The Dark Lord Rational was gathering momentum in his campaign of seriousness. He had enlisted the aid of several media agencies by persuading them that live
news feeds of sombre events around the clock were not only necessary to keep the public informed but that they would boost the ratings as well. The Dark Lord's sidekick, Dr S Ane,
was doing his best to convince his patients that the only road to feeling better was to learn how to not feel anything at all. Other dark forces were afoot as well.

In a small, quiet town, it was the eleventh hour. A decision had to be made. The committee in charge was about to present their plan at the town meeting. Suddenly, a door opened
at the back of the town hall. Someone crept quietly along the side aisle.

The leader of the committee stood up. He walked across the stage to the microphone. He opened his mouth, intending to elaborate on the very detailed plan. All that came out were
indecisive murmurings and denials.

'Um, whatever. I never said we'd fix the problem. What do you mean, you want an answer?'

Another member of the committee ran to the microphone and attempted to save the presentation. 'We have a plan. You know, it's all plan-like and all.'

She was stunned. That wasn't what she meant to say. No clear or coherent answer would come out of anyone on the committee. Captain Vague had struck again. The Sub-Atomic
Vagueness Ray had been used to prevent a major issue from being solved by emitting tiny waves of vagueness that completely blocked any kind of useful answer from being conveyed
by anyone in charge.

'Whatever shall we do?!' screamed the residents of the town.

'Call Superman!' yelled someone in the back.

'His rates are too high,' answered the mayor.

'Who can we afford?' asked a nervous-looking man in the front.

'Dotty the circus clown works for peanuts. He even makes balloon animals,' suggested a woman in crowd.

'Too expensive,' was the answer from the mayor.

'The Caped Confuzzler says he works for cookies,' offered the assistant mayor while looking through the phone book.

'That we can afford,' answered the mayor.

A phone call was made. The Caped Confuzzler arrived in a flounce. The situation was explained. After dark, the Caped Confuzzler searched the city, listening intently for
vagueness and indecision.

'What's up?'

'Y'know'

'A'ight'

'Y'eat?'

'Sorta'

'S'alright'

This must be the place. I have never heard anything less coherent in my life, thought the Caped Confuzzler. So he quietly crept around the back of the building. Through an
open doorway, he saw what might be a super-villain, assuming that super-villains still wear black gloves and masks.

'Captain Vague, I presume?'

'Who are you?'

'The Caped Confuzzler, of course.'

'Right... of course. That will be the last straight answer you ever utter.'

Before Captain Vague could move, the Caped Confuzzler threw a bucket of confuzzlement powder through the open doorway. When the confuzzlement met the cloud of vagueness,
two negatives became a positive, which blew up the Sub-Atomic Vagueness Ray. From then on, the whole town could decisively solve problems without outside help.

The next morning, Keith, John and Paul were gathered at Keith's house. A few laps through the television stations yielded nothing worth watching. They had to resort to another,
rarely-used means of amusement: conversation.

'Paul, there is something that I have been wondering about, if you don't mind,' said Keith with a hint of curiosity.

'What's that?' Paul looked up from the television listings to face Keith.

'What was your costume at the party last week?' asked Keith.

'I have been wondering that myself,' added John.

'An Earthling, of course.'

'Oh, how original,' said John, with a look of confusion on his face.

'Well, it is if you are not from Earth.'

'What?!' exclaimed the other two young men in unison.

'I am from a distant planet, Confuzzle. My mission was to follow a meteor to make sure that it didn't cause any harm,' explained Paul as he removed a chain from underneath his shirt.
On the chain was a small, metal, egg-shaped pendant. Paul began to unscrew the top and bottom halves. 'This is a type of stone that we have only found on our home planet. It has a
profound effect on anyone who is exposed to it. As far as we can tell, the effects are temporary and vary depending on amount of exposure. To a native of Confuzzle, it helps us stay
open-minded and keeps us immune to negativity. To other species, it may cause complete disorientation and giddiness, especially in large quantities and a lengthened exposure.'

At this point, Paul opened the pendant to reveal a small, bright green stone. He took the stone out of the case and passed it to Keith. The stone felt surprisingly soft
and friendly to Keith. John was feeling more confused by the minute. Paul quickly put the stone back into the pendant, closed the pendant and replaced the chain under his shirt.

Keith thought about what Paul had just revealed. He looked over at John, who still seemed a bit dazed. Then he looked back at Paul with a questioning expression on his face.

'Why did it effect John that much and not me?' Keith asked Paul.

'You have grown somewhat bit immune to it after being exposed to a minute amount constantly over the last few months. You see, those green flecks in your eyes are bits of the
meteor I was chasing. The mineral is soft and won't interfere with your vision. In fact, it has some curative properties,' explained Paul.

'Oh, well, that's ok, then,' said Keith with a shrug and a raised eyebrow.

'How long did it take for the initial silliness to wear off?' asked Paul with interest.

'Initial silliness? I didn't notice anything unusual, other than a bit of dust in my eyes.'

'That's because you've been silly since birth,' teased John.

The Caped Confuzzler Archive

Evangeline and
Cal Fortuneswell

01.06.06 Front Page

Back Issue Page