The following events took place in various Edinburgh pubs on 15 May 2004

• 1257 - fords, EV and Jamie arrive to find Wowbadger has bagged comfy seats.
• 1301 - First use of 'ho yus!'
• 1308 - Wildman arrives
• 1310 - First mention of badgers, and it certainly wasn't the last
• 1312 - Jamie to write to Simon Pegg to ask for a badger reference in the new series of Spaced
• 1315 - 'I need TB for my badger'
• 1327 - DD and FC text EV to apologise for forgetting to come. Kill the heretics!
• 1338 - The What Time Will DD and FC Turn Up? Game commences. Estimated times range from 4.30 to a no show
• 1344 - Eggy arrives, complete with hangover. Has a hair of the badger as prescribed by EV
• 1349 - Eurovision drinking contest suggested, with researchers drinking a drink native to each country
• 1349 - fords is offended at Jamie's mention of B*****m. 'Flems' (phlegms) suggested by Wowbadger
• 1350 - The Wurzels go X-rated
• 1408 - Jamie stated the obvious¹
• 1410 - fords finds Crazyhorse wandering around looking lost
• 1432 - Mort and Zagreb arrive
• 1437 - Eggy: 'A badger is like a raccoon but hard as f**k'
• 1441 - Eggy and fords play Communist Pigdog Origami Boulder
• 1445 - Crazyhorse asks fords where her name comes from. A gasp erupts from assembled Hootooers
• 1456 - Happy noodle boy shall torture your groin!²
• 1500 - Mort and Wildman discuss subbing again. This moves on to a discussion with Wowbadger about English bitter and Wildman setting fire to a pint in Linlithgow³
• 1520 - Mort lets the team down by ordering a glass of water
• 1534 - Mort is sickened by fords and EV's snogging
• 1535 - EV takes Mort from behind
• 1545 - Wildman suffers from nausea from excessive 'patty fingers' between EV and fords
• 1547 - Zagreb gets a mention
• 1555 - Discussion on metrication is interrupted by Wowbadger and Wildman obsessing over threepenny bits
• 1611 - Resemblance between Wildman and portrait of Alexander Graham Bell remarked upon. Jamie and Wildman - separated at birth?
• 1616 - Jamie asks silly question (first time today): 'So EV, when's the big day?'
• 1618 - Wowbadger's better half turns up - alleges forgotten online name. A likely story!
• 1630 - fords, Mort and Eggy discuss shaving off Jamie's beard while he lies drunk
• 1635 - Mort smiles
• 1645 - Glasses raised (not for the first time) in memory of Bels
• 1656 - Crazyhorse admits to frequenting the Cavendish. Ooh-er!
• 1702 - Wildman hates badgers. Heretic!
• 1707 - Wowbadger and EV return together from the toilets, both sporting big grins
• 1740 - Mort sees entry at 1635: 'Cheeky basturts!'
• 1741 - Wowbadger, Mrs Wowbadger and Wildman discuss Gene Simmons' tongue
• 1800 - Elvis enters the building in a lovely powder blue suit
• 1816 - liquidindian arrives and buys drinks for a select few
• 1823 - Wildman used to be a hooker
• 1839 - For the second time in a week, EV declared officially fat
• 1840 - FC arrives!! EV wins the game⁴
• 1850 - Mr and Mrs Wowbadger leave
• 1901 - Eggy has been stolen!
• 1902 - Eggy is returned safely
• 1905 - Eggy necks a pint in 14 seconds
• 1920 - EV: 'Give us a feel of those puppies!'. FC explains that Robert Plant touched one of her puppies, but is unsure of which one it was
• 1920 - Eggy quotes from Happy Noodle Boy: 'You just wasted a perfectly good baby!'
• 1925 - Mort is offically the cigarette vending machine as Eggy and liquidindian keep cadging fags
• 1926 - Jamie has a glazed expression on his face. However, he still has motor functions - he still sips at his pint
• 1934 - The group toasts the inspiration of Towel Day and listen happily to the sound of deadlines whooshing past
• 1936 - EV and fords patty finger - again
• 1937 - HOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!
• 2000 - Crazyhorse takes a quick nap whilst barely managing to keep his pint upright. fords and EV go off for quick snuggles under the guise of playing on the quiz machine
• 2015 - Wildman under threat of Eurovision Song Contest legs it
• 2020 - Eggy and Crazyhorse admit to being pished
• 2025 - Mort heads off home
• 2026 - DD arrives!!
• 2028 - DD vandalises SNP propaganda poster with Lib Dem propaganda
• 2032 - The group leaves the Standing Order for pastures new
• 2104 - At Henry J Bean's, Eggy celebrates finishing his glass of cocktail first by upending his glass on his head
• 2106 - Jamie has a Prince Albert
• 2107 - Eggy is as pished as a monkey and loses ability to talk, see, write and think
• 2110 - Man in fireman's uniform enters pub and instead of fighting fires strips for a girl. Zagreb is appalled and considers phoning Tony Blair to complain about the waste of public money
• 2118 - Zagreb has Eurovision update from Mort. The Bosnian entry is 'deffo gay with drag backing dancers'
• 2128 - The group has Sex on the Beach
• 2142 - Crazyhorse gives up and goes home
• 2152 - Zagreb KOs. Eggy: 'Eat my cheese, monkey groinal strain very drunk!'
• 2155 - DD puts up the money for the taxi to the Copacabadger
• 2207 - On the move again to Shakespeare's pub
• 2211 - All gathered on pavement outside Henry J Bean's except EV. fords says he's up the back somewhere. Cannot be found on inspection of her bum
• 2213 - Eggy leans on DD for support
• 2213 - EV and fords urged to get a room outside the Caledonian Hilton
• 2215 - FC checks complimentary passes for the Subway nightclub for an expiry date. The SRG have until 27 May to use them, will they make it? fords says probably not
• 2218 - FC wants to see EV up the back
• 2221 - SRG find room at Shakespeare's
• 2223 - FC drags EV off. Who knows?
• 2230 - Eurovision results - hurrah!
• 2250 - Ukraine leading - Tinkerbell is texted and asked if she wants Borscht and apricot ice cream next year?
• 2251 - EV's phone dictionary does not recognise 'apricots'
• 2307 - Lock up your beetroot, Xena wins for the Ukraine - here we come!
• 2307 - What is that female presenter wearing?
• 2315 - FC complains about there being three vision mixers used on Eurovision. Why can't she be one??!!
• 2324 - Politics breaks out
• 2327 - Eggy attempts to down pint. Fails
• 2350 - Eggy wins a mousemat for being Eggy
• 2353 - Jamie tries to work out how old he is
• 2354 - Eggy gets beer in his hair
• 0010 - DD and FC f**k off home
• 0103 - Eggy drinks random pint
• 0111 - Nina (Eggy's friend) necks Jamie's pint
• 0125 - Eggy likes talking bollocks
• 0126 - Zagreb nearly gets arrested

Photos by EV

Deciphered by fords

20.05.04 Front Page

Back Issue Page