There is wildlife art. (We gotz it.) And then there is. . .

You know the real difference between now and the 17th Century? (You have the awful feeling I'm about to tell you.)

They didn't have the Edited Guide. Without it, how could they verify their information? They'd have to rely on that other reference work, which we are sure was around back then, albeit in hardcopy form. How do we know? Because Prince Henry, son of James VI and I, seems to have been getting his zoology education from there. His copy of Edward Topsell's The Historie of Foure-Footed Beastes, published 1607, has decorated illustrations. Apparently, the prince was using it for a colouring book when he was a lad.

Now, we would never impugn our Willem's Colours of Wildlife, but inquiring minds want to know why he's never drawn any of these beastes from life. And there's a dearth of the sort of in-depth information he usually supplies us about their evolution, habitat, feeding and reproductive habits, etc. There is a serious gap in our knowledge, which we will herewith remedy from Mr Topsell's book(e).

Mr Topsell was obviously well-credentialled to tell us about such real-life beasts as manticores, gorgons, and unicorns. You see, he was a perpetual curate. Being a perpetual curate, he seems to have had plenty of free time to read Great Literature, and retail it to us in the form of animal lore. He was really skeptical, too. Even though he accepted the spontaneous generation of mice, and the fact that weasels gave birth through their ears – both, you will agree, very scientific ideas – he was doubtful about the existence of the hydra.

He's wrong, there. I remember mucking about with hydras in Biology 101.

Foure-Footed Beastes

1. The Cynocephale.

'The Cynocephales are a kind of Apes, whose heads are like Dogges & their other part like a mans. Some there are which are able to write & naturally to discerne letters which kind the Priests bring into their Temples, & at their first entrance, the Priest bringeth him a writing Table, a pencil & Inke that so by seeing him write he may make by all whether he be of the right kind & the beast quickly sheweth his skill. The Nomades, people of Ethiopia & the nations of Mentimori live upon the milk of Cynocephals, keeping great heards of them, & killing all the males.'   – Topsell.

So now we know. Very useful creatures, these Cynocephals. No office should be without one.

2. Camels. (We're not sure, but we think we've seen one. But not like this.)

Thus Topsell:

'The Camel hath a manifold belly, either because he hath a great body: or, because he eats THorny & Woody substances, God hath provided for the concoction. Puddle water is sweet to him, nor will he drink river water, till he hath troubled it with his foot. He lives a hundred years, unlesse the Ayre agree not with him. When they are on a journey they do not whip them forward: but they sing to them, whereby they run so fast that men can hardly follow them.'

I hope the Ayre agrees with your Camel.

3. The human-faced Lyon. Aha, you thought these were only for decoration.

'There is a variety of Lyon with human faces. As for the rest, the taile of a Lyon is very long, which they shake oftentimes, and by beating their sides therewith they provoke themselves to fight. The nether part of this taile is full of hairs and gristles, and some are of opinion that there is therein a little sting wherewithall the Lyon pricketh itselfe.'

Beware those Lyons' tailes: they are prickly. Does the Discovery Channel know about this? I foresee a new series. . . 'When Lyons attacke'.

4. The hippopotamus. The illustration to this one is top-notch.

Topsell finds the hippopotamus quite fearsome. According to our author, the hippo 'is a most ugly and filthy Beast' that lives 'for the most part in the Nilus'. It eats 'whatsoever cometh in the way'.

This apparently includes devouring hapless crocodiles, taile firste. For shame.

5. The Ichneumon. (The WHAT?) Apparently, the poor crocodile has more to contend with in the Nile than the awful hippopotamus. This thing is just plain nasty.

'The Ichneumon is a creature in Egypt with a long tail like a Serpents. He is an enemy to the Crocodile; for when he observes him sleeping he rolles himself in clay, & goes into his mouth, & so into his belly & eats his liver, & then leaps forth again.'

Frankly, I'm glad this beaste is extinct, and I don't care who knows it. Peta can sue me.

All right, nature fans. I am sure you are all sufficiently edified. If you see any of these creatures on the prowl, please keep your cameras and mobile phones ready, and snap a photo for us (and Willem) – before hastily calling Animal Control in your local area.

We don't know what Prince Henry learned about this, because, alas, the royal heir died young. We have the feeling his brother, Charles I, later wished he himself had spent more time colouring wildlife books and less figuring out how to argue with Parliament.

Fact and Fiction by Dmitri Gheorgheni Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

07.01.13 Front Page

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