Hunks of Burning Love
'Why are there two enormous bald angry men in this trailer?'
I couldn't tell if Sagacious Dave sounded more aggrieved or suspicious. 'Because the third enormous bald angry man fell out with the second one,' I said (I decided not to go into details of the Vin Diesel/Dwayne Johnson tiff just at that moment).
Sagacious Dave grumphed. Once again, I couldn't really believe my luck: having talked the ursine Head of Advanced Erudition from my workplace into going to see The Meg with me last year (as readers with long memories and short change may recall), and his making vaguely positive noises about it, I took the chance on suggesting we go and see this year's Jason Statham film as well. He had insisted on seeing the trailer first, though.
In the end the Sagacious One said yes, and off we went to the cinema, accompanied by one of his children (I wasn't sure if the offspring actually wanted to see the movie or just see with his own eyes what the patriarch of the family did in his spare time). As it turned out, if Sagacious Dave had known going in that this was a Fast & Furious movie, I would have had a much harder job talking him into it, as he had seen one of the duff early sequels and not enjoyed it. But he hadn't so I didn't and there we were watching David Leitch's Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw like two serious-minded education professionals (plus a grown-up child).
Never mind that this is officially a spin-off from the long-running Fast & Furious franchise, this coming together of genial Dwayne Johnson and Mr Jason Statham feels somehow fated. I know they've technically been together in the last two F&Fs, but on this occasion the movie can dispense with all the supporting cast of sidekicks and just let the pair of them get on with it, which basically boils down to frowning a lot and property damage.
There is something pleasingly pure about the straightforwardness of the plot. Some evil transhumanist terrorists have stolen a plot McGuffin and an MI6 team is sent to steal it back (some iffy editing strongly indicates their secret base is in an underground car-park under St Paul's Cathedral in London, but I doubt this is intentional). Leading the team is Hatty Shaw (Vanessa Kirby), who is of course Mr Statham's little sister. Things take on some of the proportions of a citrus fruit when they encounter lead terrorist operative Idris Elba, who has been given the strikingly dubious name of 'Brixton' and basically turned into MACH One from old issues of 2000AD. Brixton frames Hatty Shaw for the death of her own team and forces her to go on the run, having downloaded the McGuffin into her own body (of course).
Now, it turns out that Mr Hobbs and Mr Shaw are both already on the case, as depicted through a lively sequence using more split screen effects than have been seen in a movie theatre since about 1971. 'Who are you?' growls a bad guy, supplying this feed line with an admirably straight face. 'I'm an ice-cold can of whup-ass,' replies genial Dwayne, who also manages to deliver this immortal dialogue deadpan. 'Funny, I'd have thought that would have broken,' observes Mr Statham, over in his bit of the sequence, having beaten about six people unconscious with a champagne bottle which has miraculously remained intact. Oh, friends, the joy – the joy.
Now, believe it or not, you can't just have these two walloping people for the whole movie, and the script dutifully obliges by crowbarring in scenes establishing the moral premise of Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw. Mr Hobbs gets a scene with his young daughter (who has had a facelift since F&F 8) and Mr Shaw gets a scene with his mum (still Helen Mirren, who has clearly realised this is the kind of film where you don't have to worry too much about acting), and it turns out both of them are carrying an inner sadness, because they are estranged from their families. Could it be that all the chasing about and hitting people that will come over the next two hours will bring about a rapprochement? Hint: yes.
So, the CIA (embodied by an uncredited Ryan Reynolds, who is roaringly OTT even by the standards of this kind of film) puts genial Dwayne and J-Stat together to find Hatty Shaw and the missing McGuffin ('No ****ing way!' howl the duo in unison) and hopefully fend off the marauding Brixton. They chase about London for a while and blow a lot of it up. Then they go to an evil base in Russia and chase about there for a while, blowing much of that up too (the evil base is clearly meant to be under the Chernobyl plant, but this has been snipped from the script presumably because they don't want to be seen to be jumping on the bandwagon of that TV show). Then they all go off to Samoa to blow most of there up too (Cliff 'Maori Jesus' Curtis appears as Mr Hobbs' elder brother).
On the way out I asked Sagacious Dave what he'd thought of it (his son had been sitting between us so I hadn't heard his reaction to the choicer moments of the film). 'That was very congruent,' he said, with a beatific smile upon his face. It turned out this meant he thought it cleaved very admirably to the requirements of the action movie genre. And indeed it does: lots of cars and even a few buildings are demolished, Mr Statham gets to beat up multiple people simultaneously in more than one scene, and genial Dwayne gets to do a Samoan war dance before dragging a helicopter out of the sky using sheer muscle power. (If, as has been suggested, the fight scenes are carefully choreographed so both stars take exactly the same number of punches for contractual reasons, it is not at all obvious.) But it also entertains mightily as a knockabout comedy film, with the two leads sparring breezily and overcoming some very Carry On-level humour. Thankfully the film does have a sense of its own ridiculousness and plays up to this just enough: it is, of course, absurd to suggest that Dwayne Johnson (an actor so monolithic that compared to him J-Stat is described as the 'small, subtle' one) can evade an international manhunt by putting on a cap and a false moustache, but it's such an amusing idea that the movie gets away with it. Only when Kevin Hart comes on to do the actual comic relief do things feel a bit laboured and you wish they'd get on with it.
They even find time to include the necessary character beats and reflective moments as the film continues, and we learn a bit of the back-story of both lead characters (Mr Shaw's history has become a bit confusing, and his reinvention as misunderstood anti-hero kind of glosses over the fact he murdered Sung Kang in F&F 3, 6, and 7, but hey ho). But Leitch knows not to get too bogged down in this stuff and soon we are back to moments of priceless cinematic gold like Eddie Marsan running amok with a flamethrower or Idris Elba being head-butted in slow-motion.
Needless to say, the action choreography is lavish and immaculate, as you would expect from a movie on this scale. I think there is a strong case to be made that the Fast & Furious films have really displaced the Bond franchise as cinema's big, brash, outrageous action series – they don't have quite the same wit or classiness, but they don't take themselves too seriously, know how to stick to a winning formula, and they are almost irresistibly entertaining, especially when they're fronted by actors like Johnson and Statham.
That said, we are told that Fast & Furious 10 will mark the end of the series. Happily, though, it looks very much like future Hobbs & Shaw movies are on the cards, separate to all of that. Does the Fast & Furious series really need Vin Diesel and all of that Los Angeles street racer malarkey? On the evidence of this film, I would say not. This is a very silly film, but that doesn't mean it isn't a lot of fun, too.
Also This Week...
…In Fabric, a knowingly bonkers comedy-horror film from writer-director Peter Strickland. A woman who's joined a dating agency after an acrimonious split buys a new dress; unfortunately the department store appears to be run by witches and the dress is cursed; increasingly bizarre and ominous events assail her and subsequent owners of the garment.
Plays rather like an unlikely coming-together of Dario Argento and Mike Leigh, possibly with consultation by the League of Gentlemen. The presence of Ben Wheatley as executive producer does not come remotely as a shock. The deftness with which the film slides between horror, comedy and drama is never less than impressive, and it is frequently very funny – but weird and unsettling rather than scary (quite graphic too, in places). The quasi-portmanteau structure is a bit wrong-footing if you're not expecting it, and the first segment of the film is definitely the strongest, but this is a very impressive and entertaining film.