The Good, the Bad, and the Letterbox
The Light watched in horror, as first, the totally ridiculous wig was removed, and then the equally ridiculous meat suit was unzipped.
The Dark unfolded its vast, hideous, self from the equally hideous (and that's saying something!) disguise.
Giving what passed for a grin, the Dark flashed it's appallingly terrifying fangs and jokingly offered.
'Good meat suit, bigly gorgeous, I cherish that suit, truly great, I know meat suits, trust me, I'm a great guy!'
'You've gone too far with this one!' The Light shook what passed for a head, 'Truly, truly appalling, even for you!'
The Light turned what passed for its back, and set about giving a toothache to a rather unassuming man from Delaware.
'So I get to be President, me? Who'd've believed it? I'm President!'
Swann took a deep lungful, and took the script back off Henry.
'So, look dude… ' the office filled with primo smoke as he spoke.
'... ever since the VacZine fiasco, the studios ain't vibing on the whole Letterbox Horror franchise, you're just not, er, undead enough, this is a good way back in, show your human side, keep Flamin' Crumpet afloat, and you still get to star in a supernatural flick too, winner winner, veggie dinner!'
Henry screwed up his face at the thought of vegetables.
'So, these two god thingies are constantly messing around with reality, trying to balance good and evil.'
'Light and Dark, well, Dark and Light, actually H!'
'What bleedin evs! And they have some wimpy dude from bleedin Des Moines to sort stuff out…?'
'Delaware, actually H… '
'And I don't get to play the cool, rich, prez with the bleedin sexy missus, just the boring, sensible guy?'
'Bringing balance and peace back to the world! Yeah!'
'No swords, no beards, no heavy metal? And I have to wear stupid brown shoes?'
'That's the whole vibe dude, an unassuming man sets the world...... '
'With toothache? Toothache and brown bleedin shoes? The most stupidest bleedin script I've ever had my PA read for me! Never fly, no sex, no gore, no action, no brown bleedin shoes! And, Erm, let me think.. No bleedin me! Not doing it!'
And with that, Henry Letterbox took the plate of crumpets, put on his jaunty red baseball cap, and stormed out of the office to play a round of golf.
The Dark grinned hideously, plucking at a Kerplunk straw with its frighteningly grotesque claws.
'At last, a monkey I can relate to, I'm gonna enjoy this one – bigly!'