I Couldn't Care Less: I Can Do That
Created | Updated Nov 9, 2014
I Can Do That
Last week R and I met with a lady who is currently trying to help us find somewhere more suitable for a disabled person to live. We sat there, the three of us, going through the things we had discussed previously and updating on our progress. I explained that, on one point, I had sent an e-mail and was going to chase up a reply. 'Would you like me to help you with that?' she asked. 'I could chase that for you.' Immediately, instinctively, I said that I was fine, thanks. Then I gave it a second thought. Then I said if she could do that for me, it would really help.
Well that's a dull little story, isn't it? Hardly worthy of an opening paragraph. But to me it contains two fairly major elements that I wanted to ease you in to. The first thing that jumps right down my throat is the business of someone offering to do something for me. This almost never happens. There are people who will do stuff for you, but you have to find them, and then you have to ask them to do it. I'm not complaining about that, you understand. I've written here in the past about how much we have benefited from the help of various (frequently charitable) organisations as we try to grapple with R's disability. But mainly, what they will do is give you information, advice and support. Generally speaking you still have to do the legwork.
Admittedly, this wasn't a huge deal. It was something I could have done for myself. But if you took one straw from a camel and offered to carry it yourself then you'd save him a broken back. Also, the thing is that it can be more substantial than it sounds. First of all, I have to find time. So if I want to do this any time soon, it's my lunch break. Then I have to remember what it was I wanted to do, and who it was I had to call. That's a little harder than I make it sound because it's often more than one chase that I have to deal with. Then of course I have to make the call, wait until somebody answers it, hope they answer it, hope they're in and hope the resultant highly theoretical conversation doesn't leave me with more work to do. So if someone else can take that job off my hands then I can spend my lunch break having a break, and then go back to doing the work I get paid to do. Meanwhile they, since what they are doing is there job, can have their break as usual and I can hand over this task to them without guilt, which is where my second point comes in.
Because the really incredible thing here was not that I was offered help but that I accepted it. I mean, I know I don't have to do all the work single handed, but I sort of feel that I should. I feel that only by ploughing this needlessly lone furrow1 will I validate myself as a proper carer. Having thus achieved validation I am now to some degree proper, and can be allowed to be a part of society. So part of the battle to ease up on myself, is to accept that I should accept help when it is offered, rather than feeling that to do so is to let myself down.
Is this a battle that I'm the only one fighting? I know that plenty of carers are struggling to find the support that they need and will doubtless continue to do so. But are they also fighting their own urge to resist the support they need when they find it? I hope not. Perhaps, if you're a carer, you could drop into Carers of H2G2.
