The Hillbilly Gourmet's Lemon Cream Cheese Icebox Pie Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything

The Hillbilly Gourmet's Lemon Cream Cheese Icebox Pie

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Lemon cherry cream cheese icebox pie

Need a summer dessert? Is it way too hot to turn the oven on? Have you been summoned to a picnic at short notice? Here's a quick and delicious answer to your problem: Lemon Cream Cheese Icebox1 Pie2. The Hillbilly Gourmet will explain how to make this in truly international fashion.

You will need:

  • One can (14 oz/400 ml) sweetened condensed milk3
  • 12 ounces (350 ml) cream cheese4
  • 3 tablespoons (45 ml) lemon juice
  • A premade graham cracker crust or a box of vanilla wafers
  • A can of cherry pie filling, or the equivalent in your favourite fruit or fruit compote
  • A mixing bowl, a pie dish, a hand mixer, a spatula

What to Do

  1. Put the cream cheese on top of the fridge – or somewhere else where the cats, dogs, and babies can't reach. Go away and come back a few hours later.
  2. Dump the softened cheese into a mixing bowl. Add the can of sweetened condensed milk. This takes patience because it drips slowly. Use the spatula to get the rest of the milk out of the can. It is permitted to stick your fingers into the can (don't cut yourself!) and lick your fingers. Don't lick the spatula. You're going to need it again soon.
  3. Add the lemon juice.
  4. Fire up the hand mixer. Blend the ingredients on low, then medium, then high. Make sure they're well-blended. When you think they are, and you don't see any cream cheese lumps, give it another minute just to be sure.
  5. Using the spatula, decant the mixture onto your premade crust. Make it level. Now you're allowed to lick the spatula. Lick away.
  6. Put the pie into the fridge to set for 2-3 hours or until firm.
  7. Top with cherry pie filling or your favourite fruit or fruit compote.

How to Make Your Own Crust

It may happen that your shop doesn't have graham cracker crust. Or you don't like graham crackers. Or you have coeliac disease. Or you're just too cheap to buy premade crusts. In that case, you can make your own.

You will need a box of vanilla wafers (gluten-free are available).

  1. Crush enough wafers to cover the bottom of the pie dish with the crumbs.
  2. Drizzle melted butter or margarine over the crumbs in a zig-zag pattern. Pat down with clean fingers to make the crumbs stick together.
  3. Line the sides of the pie dish (they slope) with whole vanilla wafers. They will add a decorative touch that is missing from those commercial crusts.
  4. Pour your pie mixture into the crust and refrigerate.

Like all hillbilly food favourites, this icebox pie is:

  • Cheap.
  • Easy, even for lazy people.
  • Low on energy consumption.
  • Very tasty.

Recommended for picnics, church dinners, at-home meals, and when Cousin Jimmy Lee calls from downtown to say he's lost, but if somebody will meet him at Exit 53 he'll be over for supper.

1Icebox: Old word for refrigerator.2Pie: in North America, usually a dessert made of fruit or custard, and sweet.3In the US, it's Borden's Eagle Brand. In western Europe, try Dana sweetened condensed milk. In Russia, it's sgushyonka moloko. In South America, it is dulce de leche. In Central Asia, kajmak. Just about everyone has a version of this delicious milk product.4In the US, it's Philadelphia Cream Cheese. We do not recommend low fat. In western Europe, if cream cheese is not available, use Neufchatel, and let us know how the taste works out for you.

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