Beyond The Brochure: How to stop you food from being eaten.
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
The Problem:Food is wonderful isn't it? It smells nice, it tastes great. It's functional too. It exists in a myriad of different forms to tempt even the most reluctant pallets. Food is then very popular and valued highly. That is not the problem. The problem is the length that some people will go to get food. Especially when it is not their own. The dwellers of flats and student houses up and down this country all know the bane of the Phantom Fridge Thief. The communal fridge is an easy target for this new breed of deviant. What is needed is a solution. A way that permits legitimate fridge users but prevents undue access. What we need are some ideas.Some ideas.....First things first, you could try being practical and writing legibly on the outerpacking of your food your name (and possibly your room number etc) in marker pen. A simple clear indication that 'This food is mine' and a little faith in your fellow man might work. Sometimes. However the true Fridge Thief will care not a sausage for this plea and will most probably blithely ignore it. Wilier variations on this theme have been attempted. Tales have been handed down of the biology student who, fearing for the longevity of his milk, wrote on the carton: "EXPERIMENT".
Allegedly, it remained untouched.Threats, as practical as they may seem, do not work. Writing something along the lines of "If you touch my food, I will rip your spleen out" and then leaving your food unprotected will only end up with stolen food and a thief with all internal organs healthy and acounted for. Even if one did try to follow up on a threat, and they found the thief, they may have second thoughts about ripping out their best friend's spleen. If after calmly trying to point out in reasonable manors such as these, your displeasure to the Pantom Fridge Thief at having your food-stuffs spirited away and still the problem persists. Something more drastic may have to be considered.Something more drastic.If little messages are having no effect you could always try hiding your food. Place items in a greasy, crumpled paper bag and shove to the back of the fridge, the idea being that the thief will be less inclined to go for things at the back than at the front and would be further discouraged by discovering they have first to root through the bag to retrieve anything. Though this is a more direct attempt to thwart the robber, it is open to failure for two reasons. Firstly, your food can't be at the back of the fridge every time and one day everyone is going to have to face leaving their crumpets exposed at the front. Secondly, though your average Phantom Fridge Thief has no moral fibre they are possessed of strong stomachs and a greasy, crumpled paper bag affords little protection. There will always be some brave soul willing to risk life and limb1 just to retrive what may be inside and bang! - that's your food gone. On the topic of hiding your food, maybe camouflage is the answer. Food concealed 'neath items of greenery are rarely touched as it seems that the deviants fail to notice them hiding there. A slice of pizza buried underneath a piece of some rather elderly broccoli went the night unmolested, whereupon it was consumed in haste the next day by the pizza's owner, lest the trick should fail to work a second time. But surely the principle is a sound one? Alternatively you could try camouflaging the fridge itself 2 It is less likely to be raided if the would-be raider cannot find it. On the subject of not being able to find your fridge, it has been known for students to abandon the fridge all together and instead to leave milk and other items suspended in carrier bags from their window ledges at night. This is good because it will be safe and you can keep an eye on them.3 neatly side-stepping the efforts of your local Phantom Fridge Thief. However, we are not content with letting it go at that. We have had our researchers racking their brains and plumbing the depths for new and more ingenious methods for beating the miscreant plunderer. Thus the next section is entitled, "Of course, you realise....."
At this juncture, you could, of course, always hide in your fridge. Perhaps a device that was rigged up to squirt indelible ink on a perpetrator (like the safty devices used in bank raids) rather than siren would provide better protection for our perishable goods. The guilty could be identified by the incriminating stains on their clothes. Always though, you must consider that if these methods allow you to identify the Phantom Fridge Thief, you must, must keep your temper. Sudden spontaneous bonfires in the garden would arouse the suspicions of your fellow dwellers, in much the same way as curious six-foot long flowerbeds attract Police officers in all protracted murder inquiries. End-Game. Step1. Take all of the food out of the fridge. Step2. Turn the dial up to maximum. Step3. Invite friends and colleagues for a Poirot4 style revelation of the true identity of the Phantom Fridge Thief Step4. Put them in the fridge 5 Step5. Padlock it shut. 6Step6. Pause for a quite moment of reflection7Step7. Eat the food
Knock it off! And no more taking food that's not your own! Got it?
Allegedly, it remained untouched.Threats, as practical as they may seem, do not work. Writing something along the lines of "If you touch my food, I will rip your spleen out" and then leaving your food unprotected will only end up with stolen food and a thief with all internal organs healthy and acounted for. Even if one did try to follow up on a threat, and they found the thief, they may have second thoughts about ripping out their best friend's spleen. If after calmly trying to point out in reasonable manors such as these, your displeasure to the Pantom Fridge Thief at having your food-stuffs spirited away and still the problem persists. Something more drastic may have to be considered.Something more drastic.If little messages are having no effect you could always try hiding your food. Place items in a greasy, crumpled paper bag and shove to the back of the fridge, the idea being that the thief will be less inclined to go for things at the back than at the front and would be further discouraged by discovering they have first to root through the bag to retrieve anything. Though this is a more direct attempt to thwart the robber, it is open to failure for two reasons. Firstly, your food can't be at the back of the fridge every time and one day everyone is going to have to face leaving their crumpets exposed at the front. Secondly, though your average Phantom Fridge Thief has no moral fibre they are possessed of strong stomachs and a greasy, crumpled paper bag affords little protection. There will always be some brave soul willing to risk life and limb1 just to retrive what may be inside and bang! - that's your food gone. On the topic of hiding your food, maybe camouflage is the answer. Food concealed 'neath items of greenery are rarely touched as it seems that the deviants fail to notice them hiding there. A slice of pizza buried underneath a piece of some rather elderly broccoli went the night unmolested, whereupon it was consumed in haste the next day by the pizza's owner, lest the trick should fail to work a second time. But surely the principle is a sound one? Alternatively you could try camouflaging the fridge itself 2 It is less likely to be raided if the would-be raider cannot find it. On the subject of not being able to find your fridge, it has been known for students to abandon the fridge all together and instead to leave milk and other items suspended in carrier bags from their window ledges at night. This is good because it will be safe and you can keep an eye on them.3 neatly side-stepping the efforts of your local Phantom Fridge Thief. However, we are not content with letting it go at that. We have had our researchers racking their brains and plumbing the depths for new and more ingenious methods for beating the miscreant plunderer. Thus the next section is entitled, "Of course, you realise....."
1And in some cases of particularly ancient cheeses, the faculties of sight and smell.2Fitted kitchens already achieve this to a large extent by having wooden panelling on every door. Including the fridge. This can be very confusing. Intense scientific study has shown that acute sensations of disorientation have resulted from prolonged exposure. Herds of wild D.I.Y enthusiasts have been known to wander around in circles for days in the larger home-improvement warehouses. Lost, they survive only by breaking open and eating packets of seedlings for nourishment and building and defending their forts amongst the conifers in the garden centres. As the normative rules of family and society breakdown, gang rule takes over. The dominant male of the herd will usual contest with younger juveniles for the largest group of females for his harem. The worst incidence of this kind of public disorder was recorded during the January Sales in Surrey in 1987.3This is not true of other things, say, small children or pets.
" This means Waugh ! " Most of these ideas involve in some way upgrading the technological specifications of the humble fridge itself to present a hardier deterrent to the thievery in the kitchen. Simple things first, what about just putting a lock on the fridge? Only authorised people with keys could gain access. An example of how this might be practically achieved is demonstrated by the person who padlocked their fridge shut. Unfortunately, the Phantom Fridge Thief is adept at improvisation. And as for the person in question, not even a week later, they returned to their kitchen to find the padlocked sheared in two and left on the side and their fridge completely cleaned out. Dispiritingly, it would seem that even truly desperate measures can be overcome by enterprising and truly determined snackers with a set of boltcutters. A lock that as an integral part of the fridge might work though. Further improvements, pursued by our researchers, could include a siren that sounded when the fridge was opened by someone unauthorised to do so ( smartcards or retinal scans maybe ? ) One is however, is reluctant to recommend this as, much like the humble car alarm, most people would simply ignore it. Or worse still, when it goes off unexpectedly and wakes up the neighbourhood at half-past two in the morning, incurring the wrath and possible violent outbursts of a vicious blood-thirsty mob at your door, crying out for vengeance. At this juncture, you could, of course, always hide in your fridge. Perhaps a device that was rigged up to squirt indelible ink on a perpetrator (like the safty devices used in bank raids) rather than siren would provide better protection for our perishable goods. The guilty could be identified by the incriminating stains on their clothes. Always though, you must consider that if these methods allow you to identify the Phantom Fridge Thief, you must, must keep your temper. Sudden spontaneous bonfires in the garden would arouse the suspicions of your fellow dwellers, in much the same way as curious six-foot long flowerbeds attract Police officers in all protracted murder inquiries. End-Game. Step1. Take all of the food out of the fridge. Step2. Turn the dial up to maximum. Step3. Invite friends and colleagues for a Poirot4 style revelation of the true identity of the Phantom Fridge Thief Step4. Put them in the fridge 5 Step5. Padlock it shut. 6Step6. Pause for a quite moment of reflection7Step7. Eat the food
4An Agatha Christie penned detective. Hercule Poirot is unique amongst all of her creations as he possesses a prominent moustache. This feature has in the past drawn comment as it often seen as a taunt to the more militant animal activists by giving the appearance of one having stiched a dead blackbird to his upper lip and then proceeding to wax it and display it in public and high society. He is famous, and it is this capacity that he is here referenced, for bringing together the surviving murder suspects for a thrilling denument of the real murderer.5This is all very silly.6It is also fantastically dangerous - so it ought to go with out
saying, but I'll say it anyway, DON'T TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE. EVER.7We really mean it.
Consequences.Whilst it is now true that after indulging in this little bit backstabbing and general skulduggery, you now hold the title of Phantom Fridge Thief 8 you may well feel that this is now in some way justified having been exasperated by everyone else ignoring your honest and decent attempts to stop them pinching your milk or Marmite, that it is only right and proper that you get to do the same to them.....Well you're wrong. it is just not nice to take food that somebody else was expecting to eat. Think of your Karma. If you keep this sort of behaviour up, you'll be reincarnated as biscuit. And then where will you be? Imprisoned in one of the nether-regions of Hell, that's where. Forced to be handled by a grubby demonic two year old, gummed and dribbled upon. Crumbled and stamped into the carpet. Left behind the cushion on the settee for over a month and finally being sicked up on by the cat. Eeked out, for all eternity. And because in matters of eternal damnation we are not flippant. We want to stress this point:saying, but I'll say it anyway, DON'T TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE. EVER.7We really mean it.
Knock it off! And no more taking food that's not your own! Got it?
8Not to mention, Serial Killer, if you didn't have foresight enough to drill air-holes in the top of the fridge beforehand.
The Field Researchers Wot Diddit..... Massive thanks go to Buff, who started off the original forum and contributed most of the ideas and helped me with revisions. To MauveBib for a late note that went towards ' End-Game ', Thank you for that.
And finally, a discreet dedication to all the poor unfortunantes for whom the Phantom Fridge Thief is a real and terrible threat to their continued nourishment.
1And in some cases of particularly ancient cheeses, the faculties of sight and smell.2Fitted kitchens already achieve this to a large extent by having wooden panelling on every door. Including the fridge. This can be very confusing. Intense scientific study has shown that acute sensations of disorientation have resulted from prolonged exposure. Herds of wild D.I.Y enthusiasts have been known to wander around in circles for days in the larger home-improvement warehouses. Lost, they survive only by breaking open and eating packets of seedlings for nourishment and building and defending their forts amongst the conifers in the garden centres. As the normative rules of family and society breakdown, gang rule takes over. The dominant male of the herd will usual contest with younger juveniles for the largest group of females for his harem. The worst incidence of this kind of public disorder was recorded during the January Sales in Surrey in 1987.3This is not true of other things, say, small children or pets.4An Agatha Christie penned detective. Hercule Poirot is unique amongst all of her creations as he possesses a prominent moustache. This feature has in the past drawn comment as it often seen as a taunt to the more militant animal activists by giving the appearance of one having stiched a dead blackbird to his upper lip and then proceeding to wax it and display it in public and high society. He is famous, and it is this capacity that he is here referenced, for bringing together the surviving murder suspects for a thrilling denument of the real murderer.5This is all very silly.6It is also fantastically dangerous - so it ought to go with out
saying, but I'll say it anyway, DON'T TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE. EVER.7We really mean it.8Not to mention, Serial Killer, if you didn't have foresight enough to drill air-holes in the top of the fridge beforehand.
saying, but I'll say it anyway, DON'T TRY THIS IN REAL LIFE. EVER.7We really mean it.8Not to mention, Serial Killer, if you didn't have foresight enough to drill air-holes in the top of the fridge beforehand.
