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Bourbon Biscuits

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A Bourbon biscuit.

The chocolate bourbon cream is the single most perfect object known to man. Such is the enthusiasm for bourbons that new words have been invented to describe fans of the biscuit, such as:

  • Bourboneers - a group of bourbon eaters
  • Bourber - a bourbon eater (masculine)
  • Bourbonette - a bourbon eater (feminine)

For the benefit of those outside the bourbon distribution area, a bourbon cream is two rectangular biscuits roughly 3cm x 6cm, and 5mm in depth, on either side of an oval of chocolate goo which never spills out from the sides of the biscuit1. This chocolate invention has created many schools of thought depending on the personality of the consumer. For example:

  • The theosophist
    Why do we eat chocolate bourbons, when they make us sick?

  • The competitor
    How can I eat more chocolate bourbons than my friends?

  • The sociologist
    Look at all the ways that people eat the chocolate bourbons. How quaint.

How to Eat a Chocolate Bourbon Cream

The Traditional Method

Some gorge on the bourbon in the same way you would eat, say, a digestive, though some bourbers would argue this demotes the bourbon to mere 'everyday biscuit' status and labels it fit only for dunking purposes.

Scrape Method

  • First, the top biscuit is removed and eaten whole. The body thinks, 'Okay, a chocolate bourbon biscuit without goo.'

  • The body therefore releases its own sugar rush to compensate.

  • Imagine the body's surprise when the bourber scrapes the goo with his/her bottom teeth.

  • The double rush of chocolate renders the scrape-style bourbon eater in chocolate heaven.

  • Once this rush is achieved the scraper will never go back to the traditional way of bourbatious mastication.

  • The increased glucose in the body seriously hampers said person for life2.

The Double Whammy

  • The bourber extracts the top biscuit layer with their teeth and consumes it, leaving the central cream layer as intact as possible.

  • He/she nibbles off the bottom layer of biscuit that protrudes around the cream, leaving an irregular oval of cream-on-base-biscuit.

  • The eater carefully snaps this remainder in half.

  • Licking one cream half gently, the bourber (or bourbonette) places this on top of other half, pressing lightly to adhere.

  • He/she carefully bites off what has now become the top layer of biscuit base.

  • Slowly consuming the remaining piece of base, topped as it is with a luxurious double layer of cream, it is time to...

  • Sigh deeply.

Bourbon Quotes

Spare a thought for the poor, anaemic, albino cousin of the bourbon biscuit - the custard cream!
- Harry Hill
1Unless you force it to.2This level of glucose is said to be called the 'bourbon event horizon'.

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