Journal Entries

the end of the world

I like to think of myself as someone who doesn't worry, but I do. I'm increasingly guilty about the things that I do. I recognise how much of a consumer I am- shampoo bottles, milk bottles, plastic bags and packaging day after day. Meat eating and buying books (I always used to go to the library) and using a mobile phone. That coupled with the extreme weather around the world really does make me think, in my darker moments, that the end is nigh. We can't go on like this, yet we don't change. I could change more but I seem to expect someone else to take control and do it all for me. Fine, I use public transport (and walk). I don't use supermarkets and I buy seasonal local produce and use eco-friendly household products. I haven't flown for years. And I'm never going to have a child, which is the biggest single thing you can do for the environment (or NOT do, in this case). But ironically, without a car or a proper council recycling scheme it's difficult to recycle as much as I would like. As a tenant in a shared house (and recipient of a low income) I can't convince my housemates to switch to the costlier green energy, or get solar panels. Carbon offsetting doesn't even work. I can't buy second hand clothes as they don't tend to stock my size, or only horrible old-lady stuff. Perhaps I should get a sewing machine. It's not enough, though.

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Latest reply: Aug 5, 2007

rain and postal strikes

I think those will be the prevailing things I remember about this summer. With Royal Mail, I have someone to blame for my irritation, but as I don't believe in God, the weather is blameless. If I'd been flooded I suppose I would find that more upsetting but as it is, with my DVD rental obsession, the postal strikes are utterly infuriating. I've worked for the blighters and I was better paid than I've ever been since, despite the fact it was five years ago, so I think the workers should really take a look around and realise just how well-off they actually are. Though I do have sympathy for their job cuts. The third thing is more of a personal theme but this is the summer when everyone from my past has got back in touch, people I knew in my childhood and lost contact with ten years ago brought back to me by the magic of Facebook. I only hope that doesn't extend to my mother.

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Latest reply: Jul 30, 2007

buffypage

just a link to the buffypage as it took me ages to find it just now- http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/buffy/

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Latest reply: May 1, 2007

Fundamental

I'm bored of that thread now, so I'll stop for a bit. This is interesting, a political survey thing:

http://www.whoshouldyouvotefor.com/

I should vote: Liberal Democrat

The LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.

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Latest reply: Sep 25, 2006

Part 5

The memories which follow are mostly too filthy to be allowed on a BBC website, but I'll do my best. I recall that the first time Stephen came down to visit me in Southampton it was a very sunny Sunday, and a Divine Comedy album was coming out the next day so I had him carry back from the train station armfuls of Sunday papers so I could collect all the reviews. It was awkward, I re member. He kissed me, and it wasn't good. He wanted to stay the night and I said no, he had to go back to Newport.

The next time he came his hopes weren't high. But I'd decided to give him a test run. What follows is one of my favourite erotic memories. He was very nervous and thought he'd not been good enough, that I would decide never to see him again. But it was a revelation for me- and made up my mind. I was seeing someone else as well (everybody knew the score, there was no cheating involved), but ended it with the other man that night. For the next year SP visited me every Thursday (when, upon his arrival, I would talk frantically for at least an hour when he arrived, desperate to tell him everything) and would stay until Saturday night, and I remember whole days- in fact, the next two years at least- in a bubble. We would just draw the curtains and put a silk sheet and some cushions on the floor and spend the entire time, up to a couple of minutes before he had to catch his bus, naked. It was a golden time, though I can't describe full days, just various moments and a general sense of the way it felt. This was contrasted with a terrible loneliness the rest of the week (even though we spoke for an hour or two every night on the phone), and I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. Finally, the day I finished my A levels, I moved up to be with him.

And all this? A reminder of how intense it all was, and why I should never have got involved with Ben. How could we have let daily life grind us down so, that we forgot what we had? And will I ever again have anything that intense? I'm doubting it, actually. From observation, nobody else's relationships seem to be like that was. I can see it was unhealthy that we had nothing and nobody else in our lives that mattered, and yet that fervour- it was like religion must be. I didn't WANT to be around anyone else.

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Latest reply: Sep 7, 2006


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