Conversation:

Hiya Az,

Been lurking round and reading up on the conversations and it strikes me that whatever else, we'll keep on bumping into each other since we seem to gravitate to the same sort of loopy conversations - and seem to hold the same sort of views. Good innit? Being a stiff upper lipped Brit, I find it hard to be as verbally affectionate as you, but I'm there in spirit if not in actual verbage!

ANYWAY... this exercise forum you're holding with young Dr Mo (Lord, isn't he a sweetie! AND a Scorpio - best sign there is (like what I am. I put you as.. Aquarius? Am I about right? I'm not that psychic, honest, I read somewhere you said you were 461/4 ish... well, as i'm 451/2 ish, that puts you 1yr3months ahead chronologically.. which - if I'm keeping up with myself, makes you Aquarian or Pisces - so there! As I was saying, the exercise thread - I take it an hour and a half's vigourous lovemaking doesn't technically count as exercise - even if it IS a very rare occaision. Whatever, I STILL maintain "Waitressing" 4 hours a day counts as exercise since I only started last wek, and the extra exercise is unaccostomed still. As it is - day one a fast walk
day two - another 45min fast walk AND an hour and half's aquarobics
(who says youcan't sweat and swim at the same time). Today - one hours's massage, the aforementioned vigerous whathaveyou and another 45minute Fast walk - I'm not counting the usual mooching around I do. And on all three days - 4 hours sodding waitressing. One of the downsides of living ina seaside town... it's easy to get a job in the summer, but I've landed a lovely little gig where the local wrinklies eat, and it is thoroughly depressing watching a load of whiskery old boys masticating their steak and kidney pies all over the place. And as for the old girls and their maple syrup pancakes.... Urghhhhhh.... oh god may I never grow old! Or at least, may I never grow old and slobbery. I had a look at the God thread you mentioned with hoovooloo, and thought "uh uh". There are definately cliques and factions even here in cyberspace it seems.
Still, like attracts like I guess, and age has sod all to do with it
come the revolution kidda.... I shall still be sitting on the side lines!

Anyway, witter over... if I don't speak before, think of me over the weekend; I have donated my sevices to Thanet's poetry guild and will be performing LIVE IN MARGATE (read Torramalinos) (sorry, appauling at spelling) this week. Haven't "performed for over ten years, and I'm looking forward to it. The kids have disowned me
("Your stuff is RUDE, mum") but I'll guarantee there'll be supper on the table when I get home, if either of the little beasts are in when I return! Rude my stuff may be but it get a laugh and a nod of "yeah, been there, too" from the more sentient. Check my page and read "Life is Bad" - the lad there is going thru hell and back and could well do with a bit more support than Math - the-Druid and I could offer, perhaps. It wouldn't hurt, anyway. Poor little bugger is so lost and intense my heart bleeds for him. What amazes me on this site is the courageousness of people to emotionally bleed in public - and how incrediably supportive people are who respond.

Right, I really AM leaving now - things to do, e-mails to check, back to decrunch - back to the osteopaths this week to get them to repair the damage they did. Funnilly enough, I mentioned in passing to my client this morning the hassle I'd been having, and he too had been to the same osteopath when she was simply training for remedial massage and left her for exactly the same reasens I have had to (She's f*****g useless - his quote, not mine) Obviously, I cannot join in slagging a fellow professional, and nor can I critisize anyone, but this client has become about as much of a friend as I am "allowed" to have as an professional masseusse. It is considered very unprofessional to become friends with your clients
but sod it. Lifes too short to stuff a mushroom, and its nice to find people anywhere you can if you feel they're on much the same wavelength. Here endeth the witter. Catch you later.


PS I have figured out that Hoovooloo is from the Manchester area, but that's as far as I've figured, so far. And, whoops, I cannot add or subtract to save my life - you're 9 mths my senior, but it still makes you Aquarius -ish... doesn't it? To end arguments I am 13.11.57, OK? Hold on, I'm only arguiong with myself... Arrrgh! Sod it, I'll go!

hi Witchone,

And welcome. Wow, you sure do get around.

Question - have you started a thread with Dr MO to post your activities or were you just telling me? Sorry, things we do at work cannot be counted - the activity challenge is all about doing something 'extra', and active activity that we might not normally do. Perhaps if 1 1/2 hours of vigorous lovemaking is not something you usually do that *might* be considered.

In fact, I'm now almost 46 1/2. So - Capricorn.

Am I verbally affectionate? I've often gone through massive cringe moments after posting things here. I actually don't tend to talk about myself so personally as I've been doing here. Maybe I feel a need to and this is anonymous enough to make it feel safe? Dunno!

Also, it doesn't help if I am posting very late at night after a few glasses of rioja - that usually makes for even more massively cringe moments the next morning.

I've got back problems too - a compressed lower disk and a dodgy hip. I joke that this is 'old age' but in fact I first started getting sciatica when I was 22. The hip thing came a bit later and then I had to give up running (loved running!). So I have to be quite careful while doing the activity challenge, otherwise I'll end up not being able to move for about two weeks.

hang on, am going to post this bit and then continue . . .

just KNEW the old dinosaur of a computer was about to crash - have lost so many postings like this. Anyhow, had posted another bit and then - crash - so it got lost. It's too late and I'm too tired to start again.

So, shall talk to you again after a bit of sleep.

kissitos,
az

good morning!

I see you're the only person I know on line - how are you today?

az

Since you ask Az, utterly pissed off. I honestly think I'm due a spell at the funny farm the way I feel today. Totally disconnected with the rest of humanity. I was up early, checking EBay where the stuff I'm flogging is going very nicely thankyou- couldn't BELIEVE how much people are willing to pay for a couple of collectables I no longer want... all well and good. Foostered around, MEANING to go to the allotment as I haven't been able to go and work there because of "the back" (even standing for over an hour is getting beyond me.)
I simply could not go. I could not move as far as the front door
I got panicky. Back for another cuppa and a firm talking to myself. OK< no allotment; it IS getting too much for me (and no, the kids arn't really that interested in joining in, so I don't hassle them) and I'll hand in my notice to the society and put it down to experience. Better? Yeah, better. To the market for meat and veggies. This is not a deal - until I looked at everyone, and everyone knew someone but me - and it's not as if I haven't lived here awhile. Sure, I know loads by sight, but there is absolutely nobody I connect to - there'sloads of old dears I have a laugh with, and I can pass the time of day with most people (kids included) but it hit me very forcibly today that although I am friendly with an awful lot of people I do not have "friends" per se - or least, TODAY
I can think of nobody I particually want to see or be with. Paradoxically I do not particually want my own company. I have been fighting this depression for a long long time and I'm running out of steam and energy. I have never been paranoid before but that's the way I am going - or at least, today I am. I had hoped that maybe, just maybe I would meet a few fun, like minded critters at the Writers Guild the other evening... and, as you know, a majority were decidedly twee city. Sorry Az, but you did ask...
How are you, anyway?

Well, it seems like I'm a bit better than you - at least today!

I don't know what you're doing or where you're living - what business? How long have you lived where you are now? (perhaps you mentioned this on another thread, if so I can't remember and we're on too many different threads together to start looking )

I have hundreds of acquaintances here in Sevilla but all of my good and trusted friends (can count them on one hand) live in other parts of the world. So, I know a bit about how you are feeling, I often get really really lonely and yet there is no one here that I particularly want to see when I'm feeling like that. It's those times that I want and need to see one of 'the chosen few'.

Confused - when you said you couldn't get out the door was that because of your back or panic?

It sounds like a good idea to give up the alottment, since your back is dodgy and nobody else seems interested in it. One less thing to worry about.

I don't know about 'fighting depression'. It seems my thing is more like chronic anxiety, though have been told this is kinda like the flip side of the depression coin. The thing NOT to do is despair and think you will always feel like this. Sounds like you had a crap day and that things have been building up lately. You may feel better tomorrow or this may continue a bit longer. But nothing lasts forever, not good feelings, not bad feelings.

When I feel discouraged about life I just try and do things I like. Have some wine, read or watch a film, eat some popcorn, play with cats (and recently, talk on h2g2). It doesn't solve anything but at least it's a bit of nice distraction.

Anyhow, hope you are feeling better soon (yes I DID ask and I always expect an honest answer to this question - otherwise I wouldn't bother asking )

My day was quite pleasant. Now am going to watch Godfather part two. Going to see Reloaded tomorrow! Eeek! Can't wait!

az

Knew I'd find An answer if I whizzed thru these bloody threads long enough (Yeehah, simultaneous sort of conversation, since I'm back on line and so are you) Couldn't get to the door thru sheer panic - which is a new one for me - I don't get panicked, or anxious or in any way flummoxed - this is Mount Everest/ieMs Solid we're talking about here. If I fall to bits then there is no bugger capeable of looking after the lads - and no, thats not ego, that's fact. They won't see my mum, and much as they like The Bat and The Dra gon (my 2 middlesaged/old mates) they are realistic enough to know that The Dragon is too old to keep up with them and the Bat is too stressed with her own family problems to be able to cope. So I try very hard not to fall to bits. Have lived "here" in SE Coast Britain for best part of 3 yrs. I'm an aromatherapist/massuesse by profession (and no, I don't want to give it up, I truely love the profession I'm in and I'm amazingly good at it.) However, if "the back" continues to die on me, then I will have to teach the subject rather than "do" it. I have got my 1st stage City and Guilds Cert earlier on this year, just in case, but I hadn't planned on teaching till I was in my 60s, not mid fourties. I still have time to apply for classes to achieve the 2nd and final part of the Teaching Cert, but my heart sinks at the thought of teaching - not because I can't - I found I was a natural at it, but because of all the bloody paperwork and lesson plans and burocracy that the English system demands. It takes me a week to understand a bank statement - by which time the bank charges have gone thru!!! I'm not atall politically correct, and I still call a spade a shovel - and I continue to refer to the writing medium in the classroom as a blackboard because thats what it is - a black board. I cannot see any good reasen not to state the truth - which is about as popular as a cup of cold sick in this benighted country pro tem.

Rant rant rant.... still. no harm. It's good to know there is at least one other person who does the displacement thing - ie, play with the cats, drink wine (which I do, and is probably not a smart idea but what the hell, its my liver) I tend not to watch films (I cannot bear to watch ANY form of violence - I even need to hold a sons arm when watching something as wussy as Indiana Jones! - and most films except Disney have some form of Nasty in them - I read. I have over 20 shelves of books in the living room alone and I have read every single one of them. At least twice. I have exhausted the library. I can't play with my mogs anymore - living in a flat with no garden it didn't seem fair to take them when I left the Ex boyfriend last year. (No, I'm not depressed about that - God knows, there is nothing - absolutley nothing more lonely than living with someone and feeling even more alone than I did today. That was my one saving spark - dire as today has been, it was nothing like as bad as living with him)(simply because it was so s*****g BORING) This is what frightens me, really. Intellectually, I *know* life is pretty good. Emotionally, I cannot acknowledge it.
I refuse to rely on Hootoo as displacement activity (see cats, wine, etc) I refuse to use displacement activity as a substitute for "living" - but I feel simply too knackered to try AT THE MOMENT
- which is pobably why I am miserable... no energy.

Why are you chronically anxious Az? I learnt a long time ago that worrying doesn't change a thing - maybe I just repress the anxiety because I know it serves no useful purpose, dunno. I tend to run on righteous anger - "I WON'T let the bastard beat me!!!" But shit, it's terribly tiring. Anyway, like you said, it's just been a crap day today, and I know full well that nothing lasts forever. 2morrow's another day and today will be over soon enough. Enjoy your films mate. I am considering going to see XMen11 with the lads - just as long as they don't insist on sitting away from me in the cinema. Hell, if I'm paying their entrance, the least I can exect is that they sit with me!!! And I don't even eat their popcorn (much). Honest. Is the correct term Hasta la Vista, or am I being overly influenced by dear old Arnie?

Knew I'd find An answer if I whizzed thru these bloody threads long enough (Yeehah, simultaneous sort of conversation, since I'm back on line and so are you) Couldn't get to the door thru sheer panic - which is a new one for me - I don't get panicked, or anxious or in any way flummoxed - this is Mount Everest/ieMs Solid we're talking about here. If I fall to bits then there is no bugger capeable of looking after the lads - and no, thats not ego, that's fact. They won't see my mum, and much as they like The Bat and The Dra gon (my 2 middlesaged/old mates) they are realistic enough to know that The Dragon is too old to keep up with them and the Bat is too stressed with her own family problems to be able to cope. So I try very hard not to fall to bits. Have lived "here" in SE Coast Britain for best part of 3 yrs. I'm an aromatherapist/massuesse by profession (and no, I don't want to give it up, I truely love the profession I'm in and I'm amazingly good at it.) However, if "the back" continues to die on me, then I will have to teach the subject rather than "do" it. I have got my 1st stage City and Guilds Cert earlier on this year, just in case, but I hadn't planned on teaching till I was in my 60s, not mid fourties. I still have time to apply for classes to achieve the 2nd and final part of the Teaching Cert, but my heart sinks at the thought of teaching - not because I can't - I found I was a natural at it, but because of all the bloody paperwork and lesson plans and burocracy that the English system demands. It takes me a week to understand a bank statement - by which time the bank charges have gone thru!!! I'm not atall politically correct, and I still call a spade a shovel - and I continue to refer to the writing medium in the classroom as a blackboard because thats what it is - a black board. I cannot see any good reasen not to state the truth - which is about as popular as a cup of cold sick in this benighted country pro tem.

Rant rant rant.... still. no harm. It's good to know there is at least one other person who does the displacement thing - ie, play with the cats, drink wine (which I do, and is probably not a smart idea but what the hell, its my liver) I tend not to watch films (I cannot bear to watch ANY form of violence - I even need to hold a sons arm when watching something as wussy as Indiana Jones! - and most films except Disney have some form of Nasty in them - I read. I have over 20 shelves of books in the living room alone and I have read every single one of them. At least twice. I have exhausted the library. I can't play with my mogs anymore - living in a flat with no garden it didn't seem fair to take them when I left the Ex boyfriend last year. (No, I'm not depressed about that - God knows, there is nothing - absolutley nothing more lonely than living with someone and feeling even more alone than I did today. That was my one saving spark - dire as today has been, it was nothing like as bad as living with him)(simply because it was so s*****g BORING) This is what frightens me, really. Intellectually, I *know* life is pretty good. Emotionally, I cannot acknowledge it.
I refuse to rely on Hootoo as displacement activity (see cats, wine, etc) I refuse to use displacement activity as a substitute for "living" - but I feel simply too knackered to try AT THE MOMENT
- which is pobably why I am miserable... no energy.

Why are you chronically anxious Az? I learnt a long time ago that worrying doesn't change a thing - maybe I just repress the anxiety because I know it serves no useful purpose, dunno. I tend to run on righteous anger - "I WON'T let the bastard beat me!!!" But shit, it's terribly tiring. Anyway, like you said, it's just been a crap day today, and I know full well that nothing lasts forever. 2morrow's another day and today will be over soon enough. Enjoy your films mate. I am considering going to see XMen11 with the lads - just as long as they don't insist on sitting away from me in the cinema. Hell, if I'm paying their entrance, the least I can exect is that they sit with me!!! And I don't even eat their popcorn (much). Honest. Is the correct term Hasta la Vista, or am I being overly influenced by dear old Arnie?

Bugger! Did it again! Once diatribe was more than enough! Sorry!

Actually, 'running on righteous anger' is also distraction therapy. I didn't suggest that one should live their lives constantly trying to distract themselves from their real problems - just that there are moments when *nothing* can be done and so, hey, why not relax a bit and forget sh*t for at least a couple of hours.

Also, I didn't call it 'displacement' but rather 'distraction'

It's like anything - in moderation anything can be quite good for what ails you?

Why am I anxious? Wouldn't know where to start answering that one.

But I often get panic attacks and don't feel able to go outside - or else I am outside and suddenly feel like I'm about to lose my mind and MUST get home! After years of trying to understand and 'control' these episodes, I came to the decision - 'f**k that shit man, give me drugs!' So now I take a very mild tranq to help me - for example - get to work when I start sweating and feel unable to walk out the door. It's no picnic, but the tranqs do help. Had a scary couple of days awhile ago when I got panic attacks at home - once in the middle of the night. I don't remember this ever happening to me before - usually my home is my one and only 'safe place'. Anyhow, hasn't happened since. Thank god!

Yes, I also know that there is nothing so lonely as living with someone you don't love and/or who doesn't love you. This is also why I'd usually rather stay home with cats and do things I like than go out with acquaintances and have superficial conversation. I mean, basically that's my job. People pay me to talk to them. So having to go out and spend both money and time doing the social thing is really not that interesting to me.

Re: you feeling so tired and worn out. I had a very bad time a few months ago when I truly felt I was JUST SO TIRED that I couldn't cope anymore. Panic attacks galore! Even had to cancel classes because no amount of tranqs could get me out the door. Spent lots of time in bed not sleeping. Drank lots of wine. Really crap time.

Slowly things started changing a bit. The time I took off work was actually quite good for me emotionally (though it was financial suicide!) as I did get some strength back. And a few of my students (adult professional types) kept calling me EVERY DAY to ask if I was feeling better, if I wanted them to come over, if I had enough food in the house and could they pick anything up for me, etc etc. My students! So sweet of them, though I didn't take them up on their very kind offers. None of my acquaintances called - well, they didn't know anything was wrong. My students only knew cos I'd had to cancel classes.

The point is - this is probably NEVER going to go away. So, get used to it. Make friends with it if possible. When things get too much, learn to STOP fighting and take things easy for awhile. I get the feeing that if I wrote you a frantic letter asking for help you would give some quite caring advice. You wouldn't just say - keep on fighting! don't let the bast**ds get you down! keep being strong! etc etc. Yet this is what you say to yourself.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself.

Time to get back to the Godfather trilogy.

To quote ol' Arnie - I'LL BE BACK.

az

Yeah, you're right - I'll just have to be nicer to myself... buggerit.
I too am taking tranqs - for the first time in my life, but I am not impressed with them - not that it's not what i'd advice to anyone else in my situation, but I have a horror of ... what? No problem being weak for a coupla days (wow, such a luxury) but I cannot in all conscience take more than a weekend "off" without disturbing the lads - they genuinly do worry, and it is not right nor fair to let them bear the burden of my misery - the youngest, despite all the
street wise persona gets terrified if I am ill, even with something monor like a sore throat (I frequently get asked "You're not going to DIE on me, are you mum?" if this occurs. This dates back to a rash of relatives all keeling over within a year of each other a few years ago - dad, great aunty and then great grandmother all in a year
) I think its is that that is the problem - I am all for letting the lads see "reality" - wich is why they are so well balanced - but to land really complex adult angst on them at 14 and 15 just doesn't seem right - far better to let them see me sad AND DEALING with it - not.... I dunno, being too effete to even try anymore, which is where I am AT THE MOMENT (tomorrow is another day, of course) I'm not advocating being the big tough cowboy, but equally so, I don't think it is right or appropriate to whinge to lads who haven't got their own shit together.... although when I think about it logically
that would include 99% of the human race - including myself. Especially at the moment. And like you say - and I came to this conclusion myself, too, which is why I probably am even more miserable than the norm - it isn't going to change... so get used to it, I guess. Hell. Is this the best we can do? Wine, philosophy
tranquillizers and talking about it? Is that REALLY all we can do about it? Apart from make friends with it?

I AM DEFINATELY COMING BACK AS A CAT!!!!!

And before I lose the thread completely - what does the Hnm - or the letters after your name signify? Cheers! Have a nice Godfather

Peggy Lee - - is that all there is? is that all there is? if that's all there is my friend, then let's keep dancing . . .

Nope, do not believe that wine, tranqs and talking about it is the only thing we have available. You see, when I say 'this won't go away' I don't see this as a negative thing at all. Just an acceptance that these things are so engrained, we are so conditioned by certain experiences, etc, that they will always be a part of who we are. They certainly don't have to be ALL of what we are.

Quoting the Godfather now - keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.

There are things inside us that 'feel' like enemies because we do not or cannot accept them as being a part of who we are. And this gives those feelings more power than they deserve. If we accept that - okay, I'm probably going to feel stuff about this for the rest of my life - then we take charge. Because we have accepted this part of ourselves that previously we either avoided or fought with. But you see - it IS us. A small part of us. But it gets exaggerated the more we try to pretend this isn't a part of us. Oops, feel like I'm rambling again.

Just started a thread called - happy? And someone just sent a very nice link to look at. You might want to check it out.

I was afraid I just came across sounding kinda flaky, but in fact, Witchone, I don't think I am every 'unhappy'. Stressed, scared, upset, worried, lonely, etc etc etc - but these things don't make me feel unhappy, just all those other things.

I often wish I could be a cat just one day a week - even one day a month! You know, to wake up in the morning and know that all you have to worry about is...well, nothing! Get fed, get to sleep a lot, get cuddled whenever you want. Again - wouldn't want this forever but the occasional 'cat day' would be quite lovely.

I think you are doing fine, even though you may sometimes not think so. You'll just have to trust me - I'm sometimes quite scarily intuitive.

love,
az

ps
your lads will be fine. they already have ten million times more love and caring than I ever experienced - and look! even you told me once that I was (sh*t can't remember the phrase you used!) emotionally something or other. shall look it up - it was quite a nice compliment.

Nice compliment? Me? When? Yeah, I know its all part of the process, and of COURSE the lads'll be fine, its simply today... Sod the change is all I can say! I've been peri menopausal since I was 37 and I STILL haven't got the hang of those darned blues. I seem to remember going through this sort of metamophis around a decade and a half ago - life wasn't worth living (altho I decided against termination because I was pregnant with the eldest, then - or was it the yunger one? Jeez, can't remember, but I know I was very hormonal)
and I managed OK after a bit of angst. It's all part of the growing process - but bugger me, I forgot just how disorientating and sodding painful it can be. Give me a few months and I shall be smugly saying how I found a profound truth in last year's misery. I KNOW its a learning process, but I wonder - WHAT now? I love the idea of being a cat at least once a month..... oh, by the way, when I said "termination" earlier, I meant me, not the lad. Thats just for clarifications sake, not to get the sympathy vote, btw.

Anyway, thanks for thinking clear for me today - I "know" but sometimes its really handy to have someone else to articulate the lessons learnt. I don't say I'll be "OK" and all whoopeedoo tomorrow,but I'll be less confused than today. That's the beauty of life - we are here and it is now, and there are never any repeats!

Thank you friend

Well, of course I KNOW that you KNOW!

I hardly think I'm telling you anything new that you hadn't thought of or experienced before. Just reminding you. Of what you already know.

I've never - ever ever ever - even remotely considered offing myself. I don't get that at all. I think because I'm too curious and in spite of many things still enjoy being alive.

When it gets to much - just rant!!! Good ol' letting off steam therapy. Kind of like throwing up when you have eaten something bad for you. You need to get it out of your system.

Tomorrow is always another day.

kisses,
az

And here it is, tomorrow, now - and a gloriously cool sunny summery one it is, too.

Strange really, you've never considered suicide - I consider it an option that keeps me alive. But then, I'm a Scorpio and death holds no fear for me anyway - not that I'm saying you're scared either, butI consider death to be such an integral part of life there are times when - to quote the old phrase - you can't see the join! No, I look at it like this - if, one day, I get so bored and disillusioned with life that I cannot see any single thing in it that engages my interest or emotions in any way, and if I have the energy and inclination to take responsibility for my own leaving the party early, then I have the perfect right to do so. BUT having said that, to even raise the energy and interest to figure out a way of doing it ensures that I start thinking and becoming interested in "life" again... h'mm lessee, Hemlock isn't around at this time of year, so lets have a look at the Belladonna, oh look there's a butterfly I haven't seen before, that's pretty, I wonder what it is? I'll have to llok it up when I get home. I haven't seen that bird before, either, I'll check that out. Oh look, there's George the Gnome (who is 6'7") I wonder how he's doing after his op, I'll just go and have a word... and when I come back to consider the Belladonna
I find that I'd sooner pick Cornflowers and make an eye lotion to sort out George the Gnomes' grandkid sties anyway.... that's how my flirting with suicide works. Good innit? Have a good day Az - I shall don my furry feline coat and find some poor fool to stroke me for a couple of days - or failing that, I shall just chill out, jack in the waitressing job - which, as you say, is financial suicide, but I cannot manage that, either, and put myself on disability - that is what I have been fighting against, really. I don't WANT to consider myself as "disabled" but I think I technically am now. I just hate being labelled. I'll get over that. If I apply to myself the advice I would give to anyone else, then I'll surely apply for The Dis and retrain gently for another job whilst being supported by the state. Its just another new beginning, is all

You have a chance to go on 'disability' and gently retrain for something you'd enjoy doing more??? What the heckity is stopping you? *They* call it disability, doesn't actually mean that *you* are 'disabled' - just unable to keep doing a tedious, unchallenging job. Boy, if I had that chance I'd do it tomorrow.

Me? Totally afraid of death. Don't want it to happen before I feel ready for it, and I am definitely NOT ready. Reminds me of a Woody Allen quote - 'I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens'.

Anyhow, have always been curious as to how suicides end up happening because (I presume) one would have to be both terribly depressed and highly motivated at the same time, which is kind of a contradiction.

'Flirting' with suicide, eh? Well, if that works for you, then why not? Bit of a dangerous game, though, if you ask me (and you didn't so feel free to tell me to p*ss off )

Just home from seeing Reloaded - total crap! And because I loved the first Matrix film so much and had been so excited I feel quite let down. The worst thing is that I have promised to bring a 12-year-old student to see it on Wednesday! Well, perhaps if I'm lucky I'll faint from boredom.

Meanwhile, very good strategy - to apply to yourself the same sage advice you would give to someone else. This also goes for loving oneself - to treat yourself with the same love and respect that you happily give to others. Works for me (almost mostly, or at least mostly almost mostly).

Feeling quite cosy now. My friend Mary Anne is over happily reading and drinking beer on my sofa while I HooToo. Nice having someone around without feeling like I have to 'entertain' her. Every now and then she says something about what she is reading, or I tell her about something I've read here. Nice.

So, talk to you later,
az

I'm not sure if I'd be "Considered" disable enough - and the red tape is ghastly - still, I'll try. There is nothing I'd sooner do than massage, but it looks like I have a short shelf life for that... considering reflexology, but oh GAWD I'm not a foot person, really. Still, I'll keep this short, since you're entertaining by not entertaining - say hi to your friend, or hola or whatever the appropriate greeting is. We'll discuss motivation and suicide another day - I'm going to the local funfair with the elder lad, Liam 2 night - his brotherTom is overnighting with his friends up the way a bit. Still foostering about seeing XMen2 - but I want to take both of them, not just one son - it saves so many arguments!
Enjoy the rest of the evening, have a roja or 92 for me!

hi there,

Haven't seen you around for awhile, so thought I'd pop in and say hello and hope you're okay.

And hope to 'see' you soon.

kissitos,
az

Yeah, still floating around in cyberspace, "listening" to conversations, but don't feel I have a lot to say right this minute... doing a lot of internal stocktaking. Also psyching myself up for more darn tests - I am being diagnosed as having Lupus, which is a sort of immune system breakdown which mtches my symptoms very closely. It isn't curable, but it is controllable - it'd be a relief to actually have a "label" for the complaint - not that I like labels as a rule, but it makes th system easier to work. Next week, too, I have the joys of a colonoscopy. I have been waiting 18mths for a minor examination just to confirm that a problem in the .. er.. bottom department had been cured. Three days ago I was finallly called into Outpatients for said check. OK, not pleasant, but I thought that was it. Finito. Oh No! THE FOLLOWING DAY I receive a letter from the hospital calling me in for a Full Monty type exam, and I go in within 10 days or so,

which, with the misbeknighted NHS Service is super speedy stuff. I don't know whether to just be impressed they're finally being efficient, or there may be a more sinister reasen behind the transaction. Either way I am not looking forward to having a camera inserted into my colon. I take such a lousy photograph at the best of times!

I see you've got your nice new computor and te exercise continues despite the heat. Well done you!

I'm back on track emotionally - well, not so depressed and angry, anyway, and the agony in the back area is abating a little due to the ministrations of the osteopath. I can actually walk for 2 or 3 hours without screaming now, which is great. The drama of the allotment has been sorted - one of the old lads down there has taken it over for me, Jeff the Gnome has given me a couple of square metres on his plot for my herbs and I go there two or three times a week, do a bit of hand weeding for them, help drink their beer and eat their bar be ques, and get given fresh fruit and veg from their plots. A very beneficial arrangement all round.

See u round, sometime, Az. Keep up the good work.