Part Nine

Rex Grundy, Australian ambassador to Greece, was very shocked to find

himself in an abandoned tube station in Browborough, England. This was mostly

because only moments earlier he had been in a conference hall in Perth.

To add to his surprise Rex turned round to find an old man sitting up on the

floor shouting at him. 'Not more of you ruddy blighters! What is it today? Is

there a sign out there saying "come and bother the poor old man in his rags"?

I've had enough of it I tell you!'

The Ambassador, still recovering from the shock - loosely holding his black

briefcase (which perfecty matched his suit) in his left hand - had nothing to

say but : ‘What?’

Undeterred the old tramp continued. 'I'll have to start charging soon! How

about £2 a ticket, call it the old git exhibition, I will. Maybe that will get

you all to b****r off!'

'Look, I'm sorry mate, but where am I?' enquired the confused Australian.

This was obviously the wrong thing to say to him. 'You know that question

doesn't get any more interesting the more times people ask me it. Look around

you. See the tracks, the train platform, and the many years worth of dust do

you? Give you any clues.' Before Rex had a chance to reply, the tramp

continued. 'It’s a ruddy abandoned train station, that’s what it

is. What did you think it was? The Taj Mahal? The Eiffel Tower?

'You’re the fifth one today you know! The first was bad enough, though

the last I saw of him was his red T-shirt - with him in it - falling through

the floor not two feet away from you. Now you mention it the other three did

something very similar, except the fourth one kind of just vanished in to thin

air. I suppose you'll be doing something like that will you?'. The Tramp paused

for a moment to wait for a response.

The middle-aged ambassador didn't know what to say other than repeat

himself. ‘What?’

‘Not taking this very well, are you?’ mocked the tramp.

‘No not really mate. I don't have a clue what your going on about

either. Look, two minutes ago I was in a conference in Perth, and now I'm

here.' Rex thought for a moment, while still trying to take it all in. 'Are you

English?’

The tramp burst out in to a fit of hysterics. ‘Am I English? Where do

you think you are? England of course! You're surrounded by millions of

us.’

Rex Grundy took a good look around. What Rex didn't realise was that a few

hours earlier the first man to confront the tramp, Terry Horowitz, had been

standing virtually on the same spot. That was where the connection ended for

Terry and Rex, with the possible exception that a couple of hundred years

earlier one of Rex's ancestors was a cousin with one of Terry's ancestors,

which obviously would create a few other connections, but we shall ignore them

for now.

Thomas Grundy (Rex's ancestor) and Terrance McGuire (Terry's ancestor), had

been very good friends until Thomas decided to steal Terrance's girlfriend,

Judith. Judith was going to run off with Thomas, but unfortunately (for Thomas)

he was wrongfully convicted of stealing a loaf of bread, and was hence

eventually sent to an Australian prison where he later met a wonderful woman

with teeth problems called Beryl. As for Terrance, this was great news.

Judith denounced Thomas, proclaimed her undying love for Terrance and they

were married within the year. The rumours of Terrance tipping off the

authorities about Thomas, and sightings of him looking edgily around the local

bakers only hours earlier did not manage to take the shine off this wonderful

occasion. So it seems incredible that this was the last connection between

these Terry and Rex until now. In a funny sort of way if it hadn't been for

Judith, Terry would now not be alive to walk around in the Callack

organisation’s base to completely confound their members, and Rex would

not be alive to wonder why he was now in an abandoned underground tube station

after only minutes earlier being in his country of origin.

Neither Terry nor Rex were aware of this amazing coincidence, and how

thankful they (particularly Terry) should be for Judith’s

promiscuousness, and the jealousy it caused Terrance. There was also another

story in Rex's family of promiscuousness that had worked out very much for the

worse, involving twelve flower arrangers, a flock of starlings and a

sledgehammer but its relevence to the current story is so minuscule that it is

probably best not mentioned.

What is more relevent is that just as the tramp was about to unleash another

tongue lashing on Rex, a group of men, looking vaguely like soldiers, walked

through the wall to Rex's right.

'Stop!' called a voice from behind the soldiers. The voice belonged to a man

called Norman Hurst, who almost seemed surprised that they listened to him and

actually had stopped.

'Now does this look like a pub to you?' continued Norman.

The dozen or so men looked at each other, and murmured to each other that it

didn't. Norman walked around to the front, as he could not see over the top of

the men. He almost ignored Ambassador Rex Grundy (who was staring at Norman and

the soldiers in a state of shock) and the tramp. Norman addressed the soldiers.

'Look, we’re going to have to turn around and see if our alcoholic

contact has sobered up enough to give us some more idea of where we're supposed

to be going. Okay?' They all grumbled, nodded, and went back through the wall.

Before Norman followed, he seemed to have a nasty thought and grinned in the

direction of Rex. 'I'll be seeing you later.' And then made a dramatic exit.

This was ruined by the tramp. 'Hey you! Don't I know you?'

Norman stopped in his tracks, and turned around towards the tramp. 'I don't

think so,’ he muttered sourly, and went to walk off again for a second

attempt at his exit.

'Norman, isn't it?'

Norman stopped dead. How did this old tramp know him? The tramp continued.

'Yes that’s right, your name is Norman.' The tramp grinned at Norman.

'I'll be seeing you later.'

Norman wasn't going to be upstaged by this man. 'No you won’t,’

he declared, and tried to leave again – although by now his exit was

beginning to look more pathetic than dramatic. In the meantime Rex was just

looking between the two with a completely bewildered look over his face.

'Oh yes you will,' grinned the tramp.

Norman had had enough. 'Oh no I won’t, you annoying old man, and if

you say that again I'll have you killed, got it?'

The tramp just grinned. Norman, with his moment completely ruined, just

walked through the wall grumbling something about how he hated this time.

Rex walked towards the wall to touch it. It was solid. He turned towards the

tramp as if to say something, and fell through the ground.

Two years later Rex would be sitting in a waiting room rocking backwards and

forwards clutching his brief case, with him covered in flour. He would be in

the same waiting room as Terry Horowitz, just before Terry disappeared causing

Norman to look for him in a certain abandoned tube station in Browborough.

The tramp, completely oblivious to this, was quite happy to let life pass

him by. And life was very accommodating in that respect.

The 168th Greatest Story in the Universe - A Tribute (Archive)

Vercingetorix

24.04.03 Front Page

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