WARNING!

Body Building is DANGEROUS. This article features some very gruesome facts and is not for the faint-hearted. If you don't have the guts (pardon the pun) to read on I suggest you take up an easier, safer hobby - like gardening!

Hello and velcome to Dr. Zarkin's guide to zee forgotten art of body
building, (not zee home gym type). Here you vill learn all about zee body and how to build your own slave. But first you must learn the vays of zee body and all zee parts you vill need MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Bits of zee Body

Your body has many, many parts all of which are vital and much needed by the system; here is a qvick run over of them:

• Zee Skin
  
  Zee skin is a huge vater-proof and germ proof cover. It is better than any clothes because it mends itself. It can heat itself up or cool itself down. Zee skin is wrapped round zee body to keep all zee bits in.
• Zee Fat
  
  Zee fat is found just under zee skin and is used for qvick energy. It
  collects and vobbles around the stomach and zee hips. It keeps out zee cold and is vere all zee sugar goes.
• Zee Eyeballs, Ears and Nose
  
  Zees are zee bits zat do zee seeing, hearing and smelling. Zees pick up zee images, noises and sounds and change zem to signals zee brain can
  understand.
• Zee Nervous System
  
  Zis is zee body's signalling system. Zey let zee brain know vats going on and take its signals to zee rest of zee body. It goes from the tips of your feet to zee top of your head.
• Zee Skeleton
  
  Zee skeleton is vat stops the body falling around like a big lump of jelly. Zere are 206 bones in zee skeleton and zey must be put in zee right order.
• Zee Brain
  
  Zee brain is zee boss of zee body and it sits inside zee skull away from any danger. It is very important as it keeps zee body in order. It does all zee thinking and collects all zee memories.
• Zee Lungs
  
  Zee lungs are a foamy set of bellows inside your chest and zey can hold up to 6 litres of air. Zey get the oxygen to zee blood to keep zee body alive.
• Zee Kidneys
  
  Zee kidneys filter zee blood and take zee waste away from it. Zee body has 2, one on zee left and one on zee right.
• Zee Blood
  
  Zee blood is the body's transport system. It is made of red cells, vich
  carry oxygen, white cells, to kill infections and plasma, vich holds it all together. It is mainly for getting oxygen around zee body. Zee body needs about 5 ½ litres of zee red stuff.
• Zee Heart
  
  Zee heart is zee muscle zat pumps zee blood around zee body. It is found on zee right hand side of zee chest. Zee left hand side of it pumps round zee body, zee other side only does zee lungs.
• Zee Muscles
  
  Everyone has zee muscles and everyone has hundreds of zem even if zey are not big and bulgy. Zey need to be put in zee right places. You need 200 just to valk.
• Zee Teeth
  
  Zees are the hardest parts of the body and are used for cutting up and
  crushing your food. Zee teeth are found in zee mouth and need to be put in zee right positions.
• Zee Stomach
  
  Zis is a squelchy bag of muscle filled with acid, it is vere all zee food goes and is vital for digestion.
• Zee Liver
  
  Zee liver is a purplish blob and is zee body's chemical factory. It does
  over 500 jobs and is found just over the guts and under the diaphragm.

Zere are a few more so you vill need to get yourself one of those science posters vich show you zee body and vere all zee bits go.

Now you know zee bits of the body you vill need to get hold of zem. This means buying zem or stealing zem, stealing is zee best vay. Here is how you do it.

1. Vait until dark
2. Go to a graveyard and locate a good grave
3. Keep an eye out for other people
4. Dig zee body out
5. Cut it up and hide zee bits in you coat
6. Take zee body bits back to your place of working ie lab/kitchen/bedroom and prepare zem for zee construction

Putting it together

Now you have all zee bits you need to take zem out and separate zem into zere elements. Then, using your science poster and zee above-mentioned locations, construct zee body. When you have finished give it a qvick burst of electricity to bring it to life. You now have zee slave you yearned for.

Treat it vell and use it properly, if you're human it should look like you.

You could try making different models or using extra parts to create your own variation.

Have fun vith your own monster.

NB Don't try this without supervision from a qualified evil scientist. Also don't try this on any other people.

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