Cream soda, even by such distinguished companies as A&W, is only mildly palatable, even to the most indiscriminating of tongues. However, because of this, stores will discount it to the point where you just have to say to yourself, "What the hell. It's just carbonated sugar anyway."

This is, of course, where you begin to go terribly, terribly wrong.

To digest it without leaving that particularly nasty aftertaste, you will need to collect the following ingredients:

• Root beer (also known as sasparilla)
• Two Coffee filters (coffemaker not required, but it's up to you)
• Lemon-flavoured dishwashing liquid
• VERY hot water, maybe even boiling
• Twenty-four ice cubes
• Three glasses
• Tape

Collect all your ingredients and, of course, the cream soda. Place a coffee filter very carefully in one of the glasses, and tape it so it doesn't fall all the way in. Pop the can, or open the bottle, of the cream soda, and pour into the filter, making sure the tape holds. Now pour yourself a glass of dishwashing liquid, look at it very closely, and decide you don't want to drink it. Wait until you are very, very thirsty. Look at the cream soda. Now look at the dishwashing liquid. Pour the cream soda back into the can, replace the filter, and begin from the top.

Eventually you're going to be so thirsty the dishwashing liquid is going to start looking good to you. Pop open the root beer and guzzle away, making sure to burp because you were in such dire need of refreshment you completely forgot about the carbonation. Take yet another look at the dishwashing liquid, and without a second thought pour the rest of the root beer in that glass. Swish it around a bit, and take a shot. Gag, if you wish.

Now you're almost prepared. Using the same glass as the dishwashing liquid/root beer mix, pour yourself some hot water and sip enough to get that burning sensation on your tongue (no tea allowed!). Grab two ice cubes and place them in your mouth -- ah, the sweet relief. Keep the cubes in your mouth until they've almost completely melted, then crunch away. NOW you're ready.

The cream soda should have filtered by now, leaving a lot of gunk in the filter, and a lot of wet stuff in the glass. Dump the wet stuff, and lick the filter. Congratulations! You have now tasted the best that cream soda has to offer, assuming your taste buds have survived.