my dog died, which never struck me as odd...
Time for you to relax a bit (no, a lot) on self-discipline. You always seem to be a bit hard on yourself... there's no reason why you should be.

Ah yes, my inner boot-camp-instructor. Unfortunately without her I just flop around and do nothing.

You might try and let your inner boot camp instructor flop around and do nothing, just to see what happens...

Good idea!

I miss my father at odd times, too - and I have the urge to phone him more often now than when he was alive . But that's probably because we'd only just gotten sort of reconciled shortly before he died.

I'm with the others here - don't worry about what's "normal", and stop being so hard on yourself!

You sound "normal" (compared to me, and how I felt). The advice here is bang on, talk about him, and how you feel. It doesn't get any worse, and it will get better. You WILL have happy memories to look back on when you get over the pain of loss. Time is the bitch here, and it's not something you can rush through. I had a year to get used to losing my Dad before he went, that's a truly terrible feeling, and I have no idea what's worse, the shock of a sudden death or a long battle against cancer. Gordon's father dropped dead and he's told me he's glad he didn't have to watch him wither and die as I did with mine.

We're here for youhowever long it takes

Sho, it is very early days and you are likely to feel like this on and off for some time - there is no set grieving period, everyone has to find their own way through it. It is fifteen months since PHM died and I still feel a bit strange. I can't explain I just feel a bit numb.

I had plenty of time to grieve before it happened as I knew it would, but strange things will trigger memories, thoughts, flashbacks and he is never far from my mind, and the same goes for my parents who died thirty or so years ago. The pain and emotion gradually fades and I find concentrating on positive memories helps, and talking about the people as much as possible is great, as you have already been advised several times. That way they are still a natural part of your life.

Just accept that this is how YOU grieve, never mind anyone else, except of course, your Mum. Up to a point accept that she is coping but remember to keep in touch. I know I value every text, email, phone call and visit especially as I know my sons are busy people.

It is precisely when doing housework or routine things that thoughts and feelings sneak in and catch you unawares.

One other thing, everyone leads such busy lives these days it is easy to lose touch a bit, and it is only when it is too late that you realise all the missed opportunities when you could have said or asked loads of things and can no longer.

Big it will get easier.

Websailor