Fenchurch M.Mercury

No more dealing with those pesky pounds! Why lug around your own weight in money when you can have a new and interesting form of currency... the paper kind? That's right, if I am elected Mayor of London, you won't have to deal with pounds any longer because you'll have Printed Fish! That's right, each one different and each one worth about $5 US. And that's not all...

For the low low price of choosing me as your Mayor, you get the following:

1. Free housing

2. Free food

3. Free water and electricity

4. Free outings

5. No taxes!

6. Maybe some of that chili Baron mentioned, it sounds really good

All you have to do is click on "vote here" now and choose FMM for mayor (and sign an ambiguous contract that gives her all of your worldly possessions and, in some cases, your soul as she's making a fabulous hammock out of them and hammocks... well, you just can't live without those). So don't waste time, vote today!

Question from press:

How are you going to do all this with your shoddy US'ness?

Fenchurch:
'I choose to plead the fifth... er... there is no fifth is there?

*quickly ducks behind one o' the 'guards who don't laugh' and slips away*

Note: Fenchurch is not responsible for any injury, emotional distress, or financial difficulty due to reading this message, being dumb enough to do what it says, or not moving the hell outta London if she's actually voted... Thank you.

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Marv the Grate

Marv is the man for YOU!

1. He can drink all of your political opponent's under the bargaining table.

2. Absolutely non-partisian.

3. Will work for all public intoxication laws to be upended.

4. Is a friend to all animals grate and small.

5. Has a really cool mug.(that is to say vessel for quaffing).

6. Will never be seen in a compromising position in London.

7. Will never be seen in London at all (will most likely never be seen in all of England, at least until all statute of limitations have expired).

8. Will buy a round for all of London.

9. Will fight to make alcohol studies mandatory parts of school curriculum.

10. Will make the Rambling Misfit's the Official police force for London.

11. Will declare Monday's as the Extended Weekend, making sure that all people have sobered up for the week to come.

12. Will accept bribes in excess of $1,000,000.00 US (for the good of the city of course)

13. Will bribe those I need to grease the wheels of democracy

A computer in every pot.

A chicken on every desk.

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Merkin

I, Merkin offer my services to the good people of London, to be their Mayor, beacon of hope, and general despot.

My main qualifications are:

1. I alliterate, Mayor Merkin, you see, trips off the tongue.

2. I live in London (not necessarily an advantage, but my PR team will be making the most of it)

3. I have no sense of 'moral purpose', 'third wayness', 'Back to Basicsness', or any other moral standpoint

Policies:

1. Compulsary Limerick training for all under 5's

2. Compulsory conversation on the underground (MUCUS)

3. The filling of the Albert Hall with custard

4. Cockney Rhyming slang and Latin to be the official languages of the mayoral office

5. Bombay Duck to be returned to the Indian restaurants of the capital

6. I think that's enough for one term!

Promises:

Don't be silly, I'm a politician

Threats:

If you don't vote for me I'll:

1. Sulk

2. Join my revolutionary brothers and sisters in their struggle against the oppressive illegitimate mayoral system, demanding the formation of a Citizens Collective Council

3. Plant bombs everywhere

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Shorty

I am a man of few words (though a few people will disagree with this) so I will be brief.

As Mayor I will bring a new order to things. My goals are as follows:-

1. Firstly, been sober within the city limits will be illegal. Anyone found in a non-intoxicated state will be arrested and taken to the nearest public house where they will be given enuff alcohol to drop a rhino.

2. Secondley, fish licensing will become mandatory. This is for the protection of fish to make sure that any live fish in your ownership are cared for properley.

3. Thirdly, and this is something close to my heart, a height curfew of 5 feet and 7 inches will be imposed. Anyone found breaking curfew will have the height surgically removed from them so they comply with the new ruling. The person in question can decide whether they want it off their head or feet. Either that or someone can buy me some stilts.

4. Fourthly, Bring back leeches to medicine

This concludes my policy outline.

I am open to bribery and corruption and will do (just about) anything to guarantee your votes

Thankyou!

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Wowbagger

'Any fool can look at the stars... it takes wit to live in the gutter.'

If I am elected I feel it's my duty to:

1. Get rid of cars and equip everyone with rollerskates, thus conserving the environment and making everyone more stylish in the process.

2. For those people travelling in groups, I shall equip them with 'Goodies' style bicycles, complete with Union Jack vest and funny square glasses.

3. Houses shall have 3 taps: one for hot water, one for cold water and one for alcohol.

4. Parliament House shall be knocked down and replaced with a lifesized replica of the Enterprise-D.

5. Cabinet meetings shall be held on the bridge.

6. H2g2 would run quickly and smoothly.

7. The entries of those people who voted for me would be accepted immediately.

8. MadMunk's posse would immediately be elected as Cabinet.

9. Others will pass through a bizzare initiation ritual involving kiwifruit. (why not? MadMunk's posse already have!)

10. Sex for everyone!

I believe in controlled anarchy, very old bourbon and Frank Zappa.

Hurruh!

WB

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