Milngavie - A cynical view.

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Milngavie (Mill-Guy, not Mill'n'gavie as the spelling would suggest) is a small town just outside Glasgow and is easily one of the less interesting places in Scotland or indeed the world. Famed for being at one end of the West Highland Way and for occasionally having a blue peter presenter or two at its highland games it is one of the duller places in Scotland. The population of Milngavie subdivides into five main groups.

1) The elderly. You can't go anywhere without running into a lot of retired old ladies. Milngavie is the local Elephant's Graveyard for old people as they come here to die (Or complain but it doesn't fit the graveyard analogy)

2) Middle class familys. They love it, surburbia with trees and small bungalows and everything.

3) Lost tourists. They didn't get off the train in time and end up in Milngavie at the end of the line. They might look at the resevoirs, or the ruined castle. Or the clock or the timetable telling them when the next train back to Glasgow is.

4) NEDs. NED stands for non educated delinquent. In most cases it refers to the working class children who misbehave alot and don't do well in school. However Milngavie is different (Having only 4 working class familys) The four working class children are idolised by overly spoilt middle class children who want to appear hard. These children will do all the things that working class children do (Drink Buckfast in public places, bully the sci-fi fans, break things) The interesting fact is that the parents of these children will always say how terrible it is that all these horrible kids are maiking it unsafe to walk the street but will never accept that one of these kids is actually their sweet Torquil*.

5) Organised Crime Leaders. Seriously. Almost every crime lord in the west of Scotland has a house in Milngavie or Bearsden (The neighbouring town) This is because both of Milngavies police officers are fairly useless and it is a safe sort of place to keep their familys.

While most of its population have about as much civic pride as, well as someone with very little civic pride. We still seem to keep up a decent grudge match with the people in Bearsden, because it is a neighbouring town (And someone from there may or may not have returned a lawn mower at one point) To accomodate this, just beyond the McDonalds resteraunt there is a no mans alnd space. This is actually a signposting accident where the signs for welcome to bearsden and welcome to milngavie have a five (approx) metre gap between them, the space between is unclaimed territory and may be mined.

Milngavies facilities include.

A handful of primary Schools (Some using buildings near a century old, and teaching pracices taht are older)

A secondary School

This is Douglas Academy, built at the time when buildings were to look ugly and leak and wherever possable, sink into teh ground. Douglas Academy has good teachers, and incompotent teachers, I don't think I'm allowed to print teh ratio however.

Two hotels (new)

God knows why

One (two) Sports centres.

It is disputed wheather either of these sports centres is actually in milngavie. Esporta (The posh one) May be located beyond the milngavie sign which I think puts it in Strathblane. The Allander Sports Centre is very close to no mans land and so it is questionable wheather it is in Milngavie or Bearsden.


a few, teh town centre holds multiple takeaways and two resteraunts, one itallian. 1 McDonalds.


Ha! You'll be lucky. Actually tehre are plans to include a Coffee shop where teh fitness centre once was. And both Sal's and Gavins mill do a passable cappuchino, but no take out.


a few atry or twee souveneer shops, a coupe of supermarkets and possably a branch of next. Don't even think of looking for good CD and Video shops because there aren't any.


Global Video Hire.
Watching neds (from a distance)
Getting mugged or abused.

Bars. A few actually.

Gavin's Mill

Over Priced, a little poncy, tiny, really a resteraunt.

The Allander

Bit of a dive, full of underagers and people you don't want to meet from school.

The Talbot Arms

Old mans pub. Don't like strangers round there.

The Cross Keys

The pub with no Identity, the traditional, new ultra modern, old man's, young people's family, not so family place. Actually Ok but a little confused.

Sal's Famous

A passable mexican resteraunt, but an overpriced bar filled with all teh othe rpeople you didn't want to meet in school

My final advice is to avoid Milngavie at all costs. There is no escape for some people so watch your step.

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