How to be a Fool
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Being foolish comes naturally to some people, while others must diligently practice their foolishness to achieve the best results. The following is an instructional guide which will attempt to show existing fools how to best use their ‘talents’, while taking non-fools through the first stages.
The following ‘stunts’ are graded from 1 ‘Egg On Face’ (E.O.F.) through to 5 E.O.F. It is suggested that only seasoned and experienced fools attempt those with an E.O.F. of more than 4. The author will not be held responsible for any of the possible outcomes.
Step 1 E.O.F. – 2
Convince everyone that you are an accomplished juggler (insert activity here), then proceed to demonstrate. Establish that maybe you’re not that good after all, but keep on going anyway.
This is the most basic of foolish things to do, it requires no practice (practice will spoil it – DON’T PRACTICE) and can be easily forgotten if you decide that a fools life is not for you. Alternately, repeats of this stunt can become tedious and predictable – a balance must be achieved.
Step 2 E.O.F. – 3
Eat something very messy/disgusting and get it all over your hands/face/clothes. Best if done in public.
This, also, is a basic foolish stunt that can be performed by anyone, although only a true fool would be game enough to grin wolfishly at the people jeering at them, and offer them a bite.
Step 3 E.O.F. – 3
After laughing with everyone else for a good minute at a joke, admit you didn’t understand it and demand it be explained.
Only a true fool would perform this stunt – most 'normal' people would just forget about it.
Step 4 E.O.F. – 3.5
Admit to watching TV shows aimed at toddlers (such as Sesame Street, Thomas the Tank Engine, and Play School), and liking them. This can be moved to an E.O.F. of 4 if you know the theme song and can sing it. (See Step 6)
Nothing wrong with this one!! True fools will do this all the time, or just ‘the young at heart’.
Step 5 E.O.F. – 4
Wear fancy dress (ie. A clown costume, gorilla suit, etc.) to a Black Tie event, or your mother-in-law's funeral.
This is the height in stupidity – truly a way to embarrass yourself and those with you. If you perform this stunt you are either incredibly brave or stupid.
Step 6 E.O.F. – 4
Sing loudly. In very public places (ie. Burke St Mall, Flinders St Station, etc.). Can be moved to an E.O.F. of 4.5 if it’s a children’s song with actions (ie. “I’m a little teapot”).
Easily achieved while intoxicated, but in that case has an E.O.F. of only 2.
Step 7 E.O.F. – 4
Recite something like Monty Python to yourself, putting on different voices for the different characters, and even laughing at the appropriate times.
Often done when bored, but the true fool will do it all the time, especially while standing in line at the supermarket.
Step 8 E.O.F. – 4
Spin around in circles for no apparent reason going “woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo”.
Best if done while on grass or some other soft surface.
Step 9 E.O.F. – 4
Constantly walk into walls/poles/trees/people/whatever.
Really stupid and very foolish, also quite painful. Trust me on this.
Step 10 E.O.F. – 5
Insist that everyone calls you “Slartibartfast”. If they don’t, stop breathing.
Quite suicidal and stupid, although when done properly can be funny.
If you follow these simple steps, you will soon be on your way to becoming a perfect fool. There is nothing like a fool to brighten up a dull moment or liven up a conversation, although one who is foolish too often can be very annoying.
