"There is no such thing as a free lunch" is what you are no-doubt told at every available opportunity by people who enjoy spouting aphorisms. Well, h2g2 is here to prove them wrong.

I'm sure you're familiar with the scenario: you're hungry and it's lunchtime, yet you don't have any money. Problem.

Solution? Get a free lunch.

But how would you go about this?

This is where you come in. Post your ideas and methods, venues and schemes that you use to make sure you have a full tummy to take you through the afternoon. No matter how underhand or devious (in fact, the more devious the better), we want to hear from you.¹

Venues and Jobs

Example

A local scientific research lab, or university. Enquire about 'GM food testing' or other food-related product assessment research. This could provide the opportunity of being paid for eating free food. Joy!

Be warned, though: there is a reason for the testing. It could be time to find the sweater that granny knitted with the three sleeves...

Crisp Taster

Discovered in 'The Editor' supplement of The Guardian- August 27th 1999

Griffith Laboratories needs a sensory taste tester to try crisps, snacks and processed foods. Must be under 40, as the palate declines with age.
£4.50 per hour.

Hospitalisation

Hospitals are not generally associated with food: not unless it's already in a patient.
However, they are a great source of free feeds.

First of all, you must get yourself admitted. Now, you can't just wander in and demand a slap-up meal for one. The trick is to find an ailment of suitable severity to entitle you to food, but not one which would result in permanent damage.

A good technique is to fake worrying symptoms such as dizziness, fatigue, cross-eyed vision and tourette's syndrome (anything for a laugh). Tell the attendant that you just woke up this morning in your current state; "It could be something to do with the three-week-old pie I accidentally consumed last night"...

If you ensure your symptoms are consistent throughout examination, even though physical checks will prove negative, you should be kept in for observation. Keep 'forgetting' the name of your doctor if anyone is in doubt.

A final word of warning: do not take it too far. It is possible that if you claim that you are Alexander The Great, hijack a trolley-bed and ride down the corridors shouting "I ate your mothers' hat while she slept", you will be carted away to a 'secure' area and sedated.

You may laugh now. But it can happen to the best of us.

Underhand Schemes

Example

Next time McDonalds (or similar chain) give out free offer cards, which result in the gaining of free food, keep hold of them. Tell the assistant that you have a free pass entitling you to a [insert item here]. Show them the face of the card to prove it is legitimate. Make sure you cover any 'to be collected by retailer after use' instructions on the card with your finger (or show the card for a very short period of time only).

Under absolutely no circumstances must you give the card back. If this results in a 'scene', then so be it. Carry pepper spray.

Return 'x' number of times, until the assistants become weary.

Tip: McDonalds offer 'free iced water', but they will fail to mention this. Bear it in mind next time you're really thirsty and are short of cash. However, it's also worth pointing out that for some reason, it often tastes rather unusual.

Eating Wild

Example

Dig a large pit in the middle of a wild forest. Cover this pit with thin branches to provide support, and liberally cover with debris such as leaves, pine needles, mud or whatever is to hand.

Leave the pit until a heavy creature steps on it, and falls in. Make sure the pit is deep or slippery enough to prevent escape. Then kill or leave the prisoner to starve before retrieving and cooking. It is unlikely that you would catch anything significant in the UK, other than a rambler. If, by the time you have constructed your trap and waited for prey, you are so hungry that you wish to eat the rambler, make sure that you destroy any evidence and that you plan a suitable alibi. It is also advisable for you to take yourself to the nearest mental establishment, where the kind staff will make sure that the nasty voices will stop, and give you a nice padded room.

N.B. It is imperative that you remember WHERE you placed the trap. Being caught in your own trap after days of hunger-driven wandering would indeed be an unfortunate, if ironic way to spend your last days.

Customer Satisfaction Abuse

Example

High-class establishments do not appreciate customer complaints. They find the whole process very upsetting, usually call the chef out of the kitchen (for some reason they are usually named something like 'Antonio' and are angry, angry people) and stand around tut-tutting. That is why only the most professional free-luncher should attempt an escapade in such a place. It is far better to choose a chain such as 'The Little Chef' or even a Forte hotel. These places are usually hosted by young, uninformed and innocent staff who can be easily flustered. It is usually best to point out faults in the preparation of the food, rather than the service (partly to avoid hurt on the part of the staff: you're not there to harm anyone's career: just get a free lunch). If you have the fortune to pre-book and preorder you food, then take the opportunity to read-up on the preparation and characteristics of what you have preordered. For instance: look up any tell-tale signs of elderly vegetables (such as wilted sides or discolouration of leaves) or undercooking.

When you have received your meal, check each part thoroughly. Maybe the meat is slightly too pink in the middle, or the Lettuce from the buffet has gone slimy. Has the cauliflower gone slightly brown or grey in patches, showing the first signs of mould? It is very likely that by your fifth outing to an eatery you will find such a fault. This is the important part. Do not simply niggle at the waiter or waitress about the standard of the food. Any fool could do that. Instead, use the knowledge you picked up from your research. Bewilder the staff with complicated words or possible effects which may arise from consuming the food. For instance, if the chicken is slightly pink, point out the dangers of salmonella - with which the Service will have to agree ("the customer is always right"). Tell them that the incident has put you off eating at their establishment totally. They will apologise profusely, take your name and address and either refund the meal or send a conciliation (such as vouchers) to you later.

Please remember that Customer Satisfaction Abuse should be undertaken only by those who are very desperate, unable to construct a bear trap (or find any bears) or live near a McDonalds. Unless performed correctly, the operation could result in the loss of jobs, your own conscience - and temper, on behalf of the no-doubt already irate chef. And no-one would like that.

"Frustrated Customer"

Many fast food chains here are staffed by people who wish for nothing more
than for their day to be through and their pay to be collected. In other
words, they don't care a bit about upholding the integrity of the operation.
This poor attitude is most common at McDonald's, but can be found in
almost every fast food chain with a sign displayed on the exterior reading
"Help Wanted, $6/hour, Apply Within." Though this attitude is most
unpleasant to behold, it is *extremely* useful in obtaining free food.

Here's what you do (we'll use McDonald's in this particular example):

- Walk into the restaurant, looking upset. Look at your watch frequently;
appear frustrated and in a hurry. Frown a great deal.
- Approach the front counter. If possible, cut in front of whomever may
be at the front of the line. Be rude. Your rudeness is justified by your
frustration. Remember, you're very frustrated.
- When offered help by the counter person, explain (as rudely and as
frustratingly as possible) that the [insert food item of your choice here]
you ate yesterday was below usual taste standards, and that after telephoing
the manager, you were assured a complementary meal to compensate for your
inconvenience.

At this point, the situation could branch off in a few different ways:

1. The counter person simply gives you the free meal.
2. The counter person asks who you spoke with. When this happens, always
say "I think he said his name was Mike. I can't remember. I was furious at
the time I called, and whoever I spoke with told me to come in to get my
free meal. I've got hungry kids waiting in the car, and my mother's dying
in the hospital. Give me my food."
3. The counter person calls for the manager's assistance. If faced with
the manager, say this: "Don't you remember me? I'm the one that ate the
[food item] that tasted like warm dog poo. You apologized and told me to
come in at my leisure to get my free meal. So I'm here. My kids are in the
car, waiting and hungry, and we're on the way to see my mother who is about
to die. I'm really in a hurry." Look at your watch at least seven times
while speaking.

At this point, you have virtually assured yourself a free meal. If your
demeanor is convincing enough (i.e. you're tired/frustrated/rushed/about to
visit a dying, loved relative with young hungry kids in the car waiting
impatiently), you'll probably be given the food in a very big hurry.

If, however, for some reason you find that you're faced with intelligent
people who aren't going to fall for your gag, simply leave (feel free to
throw in a comment like "You'll hear from my lawyer" or "Is that I rat over
there?" as you walk out), locate the next closest fast food facility, and
try again.

The benefit to this method is that you don't actually have to order any food
first. You don't commit yourself to any potential financial obligation.
You simply walk in, make your convincing demand, and walk out with
nourishment. If something goes wrong, you've lost nothing but a few moments
of (hopefully entertaining) time.

- If possible, actually *bring* the small children into the restaurant
with you. Ask them in advance to occasionally blurt out something like "I
don't want mommy to die" or "I'm hungry."
- Smell bad. If you give off an unpleasant odor, you're far more likely
to be given what you request and excused, as soon as possible.
- Sweat. Nothing adds more to the element of genuine frustration than a
good sweaty, flustered face. If possible, sweat so much that some of your
sweat drips onto the counter.
- Carry a cellular phone. Have someone at another location call you at
the planned time (this should be within 45 seconds to a minute after
entering the restaurant) and speak loudly into the phone: "She's dying? I
know, I know. I'm hurrying. It's just that I'm stuck here at this place,
trying to get the manager to honor their word. They served me crap food
last time, and they said they'd take care of it." Stare at the counter
person the entire time you're speaking. Lock your eyes onto theirs.
- Wear professional clothing. It never hurts to be professional looking.
- Wear a police uniform and/or carry a visible weapon. This also makes
for a very convincing act.