The Ned Of The World As We Know It
Created | Updated Mar 27, 2003
"Good Morning! For those of you who just tuned in that was The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun", chimed Ned's radio alarm clock, as it suddenly clicked into action at 10:30.“Snirk...” moaned Ned as the idea of morning drifted in and tainted his pleasant dreams.“Well, I guess it’s not really morning anymore, but it’s not yet noon. So, when exactly is it?” asked the voice on the radio.“Prenoon?” inquired another voice.“How about aftermorning?” suggested the first.“Alright then, Good aftermoring and a happy prenoon to you all!" Both the DJ’s found this rather funny and joked about it for a couple a minutes.“And what a beautiful aftermorning it is, today we..." FWACK!!! Ned’s hand came crashing down on his alarm clock/radio.“Nerf!” He thought as a tingle of pain crept up his arm. He rolled over in bed.
“Hurk” Said Ned as he rolled wrong way and fell in a contorted mass of sheets, arms, and legs to the floor. He staggered to his feet and kicked away the sheets that clung to his ankles.He made his way out of his room and headed down stairs to the kitchen. Half way down he realized he was not fully awake yet, as he found himself plummeting towards the floor which seemed to have been a lot further away only seconds before.
“Hurk!!” He said again this time with more expression as if he hadn’t quite got the point across the first time. He lay crumpled on the floor for several minutes before deciding whether to get up or just lay there the rest of the day. He thought that maybe things would
be better after his morning cup of tea, so he got up and slunk into the kitchen. He was gravely disappointed to find that he ran out of tea and then remembered that he had read in the paper about a worldwide shortage of tea. How odd. Saddened and dejected he made himself a cup of coffee and then flopped down on the sofa. He proceeded to turn on the television to see if anything good was on.
“Today is going to be a balmy 87 degrees and the sun is shining nicely.”
“Oh, that’s a good bit of news.” Ned said to himself as he turned his head to the window to see if this was really true.
“This just in; the sun just exploded and we have eight minutes until the earth is destroyed.”
“WHAT!?!” Inquired Ned as he rapidly swivelled his head back around to face the T.V., giving himself a bad case of whiplash.
“GAAahhh!” He uttered as he clutched his neck, whereupon he accidentally hit the remote and changed to another station.
“And in local news, the Mayor’s cat was killed this morning. The feline had been missing since last Saturday afternoon until it was found in a near by tree early today. Firemen were immediately called to the scene and proceeded to remove the cat from it’s predicament. They returned the cat over to it’s overjoyed owners and left the residence. As they pulled out of the driveway the cat leapt from the Mayor’s arms and into the path of the fire truck, were it was then..."
“Errg!” Ned fumbled with the remote trying to find the station that he was originally on. Frustrated and with out luck he got up and started going back to his room.
“Never should’ve gotten out of bed in the first place.” He muttered to himself. He threw the remote to the floor and headed to on up the stairs. But the television wasn't about to let him get very far, no Sir. It stated matter-of-factly, “The previous information we gave you about the sun’s explosion was incorrect," and felt rather smug with itself having said that.
“Oh that’s a relief.”
“At the point in which we had received the information the sun had already been exploded for three minutes. So at the time of the broadcast there was only five minutes until the Earth would be destroyed and that was two minutes ago, so we only have two minutes left.”
Distracted by his accidentally finding the correct channel Ned forgot what he was doing and tried turning around in mid-step while trying to go up the stairs also while trying to decide whether "had been exploded for three minutes" was really the proper way to make that statement. Ned wasn't very good at multi-tasking, and it sent him hurdling towards the floor once again, where he collapsed like a wet rag upon reaching the floor.
This time Ned thought better of getting up and decided just to lay there for the remainder of the day.
