Attack of the Weasels
Created | Updated Nov 18, 2003
It was a dark and gloomy night, or at least it seemed that way because A: the lights weren;t on, B: the setting on the fog machine was gloom and C: the script says its a dark and gloomy night. Any ways, two figures walked in the mists; one was caped, and the other was scarved.
Caped figure: Where are we?
Scarved figure: Don;t be a fool woman! We;re here!
Caped figure: That;s very helpful, Super Bufanda, do you know, specifically, where we are?
Super Bufanda: Well, Super Jinkies, if you would adjust your wide-brimmed hat you;d see we're in the
exposition.
Super Jinkies: (adjusts hat) Of course! I'd recognize it anywhere!
Super Bufanda: Except back there.
Super Jinkies: Well, yeah, I didn;t back there, but trust me this is definitely the exposition.
The two figures walk through the mists and darkness quietly waiting for the exposition to end, which will be just about now.
Strange man: (jumps out of the mists) Rar, I'm going to defeat you!
Super Bufanda: ( Semi-,well not really all that, worried) Look, Super Jinkies, a strange man dressed as a weasel or an otter or something has initiated the initial action.
Strange: ( man Angrily waving fists) I;m not a weasel! I;m the Masked Ermine!
Conspicuous lack of incidental music
Super Jinkies: ( Horror struck) The Masked Ermine! Is there no mercy or humanity!? (nudges Super Bufanda) Who;s the Masked Ermine?
Super Bufanda: ( clearing his voice) I;ve no idea.
Super Bufanda begins to walk away.
Masked Ermine: Hey, I;m a not so famous, mediocre villain ready to reek havoc on the world. (Needlingly) I;m masked.
Super Bufanda: ( Super Bufanda stops dead in his tracks and enters soliloquy mode) We have to stop him. He is a villain, and no matter how uninteresting the character; we have to stop him. I mean for crying out loud; he took the time to get masked.
Super Bufanda turns around, but no one is there.
Super Bufanda: Hello, hello?
Super Jinkies Walks out of the mists holding a hot dog) Sorry, while you were soliloquizing I decided to go for some food.
Super Bufanda: ( annoyed) First of all, did you get any for me?
Super Jinkies: (Munching on the hot dog) Um, no, I took the last one.
Super Bufanda: Oh, turnips. Well, do you know where the Masked Ermine went?
Super Jinkies: Not really. (looks about and notices a furtive guy off stage) Let's ask that furtive guy over there, off stage.
They walk over to a guy in a trench coat. Suddenly the dark and gloomy scene turns into a scene of sunshine and children laughing. Our two heroes are surprised.
Super Jinkies: That;s a bit odd, isn;t it?
Super Bufanda: Naw, you should;ve seen the scene effects disaster of ;86.
Furtive man: (from now on to be known as F.M. {Also speaks in extreme distress}) The agony and horror! Ahhh!
Super Jinkies: What agony and horror?
F.M.: The disaster of ;86.
Super Jinkies: I see.
Super Bufanda: Where;s the Masked Ermine?
F.M.: I don;t know, ask the narrator, I;m just an anonymous extra they got off the street.
Super Jinkies: Where is the Masked Ermine?
(He;s in his secret lair in Canada.)
Super Jinkies: Thanks.
(No problem.)
The Masked Ermine runs into the scene.
Masked Ermine: That;s not fair; the narrator can;t interfere!
(Yes I can. I;m the narrator; I can do anything I want. Aren;t you supposed to be in Canada?)
The Masked Ermine disappears in a puff of smoke.
Super Bufanda: Off to Canada! (He flies off)
Super Jinkies: We can fly?
F.M.: Evidently.
Super Jinkies follows Super Bufanda.
*****
Masked Ermine: (Overlooking his troops) My ferret minions, our time has come.
One of the ferret minions: (raises his hand) Excuse me, I;d like to clarify that we;re men in suits, and not actual, intelligent ferrets.
The Masked Ermine Harumphs, raises a strange looking paintball gun and pulls the trigger. A pink ball strikes the man in the ferret suit and he turns into a mink coat, which I, the narrator, can;t even explain considering ferrets aren't minks.
Masked Ermine: Are there any other clarifications?
Ferret clad minions: No, Masked Ermine.
Masked Ermine: Good, now it;s time to unveil my plan to make things thoroughly unpleasant.
Throaty announcer voice: But first it;s time for the totally pointless and utterly absurd shower scene that doesn;t move the plot along at all, but also has not been deemed obscene by the FCC.
The shower scene plays and replays for eight hours.
The ferret clad minions are in a drooling daze.
Masked Ermine: (blinking) R-r-r-right, well, um, I seem to have forgotten what we were doing.
Ferret clad minion: (raises hand) I feel violated.
Suddenly the ceiling is ripped open.
Super Bufanda: Ha-ha that eight hour shower scene has given us enough time to find your secret lair.
Super Jinkies: It was a diversionary tactic? I thought it was only suppose to raise our ratings with 12-48 year old males.
Super Bufanda looks disapprovingly at her.
Super Bufanda: (pointing a thoroughly disapproving finger at the Masked Ermine) What is your plan?
Super Jinkies: (looking urgent) Please hurry I think I can hear the throaty announcer's voice coming back!
Masked Ermine: (talking fast) I will steal all of the mink coats in the world; replacing them with cheap, useless ferret coats. I will then hold the coats hostage in return for a dimensionally transcendental time machine so I can become an above average villain. Mwuhahahahahaha!!!!
Super Bufanda: (in awe struck horror) It;s just insanely complex enough to work!
Super Jinkies: (shocked) You really think so?
Super Bufanda: No, not really. I;m just adding suspense.
Masked Ermine: Ferret minions attack!
Super Jinkies: Look at all the ferrets!
Super Bufanda: They;re not real ferrets. They;re just men in ferret suits.
Again lack of incidental or combat music.
Super Bufanda unwraps his scarf and ties up a large group of ferret clad people. Super Jinkies X-ray beams another group of ferret men ( bringing out the fire brigade to douse some unexpecting extras). The Masked Ermine looks in fear as his men dressed in ferret suits are beaten back by the super heroes. He escapes out a convenient back door.
Super Bufanda: He;s getting away!
Suddenly, because the plot needs it, Super Jinkies is imbued with special knowledge.
Super Jinkies: All the doors are booby trapped. (she smiles)
Super Bufanda: How did you find that out?
Super Jinkies: I don;t know; I guess I was suddenly imbued with special plot necessitating information.
Super Bufanda: Oh.
They try a door anyway. The endeavor is met with several, exploding weasels.
Super Jinkies: This is definitely a most insidious booby trap, in fact, this booby trap is probably one of the most boobiest, booby traps I've ever been booby trapped in.
Super Bufanda glares at her.
Super Jinkies: I like to say booby.
Super Bufanda: I noticed.
(How will our heroes get out of this one? Is this truly the boobiest booby trap that they have been booby trapped in?)
The heroes glare at the narrator whose out of the scene.
(What? Booby is fun to say. Oh, cheese it, look at the time, um, oh yeah, find out if they escape in our next riveting episode.)
****
In our last rip-roaring episode we left our heroes in the booby trap set up by the Masked Ermine. This boobiest of booby traps consisted of exploding weasels. Other stuff happened too, but they're only important if you an insane fan, so here's the continuation.
Super Jinkies: Boobies, boobies, boobies, boo....
Super Bufanda: Stop saying boobies.
He smiles
Super Bufanda: Boobies, boobies, booooobeeees. That is fun to say
Super Jinkies: Told yah!
A group of weasels explode.
Super Jinkies: Let;s go through the door!
Super Bufanda: But it;s locked!
Super Jinkies: (shakes head) No, it;s not; it;s just booby trapped!
They go through the door leaving the perils of the exploding weasels behind them. They search the complex, looking for the Masked Ermine, but don;t find him.
Super Bufanda: Where is he?
Super Jinkies: I don;t know. Let;s ask that furtive guy off screen that looks a lot like the furtive guy from the last episode, but is, in fact, some one totally different.
Furtive man: No, I;m the same guy.
Super Jinkies: That;s what you;d like us to think, because you're an agent of the Masked Ermine.
Da, Da, Da!
Furtive man: What was that?
Super Bufanda: Stunning but obvious incidental music.
F.M. : I thought the sound union was on strike.
Super Bufanda: I guess it;s over.
Super Jinkies: It is! (Hooks her elbow around F.M.;s elbow and begins to dance)%Happy days are here again La, La, La La....%
( Ahem. Can we please get back to the regularly scheduled plot line?)
F.M. removes himself from Super Jinkies.
Super Jinkies: (still dancing) %Dee, Dee Dee,Duh Doo.%
(Ahem!)
Super Jinkies: Oh, sorry (stops dancing). Where were we?
Super Bufanda: You were implicating the furtive guy of being the Masked Ermine;s cohort.
Super Jinkies: Oh right! (gets into character and points an unpleasant finger at the furtive guy.) Because you're an agent of the Masked Ermine!
Da, Da, Da...(drum roll and loads of incidental extras)
F.M. : No, I;m not.
Super Jinkies: Yes, you are!
F.M.: No, I;m not
Super Jinkies: Are to!
F.M.: Aren;t!
Super Jinkies: Are!
Both: Aren;t! Are! Aren;t! Are!
Super Bufanda: Stop!!!
Super Jinkies: Are you sure you;re not an agent of the Masked Ermine?
F.M.: Yes, I;m sure!
Super Jinkies: Then why are you always in the very next scene, and then why do we find out where he is when we;re with you? Answer that will you?
F.M.: Because you always walk over here, and because I;m a simple plot device.
Super Jinkies: Oh, well that's it for me, do you have any questions, Super Bufanda?
Super Bufanda: Where;s the Masked Ermine?
F.M.: He's at Theodore Richbottom;s house, where he;s receiving his ransom!
Super Jinkies: Holy almost at a plot twist, Super Bufanda, we;ve gotta get there.
Super Bufanda: (striking an Adam West-like contemplative pose) Of course we do. (walks in a circle) But how?
F.M.: Why don;t you fly there?
Super Jinkies: You know, for being furtive he;s pretty quick.
Super Bufanda: Yes, he is. Well, let;s go.
They fly off.
*****
The Masked Ermine is standing in front of Louie Andersen; playing Theodore Richbottom.
Masked Ermine: Hand it over or I;ll destroy every luxury mink coat in the world. Mwuhahahah!
Theodore Richbottom: (to be known as T.R.) Here it is, take it; take it. (He throws a water gun duct taped to a coffee can with a flashlight inside it.)
Masked Ermine: What;s this. It doesn;t look like a dimensionally transcendental time machine.
T.R.: it;s an internarrative portal maker. It will let you travel to other plot lines and stories!
Suddenly four figures dive out of the sky. Super Jinkies, Super
Bufanda, a winged man with a goose beak and a man in spandex and a cape with a 'P'; written on his suit.
Super Jinkies: Look it;s Louie Andersen. I didn;t know we booked him! Do we get paid the same?
Super Bufanda: No, he doesn;t get paid like us. He gets paid in pastries and we get paid in currency.
Super Jinkies: That;s not fair, I want to be paid in pastries.
Masked Ermine: Ahem!
Super Jinkies: That;s the second time I;ve been ahemmed.
Super Bufanda: Third time.
Super Jinkies: Huh?
Super Bufanda: It;s the third time you;ve been ahemmed
T.R.: (in Louie Andersen voice) Excuse me.
Super Jinkies: Stuff it Andersen! Can;t you see we;re busy working out the continuity!
Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies continue to argue about the continuity while the others flounder the plot along.
Masked Ermine: Who are you? (Points at the spandex wearer and the winged person)
Winged person: I;m Gooseman.
Spandex wearer: And I;m Captain Phenomenal, later to be known as C.P. because Captain Phenomenal is far too much to write more than four times.
Masked Ermine: What are you doing here?
C.P. + Gooseman: We have no idea, because we;ll be discarded when you escape through the internarrative portal.
There;s dialogue gap as the distinct lack of two characters becomes apparent.
Super Jinkies: (yelling) I could swear I;ve only been ahemmed once!
Super Bufanda: You mean twice.
Super Jinkies: What!?
Super Bufanda: Never mind.
They turn around to see T.R., Gooseman, and C.P. on their stage mark trying to hold a look of aghastment and surprise.
Super Bufanda: Where;s the Masked Ermine?
C.P.: He jumped through the internarrative portal and hour ago!
Super Jinkies: We;ve got to follow him! Hurry, get a coffee can; Richbottom, waddle up to your mansion and get a super soaker and a mag-lite!
Gooseman rushes to the coffee station off stage. There;s a new coffee can, but it's one that you need to open with a can opener.
Gooseman: Does anyone have a can opener?
Everyone: No!
Super Bufanda: I;d give my kingdom for a horse-shaped can opener.
Super Jinkies: I didn;t know you had a kingdom.
Super Bufanda: It;s a long story that;ll come out mid-series.
There;s a freeze frame. (Will someone find a can opener in time, will our two heroes catch the unpleasant Masked Ermine. Find out in our next, padding-filled episode.)
Theme music and credits begin
***
The last time we saw our heroes; they were searching for a can opener to assist them in building an internarrative portal maker.
Super Bufanda: Oh drat! We forgot the duct tape!
Gooseman: I;ve got the duct tape.
Super Jinkies: I wonder what this tab on the top of the coffee can is?
C.P.: I thought the narrator said the can needed a can opener.
(I guess I was wrong. I can be wrong, can;t I!)
T.R.: You are the narrator, you shouldn;t be wrong!
(Andersen stop the whining, and shove another pastry in your mouth.)
Super Jinkies opens the can, pours the coffee into a filter and duct tapes the internarrative portal maker into existence.
Super Jinkies: Make us some coffee we;ll be back for the dénouement. (Pumps the super soaker's pressure gauge and pulls the trigger.)
The flashlight lights the interior of the coffee can, which is reflected outwards. The light hits a plaster wall where a circle of the wall slides away. Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies jumps through the hole.
There is noticeable use of CGI and green wall to show the internarrative vortex. Super Bufanda and Jinkies do some tumbling action and then the scene cuts off to show a very bright set with Rubbermaid walls with a hole in it. The two super heroes fall through the hole and tumble across the hall.
When they get up; they are faced with flashlights attached to elaborate water rifles.
Super Jinkies: (adjusts hat) Hello, how are you?
One of the gun wielders: Shut up, or we;ll Fazer you!
Super Jinkies: Where are we?
Super Bufanda: By just going on the obvious misspelling of phaser and the cheap looks of the sets; I;d say we;re in a cheap rip-off of Star Trek.
Super Jinkies: Oh, so we can consider this hostile territory?
Super Bufanda: In a word, yes
Super Jinkies: That took four words.
Super Bufanda: Still burned about that ahem thing, right?
(Odd voice): Super Jinkies nods
(Who are you?)
[I;m the Star Trekesque narrator]
(Well, I can handle this!)
[Are you sure?]
(Yes!)
[Fine]
One of the gun wielders: I;m Lieutenant Carlson are you Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies?
Super Heroes: Yes.
Carlson: You;re under arrest!
Super Jinkies: Darn it, my first internarrative trip and we;ll spend the whole time in a jail.
Carlson: You two, take them to the brig!
Two of the men take the super heroes away.
Super Bufanda: So you guys are interstellar travelers. Wha-what;s that like?
One of the men: It;s ok, I mean the pay;s ok, but there's usually a weekly crisis which usually deals with a monster of some sort.
Super Jinkies: Talking about crisises have you met a man named the Masked Ermine?
One of the men: No, but a man came here by the name of Dr. Fisher.
Super Bufanda: Hmm, where is he?
Guys lower their guns to contemplate.
Super Bufanda: Now!
The two super heroes spin around and punch their captors in the face, and then they run down the corridors. They went up one hall, and then down another.
Super Jinkies: I;m getting a little tired. Do we have to continue running?
Super Bufanda: Yes, this is the padded part of the story.
Super Jinkies: Where are we going?
Super Bufanda: To the engineering room!
Super Jinkies: Why?
Super Bufanda: (Stopping to explain) In these Star Trek rip-offs all the important people that need to be found are in the engineering room.
Carlson: Hey stop or I;ll shoot!
[He levels his gun to fire]
(I thought I told you; I;ll be doing the Narrating!)
[Fine]
(He levels his gun at the heroes. Bzzap. X-ray beams shoot out of Super Jinkies eyes and hit Carlson;s trigger hand. He drops the gun. Carlson gurns and gurgles in an over the top fashion as he falls to his knees holding his hand.)
Super Bufanda: First of all, I;d just like to say that I thought your sound effect was very neat, secondly I;d like to ask; did you have to hurt him so bad?
Super Jinkies: I didn;t, he;s just a big, wimpy, scene stealing, Trek-star wannabe.
Carlson: She;s right; I;m just gurning for attention! (taps cheap-looking badge) Security to deck, ah, hey, what deck is this?
Super Bufanda: I think it;s seventeen.
Carlson: Get that?
Security officer: Yeah.
Super Jinkies: We should run.
Super Bufanda: Yes, we should.
Super Jinkies: Scooby Dooishly?
Super Bufanda: Why not, it will break up the monotony.
The two heroes run in place for a minute, before rushing forward, Scooby Doo chase music begins.
Super Jinkies: How are we going to get to the engineering room? We don;t even know where it is.
Passes a sign that reads, "Engineering room three doors down second door on the left."
Super Jinkies: It;s that sort of blatantly helpful irony that really makes me feel stupid.
Super Bufanda: Now that we know where it is; we can just run and take in the chase music.
*****
Person in Stellar fleet uniform: Here;s the last component of an obvious weapon, that we;ve yet to identify as a weapon, Dr. Fisher.
Dr. Fisher: Thank you, ensign.
Installs the part
Dr. Fisher: I;ve finished, Mwuhahahahah!!
Ensign: Wait a second; you;re a villain, aren;t you?
Dr. Fisher: Let me guess, the laugh?
Ensign: It was a bit obvious.
Dr. Fisher: Drat my maniacal Mwuhahas. (Turns to the ensign) Never mind, I;ll kill you and blame it on the weekly Star Trekesque crisis. (He grabs a knife duct taped to a mini-flashlight)
The ensign screams as the shadow of the two characters are shown to escape the gore traps of some stories. Super Bufanda and Jinkies run into the room Dr. Fisher has his back to them. He turns slowly and suspensefully.
Super Jinkies: Holy Doppelganger, Super Bufanda!
Super Bufanda: That;s no doppelganger, my female liege.
Everyone looks quizzically at Super Bufanda.
Super Bufanda: (smiles sheepishly and shrugs his shoulders) I just say what they tell me to say
Super Jinkies: Fine, but who is this guy?
Super Bufanda: (rolls his eyes) It;s the Masked Ermine.
Da, Da, Dah Dah!! (Violins and trumpets play menacingly)
Dr. Fisher: That is good incidental music.
Super Bufanda: It;s not Oscar or Grammy winning, but it's ok.
Super Jinkies: (nudges Super Bufanda) Psst, when does Dr. Fisher;s name turn back to Masked Ermine.
Super Bufanda: Right about, wait for it, now!
Masked Ermine: I;m finishing you off right now!
Super Jinkies: (talking to Super Bufanda) Ooh, you;re good.
Super Bufanda: (Raises hands and smiles) It;s a gift.
Masked Ermine: (Who;s been ranting since his last line, but whose lines were considered too serious for this plot line and were thusly deleted, is now revealing his work) They are two mechanoid versions of, yes, in my fiendish fiendishness I;ve created them in full life-size accurateness, Dora the Explorer and Barney the Dinosaur!
The two robots get up. One is a seven- foot tall, seemingly plush, type of a purple, smiling Tyrannosaurus Rex. The other was a four-foot tall representation of a kindergarten age, Mexican child.
Masked Ermine: Mwuhahahahaha. (Gasp) Mwuhahahahah. (Coughs) Mwuhack hack hack. Dorabot, Barneybot, playschool them!
Super Jinkies: I don;t suppose we could just change the channel?
Super Bufanda: (mustering the courage needed to face the horror facing him) You;re sick, Masked Ermine!
Masked Ermine: Not sick enough to watch you get crushed.
He grabs his internarrative portal maker. He pulls the trigger and a CGI vortex opens and he jumps through it.
Dorabot: Do you see the two super heroes we;re going to get?
Twelve minutes pass without an answer, which isn;t unusual for Dora because her show doesn;t have the audience;s answers dubbed into the show, which is a distinct annoyance to any of the adult spectators of the show.
Super Jinkies: (weeping because of the extremely long, unnatural silence is driving her insane.) For crying out loud; someone, have mercy on my soul, answer her, please! (Sob) Please, someone.
Dorabot: Muy bien. You;re right, they;re right there.
Super Bufanda: (baffled) What the heck?
Super Jinkies: (still sobbing) Oh my God, she responds to answers that aren;t there. Is there no mercy!?
Barneybot: % I love you, you love me. We;re going to crush you like a pea. With a great, big hug and crushed vertebrae from me to you, won;t you say you love me, too? %
Super Bufanda: (snaps) Ok, ok, I;ll confess; I took the last cookie from the cookie jar! (Sobbing)
The robots advance on the weeping forms. Dorabot opens her backpack to reveal a robomap.
Dorabot’s Map: % I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, (Infliction with a pitch upswing) I;m the map! %
Barneybot: (laughing silly) That's super dee dooper!
Super Jinkies: (hysterical) I-I-I can;t f-f-feel my brains!
Super Bufanda: (rocking in a fetal position and drooling) I;m a good boy, yeah, I know. I;ll bake some more cookies and fill the cookie jar, and then the problem will be allll gone! (Smiles and does a little kid;s scared laugh)
Our heroes are in real trouble now! Can they escape the preschool bots? I mean, even I, the narrator, can barely survive the mind numbing that;s going on!
Barneybot: % Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere%.
Arrgh, please cut to the ending credits. Hurry! I can;t stand it anymore!
(resoluting drumrolls play as they cut to closing title sequence.)
***
When we last saw our heroes; they were in the dangerous predicament of fighting off playschool robots.
(Drumming melodramatic music)
The two robots lumber forward towards our heroes.
Super Bufanda: (pulling himself together) Super Jinkies we must do something! We can;t let the Masked Ermine win like this!
Super Jinkies: (sniffling) What can we do? Our shield of light humor has been swept away by the dire incidental music and the maniacal irony of being murdered by playschool, television characters.
Super Bufanda: (unsure) I don;t know. We;ll have to fall back and regroup.
The two super heroes scramble out into the corridor. Super Bufanda unwraps his scarf and steps to the opposite side of the doorway from Super Jinkie.
Super Bufanda: (tosses one end of his scarf to Super Jinkies) Take it, I;ll hold one end and you the other end, when I say, now, you pull it taught.
Super Jinkies: (nods and wipes her eyes) I hope this works.
Barneybot: I can;t wait to play with our new friends.
Super Bufanda: Now!!!
Super Jinkies pulls the scarf taught.
Barneybot: Woh, Woh, Ahh. (Falls face first. He waves his short arms uselessly, trying to push himself up.)
Dorabot: What have they done?
Unnatural silence, because there's no answer.
Dorabot: Muy bien. You;re right they tripped Barneybot.
Super Jinkies: (turning insane annoyance to fury) I;ll teach you to respond to nonexistent answers. (Bzzap. She X-ray beams Dorabot, but to no effect.)
Dorabot: (frowning) Swiper no swiping. (Her eyes glow red and blasts Super Jinkies)
Super Jinkies: Oh sure, you just trip your;s, but mine fights back.
Dorabot helps Barneybot up to his feet. A compartment opens on Barneybot's chest revealing a bag.
Barneybot: I wonder what;s in the Barney bag today? (Pulls out two, high-energy, laser guns.)
Dorabot: Let;s play target practice.
Super Bufanda: So much for plan A. It's time for plan B.
Super Jinkies: Which is?
Super Bufanda: (turning and hovering tentatively away) Make a run for it!
Both super heroes fly off, but the androids increase their speed.
Super Jinkies: (looking back) Plan B isn;t working.
Laser pulses fly by
Super Bufanda: Then we upstage to plan C.
Super Jinkies: You;re full of plans today, so what;s plan C?
Super Bufanda: Run faster!!
Super Jinkies: How ingenious.
Super Bufanda: I thought so.
The two heroes pick up the pace, but are still assaulted by the lasers.
Super Bufanda: If only we knew some one with access to a small army of well-armed security officers, we could get out of this.
Super Jinkies: (pointing up ahead) Look, it;s Carlson with a small army of well-armed security officers.
The two heroes fly behind Carlson, cowering.
Super Bufanda: Hurry, destroy them!
Carlson: Why?
Super Jinkies: Because they;re mercilessly malicious, maniacal mechanoids. The one that looks like a girl releases unholy dialogue gaps into the universe and the other has driven adults insane for almost a decade!
Carlson: (horrified) They;re, they;re inhumane. What kind of horrible person would create them?
Super Bufanda: Dr. Fisher AKA the Masked Ermine!
Da, Da, Da!!!
Carlson: Men, target those blasphemies of children;s educational television
The men form up and blast the heads off the robots, but the androids continue to advance.
Super Bufanda: (pointing) Look, obviously obvious battery packs on their backs!
The super heroes fly up and around the headless robots and yank out the batteries.
Super Jinkies: (throwing the batteries on the ground and blasting them with her X-ray laser vision.) That's for adults everywhere!
The security officers raise their guns and cheer. Super Bufanda gets out the internarrative portal maker, pumps the pressure gauge and pulls the trigger. A CGI vortex forms and the heroes jump through it.
More internarrative vortex special effects and tumbling action by the heroes, and there is a scene jump.
They land on a dark set with flashes of lightning. A blue beam is shot past them, hits a tree and turns into a mink coat, and again, as the narrator, I am baffled.
Super Bufanda: The Masked Ermine! Quickly let;s hide behind this obviously placed, blue, police box.
As they cower behind the police box a man in a white jacket and wearing a Panama hat opens the door.
Super Jinkies: (surprised and star-struck) Oh my goodness, Super Bufanda, do you know who this is?
Super Bufanda: (in smug noncultishness) No, who is it?
Super Jinkies: It;s the Doctor!
Doctor: Hello, who;s the strange, masked guy in the otter suit?
Masked Ermine: (furiously) I;m an ermine, not a weasel or otter or badger or wolverine or any of the other weasel allies!
Super Jinkies: You mean you;re not a civet or skunk either?
Masked Ermine roars angrily and fires a barrage of mink coat beams
Doctor: (looking at Super Bufanda) I used to know a guy who wore the same style of scarf as you do, but he fell off a radio telescope tower.
Super Bufanda: (seeing the Doctor;s umbrella) May I borrow this? I think I have an idea.
He opens the umbrella, and walks toward the Masked Ermine, who continues to fire on him, but the firepower bounces harmlessly off the umbrella.
Super Bufanda: Thank you, inorganic, synthetic plastic, umbrella canvas. Super Jinkies stay behind the umbrella, and follow me.
Super Jinkies: Why isn;t the umbrella a mink coat?
Doctor: (explaining tone) The beam only effects organic material and the simulated plastic isn't organic.
The Masked Ermine jumps over the super heroes and grabs the Doctor.
Masked Ermine: Take me in your TARDIS and through the internarrative portal, to my original plot line.
The Masked Ermine opens the portal and ushers the Doctor into the TARDIS, which groans and wheezes and finally disappears.
Super Bufanda: Hurry, through the portal!
They jump through the portal.
*****
Theodore Richbottom: Yay, I;m back in the plot line.
Gooseman: (philosophically) We;ve come full circle.
The portal opens with the added wheezing and groaning and a blue police box appears.
The Doctor;s ushered out and is followed by the Masked Ermine.
Doctor: That;s a good quote from an acceptable story
Masked Ermine: Quiet you! I;m going to be more than an above average villain; I;m going to be a super villain! Mwuhahahahaha!!
The Doctor steps to the right, and raises an eyebrow.
Captain Phenomenal: (talking to Masked Ermine) I wouldn;t aim too high, in your career choice
Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies come flying out of the portal hit the TARDIS prop, which falls over on top of the Masked Ermine.
Masked Ermine: Owww!
Captain Phenomenal: (talking to Masked Ermine) I told you not to aim too high.
Super Jinkies: That was kind of painful on the face.
Masked Ermine: That was kind of painful on my back.
Furtive guy: What do we do now?
Super Bufanda: I don;t know; usually the villain gets away in the nick of time.
Doctor: I suggest you handcuff him and take him to jail.
Super Bufanda unwraps his scarf. The others lift the prop up and Super Bufanda ties the scarf around the Masked Ermine's hands, and drags him to jail, and then returns.
Doctor: Bye. (Enters the TARDIS and it disappears through the CGI portal)
Theodore Richbottom: Look I;ve got a rich bottom.
Super Jinkies: That;s not funny!
Super Bufanda: No, but this is!
An anvil inexplicably falls on Richbottom. Everyone laughs in a clichéd, end of an action-adventure story sort of way.
(Light hearted music)
Theodore: Ouuch!
Furtive Guy: (wiping tears from his eyes) Oh, be quiet, Andersen, and eat another pastry.
Credits roll and end theme music plays
Presented by OBC
Caped figure: Where are we?
Scarved figure: Don;t be a fool woman! We;re here!
Caped figure: That;s very helpful, Super Bufanda, do you know, specifically, where we are?
Super Bufanda: Well, Super Jinkies, if you would adjust your wide-brimmed hat you;d see we're in the
exposition.
Super Jinkies: (adjusts hat) Of course! I'd recognize it anywhere!
Super Bufanda: Except back there.
Super Jinkies: Well, yeah, I didn;t back there, but trust me this is definitely the exposition.
The two figures walk through the mists and darkness quietly waiting for the exposition to end, which will be just about now.
Strange man: (jumps out of the mists) Rar, I'm going to defeat you!
Super Bufanda: ( Semi-,well not really all that, worried) Look, Super Jinkies, a strange man dressed as a weasel or an otter or something has initiated the initial action.
Strange: ( man Angrily waving fists) I;m not a weasel! I;m the Masked Ermine!
Conspicuous lack of incidental music
Super Jinkies: ( Horror struck) The Masked Ermine! Is there no mercy or humanity!? (nudges Super Bufanda) Who;s the Masked Ermine?
Super Bufanda: ( clearing his voice) I;ve no idea.
Super Bufanda begins to walk away.
Masked Ermine: Hey, I;m a not so famous, mediocre villain ready to reek havoc on the world. (Needlingly) I;m masked.
Super Bufanda: ( Super Bufanda stops dead in his tracks and enters soliloquy mode) We have to stop him. He is a villain, and no matter how uninteresting the character; we have to stop him. I mean for crying out loud; he took the time to get masked.
Super Bufanda turns around, but no one is there.
Super Bufanda: Hello, hello?
Super Jinkies Walks out of the mists holding a hot dog) Sorry, while you were soliloquizing I decided to go for some food.
Super Bufanda: ( annoyed) First of all, did you get any for me?
Super Jinkies: (Munching on the hot dog) Um, no, I took the last one.
Super Bufanda: Oh, turnips. Well, do you know where the Masked Ermine went?
Super Jinkies: Not really. (looks about and notices a furtive guy off stage) Let's ask that furtive guy over there, off stage.
They walk over to a guy in a trench coat. Suddenly the dark and gloomy scene turns into a scene of sunshine and children laughing. Our two heroes are surprised.
Super Jinkies: That;s a bit odd, isn;t it?
Super Bufanda: Naw, you should;ve seen the scene effects disaster of ;86.
Furtive man: (from now on to be known as F.M. {Also speaks in extreme distress}) The agony and horror! Ahhh!
Super Jinkies: What agony and horror?
F.M.: The disaster of ;86.
Super Jinkies: I see.
Super Bufanda: Where;s the Masked Ermine?
F.M.: I don;t know, ask the narrator, I;m just an anonymous extra they got off the street.
Super Jinkies: Where is the Masked Ermine?
(He;s in his secret lair in Canada.)
Super Jinkies: Thanks.
(No problem.)
The Masked Ermine runs into the scene.
Masked Ermine: That;s not fair; the narrator can;t interfere!
(Yes I can. I;m the narrator; I can do anything I want. Aren;t you supposed to be in Canada?)
The Masked Ermine disappears in a puff of smoke.
Super Bufanda: Off to Canada! (He flies off)
Super Jinkies: We can fly?
F.M.: Evidently.
Super Jinkies follows Super Bufanda.
*****
Masked Ermine: (Overlooking his troops) My ferret minions, our time has come.
One of the ferret minions: (raises his hand) Excuse me, I;d like to clarify that we;re men in suits, and not actual, intelligent ferrets.
The Masked Ermine Harumphs, raises a strange looking paintball gun and pulls the trigger. A pink ball strikes the man in the ferret suit and he turns into a mink coat, which I, the narrator, can;t even explain considering ferrets aren't minks.
Masked Ermine: Are there any other clarifications?
Ferret clad minions: No, Masked Ermine.
Masked Ermine: Good, now it;s time to unveil my plan to make things thoroughly unpleasant.
Throaty announcer voice: But first it;s time for the totally pointless and utterly absurd shower scene that doesn;t move the plot along at all, but also has not been deemed obscene by the FCC.
The shower scene plays and replays for eight hours.
The ferret clad minions are in a drooling daze.
Masked Ermine: (blinking) R-r-r-right, well, um, I seem to have forgotten what we were doing.
Ferret clad minion: (raises hand) I feel violated.
Suddenly the ceiling is ripped open.
Super Bufanda: Ha-ha that eight hour shower scene has given us enough time to find your secret lair.
Super Jinkies: It was a diversionary tactic? I thought it was only suppose to raise our ratings with 12-48 year old males.
Super Bufanda looks disapprovingly at her.
Super Bufanda: (pointing a thoroughly disapproving finger at the Masked Ermine) What is your plan?
Super Jinkies: (looking urgent) Please hurry I think I can hear the throaty announcer's voice coming back!
Masked Ermine: (talking fast) I will steal all of the mink coats in the world; replacing them with cheap, useless ferret coats. I will then hold the coats hostage in return for a dimensionally transcendental time machine so I can become an above average villain. Mwuhahahahahaha!!!!
Super Bufanda: (in awe struck horror) It;s just insanely complex enough to work!
Super Jinkies: (shocked) You really think so?
Super Bufanda: No, not really. I;m just adding suspense.
Masked Ermine: Ferret minions attack!
Super Jinkies: Look at all the ferrets!
Super Bufanda: They;re not real ferrets. They;re just men in ferret suits.
Again lack of incidental or combat music.
Super Bufanda unwraps his scarf and ties up a large group of ferret clad people. Super Jinkies X-ray beams another group of ferret men ( bringing out the fire brigade to douse some unexpecting extras). The Masked Ermine looks in fear as his men dressed in ferret suits are beaten back by the super heroes. He escapes out a convenient back door.
Super Bufanda: He;s getting away!
Suddenly, because the plot needs it, Super Jinkies is imbued with special knowledge.
Super Jinkies: All the doors are booby trapped. (she smiles)
Super Bufanda: How did you find that out?
Super Jinkies: I don;t know; I guess I was suddenly imbued with special plot necessitating information.
Super Bufanda: Oh.
They try a door anyway. The endeavor is met with several, exploding weasels.
Super Jinkies: This is definitely a most insidious booby trap, in fact, this booby trap is probably one of the most boobiest, booby traps I've ever been booby trapped in.
Super Bufanda glares at her.
Super Jinkies: I like to say booby.
Super Bufanda: I noticed.
(How will our heroes get out of this one? Is this truly the boobiest booby trap that they have been booby trapped in?)
The heroes glare at the narrator whose out of the scene.
(What? Booby is fun to say. Oh, cheese it, look at the time, um, oh yeah, find out if they escape in our next riveting episode.)
****
In our last rip-roaring episode we left our heroes in the booby trap set up by the Masked Ermine. This boobiest of booby traps consisted of exploding weasels. Other stuff happened too, but they're only important if you an insane fan, so here's the continuation.
Super Jinkies: Boobies, boobies, boobies, boo....
Super Bufanda: Stop saying boobies.
He smiles
Super Bufanda: Boobies, boobies, booooobeeees. That is fun to say
Super Jinkies: Told yah!
A group of weasels explode.
Super Jinkies: Let;s go through the door!
Super Bufanda: But it;s locked!
Super Jinkies: (shakes head) No, it;s not; it;s just booby trapped!
They go through the door leaving the perils of the exploding weasels behind them. They search the complex, looking for the Masked Ermine, but don;t find him.
Super Bufanda: Where is he?
Super Jinkies: I don;t know. Let;s ask that furtive guy off screen that looks a lot like the furtive guy from the last episode, but is, in fact, some one totally different.
Furtive man: No, I;m the same guy.
Super Jinkies: That;s what you;d like us to think, because you're an agent of the Masked Ermine.
Da, Da, Da!
Furtive man: What was that?
Super Bufanda: Stunning but obvious incidental music.
F.M. : I thought the sound union was on strike.
Super Bufanda: I guess it;s over.
Super Jinkies: It is! (Hooks her elbow around F.M.;s elbow and begins to dance)%Happy days are here again La, La, La La....%
( Ahem. Can we please get back to the regularly scheduled plot line?)
F.M. removes himself from Super Jinkies.
Super Jinkies: (still dancing) %Dee, Dee Dee,Duh Doo.%
(Ahem!)
Super Jinkies: Oh, sorry (stops dancing). Where were we?
Super Bufanda: You were implicating the furtive guy of being the Masked Ermine;s cohort.
Super Jinkies: Oh right! (gets into character and points an unpleasant finger at the furtive guy.) Because you're an agent of the Masked Ermine!
Da, Da, Da...(drum roll and loads of incidental extras)
F.M. : No, I;m not.
Super Jinkies: Yes, you are!
F.M.: No, I;m not
Super Jinkies: Are to!
F.M.: Aren;t!
Super Jinkies: Are!
Both: Aren;t! Are! Aren;t! Are!
Super Bufanda: Stop!!!
Super Jinkies: Are you sure you;re not an agent of the Masked Ermine?
F.M.: Yes, I;m sure!
Super Jinkies: Then why are you always in the very next scene, and then why do we find out where he is when we;re with you? Answer that will you?
F.M.: Because you always walk over here, and because I;m a simple plot device.
Super Jinkies: Oh, well that's it for me, do you have any questions, Super Bufanda?
Super Bufanda: Where;s the Masked Ermine?
F.M.: He's at Theodore Richbottom;s house, where he;s receiving his ransom!
Super Jinkies: Holy almost at a plot twist, Super Bufanda, we;ve gotta get there.
Super Bufanda: (striking an Adam West-like contemplative pose) Of course we do. (walks in a circle) But how?
F.M.: Why don;t you fly there?
Super Jinkies: You know, for being furtive he;s pretty quick.
Super Bufanda: Yes, he is. Well, let;s go.
They fly off.
*****
The Masked Ermine is standing in front of Louie Andersen; playing Theodore Richbottom.
Masked Ermine: Hand it over or I;ll destroy every luxury mink coat in the world. Mwuhahahah!
Theodore Richbottom: (to be known as T.R.) Here it is, take it; take it. (He throws a water gun duct taped to a coffee can with a flashlight inside it.)
Masked Ermine: What;s this. It doesn;t look like a dimensionally transcendental time machine.
T.R.: it;s an internarrative portal maker. It will let you travel to other plot lines and stories!
Suddenly four figures dive out of the sky. Super Jinkies, Super
Bufanda, a winged man with a goose beak and a man in spandex and a cape with a 'P'; written on his suit.
Super Jinkies: Look it;s Louie Andersen. I didn;t know we booked him! Do we get paid the same?
Super Bufanda: No, he doesn;t get paid like us. He gets paid in pastries and we get paid in currency.
Super Jinkies: That;s not fair, I want to be paid in pastries.
Masked Ermine: Ahem!
Super Jinkies: That;s the second time I;ve been ahemmed.
Super Bufanda: Third time.
Super Jinkies: Huh?
Super Bufanda: It;s the third time you;ve been ahemmed
T.R.: (in Louie Andersen voice) Excuse me.
Super Jinkies: Stuff it Andersen! Can;t you see we;re busy working out the continuity!
Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies continue to argue about the continuity while the others flounder the plot along.
Masked Ermine: Who are you? (Points at the spandex wearer and the winged person)
Winged person: I;m Gooseman.
Spandex wearer: And I;m Captain Phenomenal, later to be known as C.P. because Captain Phenomenal is far too much to write more than four times.
Masked Ermine: What are you doing here?
C.P. + Gooseman: We have no idea, because we;ll be discarded when you escape through the internarrative portal.
There;s dialogue gap as the distinct lack of two characters becomes apparent.
Super Jinkies: (yelling) I could swear I;ve only been ahemmed once!
Super Bufanda: You mean twice.
Super Jinkies: What!?
Super Bufanda: Never mind.
They turn around to see T.R., Gooseman, and C.P. on their stage mark trying to hold a look of aghastment and surprise.
Super Bufanda: Where;s the Masked Ermine?
C.P.: He jumped through the internarrative portal and hour ago!
Super Jinkies: We;ve got to follow him! Hurry, get a coffee can; Richbottom, waddle up to your mansion and get a super soaker and a mag-lite!
Gooseman rushes to the coffee station off stage. There;s a new coffee can, but it's one that you need to open with a can opener.
Gooseman: Does anyone have a can opener?
Everyone: No!
Super Bufanda: I;d give my kingdom for a horse-shaped can opener.
Super Jinkies: I didn;t know you had a kingdom.
Super Bufanda: It;s a long story that;ll come out mid-series.
There;s a freeze frame. (Will someone find a can opener in time, will our two heroes catch the unpleasant Masked Ermine. Find out in our next, padding-filled episode.)
Theme music and credits begin
***
The last time we saw our heroes; they were searching for a can opener to assist them in building an internarrative portal maker.
Super Bufanda: Oh drat! We forgot the duct tape!
Gooseman: I;ve got the duct tape.
Super Jinkies: I wonder what this tab on the top of the coffee can is?
C.P.: I thought the narrator said the can needed a can opener.
(I guess I was wrong. I can be wrong, can;t I!)
T.R.: You are the narrator, you shouldn;t be wrong!
(Andersen stop the whining, and shove another pastry in your mouth.)
Super Jinkies opens the can, pours the coffee into a filter and duct tapes the internarrative portal maker into existence.
Super Jinkies: Make us some coffee we;ll be back for the dénouement. (Pumps the super soaker's pressure gauge and pulls the trigger.)
The flashlight lights the interior of the coffee can, which is reflected outwards. The light hits a plaster wall where a circle of the wall slides away. Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies jumps through the hole.
There is noticeable use of CGI and green wall to show the internarrative vortex. Super Bufanda and Jinkies do some tumbling action and then the scene cuts off to show a very bright set with Rubbermaid walls with a hole in it. The two super heroes fall through the hole and tumble across the hall.
When they get up; they are faced with flashlights attached to elaborate water rifles.
Super Jinkies: (adjusts hat) Hello, how are you?
One of the gun wielders: Shut up, or we;ll Fazer you!
Super Jinkies: Where are we?
Super Bufanda: By just going on the obvious misspelling of phaser and the cheap looks of the sets; I;d say we;re in a cheap rip-off of Star Trek.
Super Jinkies: Oh, so we can consider this hostile territory?
Super Bufanda: In a word, yes
Super Jinkies: That took four words.
Super Bufanda: Still burned about that ahem thing, right?
(Odd voice): Super Jinkies nods
(Who are you?)
[I;m the Star Trekesque narrator]
(Well, I can handle this!)
[Are you sure?]
(Yes!)
[Fine]
One of the gun wielders: I;m Lieutenant Carlson are you Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies?
Super Heroes: Yes.
Carlson: You;re under arrest!
Super Jinkies: Darn it, my first internarrative trip and we;ll spend the whole time in a jail.
Carlson: You two, take them to the brig!
Two of the men take the super heroes away.
Super Bufanda: So you guys are interstellar travelers. Wha-what;s that like?
One of the men: It;s ok, I mean the pay;s ok, but there's usually a weekly crisis which usually deals with a monster of some sort.
Super Jinkies: Talking about crisises have you met a man named the Masked Ermine?
One of the men: No, but a man came here by the name of Dr. Fisher.
Super Bufanda: Hmm, where is he?
Guys lower their guns to contemplate.
Super Bufanda: Now!
The two super heroes spin around and punch their captors in the face, and then they run down the corridors. They went up one hall, and then down another.
Super Jinkies: I;m getting a little tired. Do we have to continue running?
Super Bufanda: Yes, this is the padded part of the story.
Super Jinkies: Where are we going?
Super Bufanda: To the engineering room!
Super Jinkies: Why?
Super Bufanda: (Stopping to explain) In these Star Trek rip-offs all the important people that need to be found are in the engineering room.
Carlson: Hey stop or I;ll shoot!
[He levels his gun to fire]
(I thought I told you; I;ll be doing the Narrating!)
[Fine]
(He levels his gun at the heroes. Bzzap. X-ray beams shoot out of Super Jinkies eyes and hit Carlson;s trigger hand. He drops the gun. Carlson gurns and gurgles in an over the top fashion as he falls to his knees holding his hand.)
Super Bufanda: First of all, I;d just like to say that I thought your sound effect was very neat, secondly I;d like to ask; did you have to hurt him so bad?
Super Jinkies: I didn;t, he;s just a big, wimpy, scene stealing, Trek-star wannabe.
Carlson: She;s right; I;m just gurning for attention! (taps cheap-looking badge) Security to deck, ah, hey, what deck is this?
Super Bufanda: I think it;s seventeen.
Carlson: Get that?
Security officer: Yeah.
Super Jinkies: We should run.
Super Bufanda: Yes, we should.
Super Jinkies: Scooby Dooishly?
Super Bufanda: Why not, it will break up the monotony.
The two heroes run in place for a minute, before rushing forward, Scooby Doo chase music begins.
Super Jinkies: How are we going to get to the engineering room? We don;t even know where it is.
Passes a sign that reads, "Engineering room three doors down second door on the left."
Super Jinkies: It;s that sort of blatantly helpful irony that really makes me feel stupid.
Super Bufanda: Now that we know where it is; we can just run and take in the chase music.
*****
Person in Stellar fleet uniform: Here;s the last component of an obvious weapon, that we;ve yet to identify as a weapon, Dr. Fisher.
Dr. Fisher: Thank you, ensign.
Installs the part
Dr. Fisher: I;ve finished, Mwuhahahahah!!
Ensign: Wait a second; you;re a villain, aren;t you?
Dr. Fisher: Let me guess, the laugh?
Ensign: It was a bit obvious.
Dr. Fisher: Drat my maniacal Mwuhahas. (Turns to the ensign) Never mind, I;ll kill you and blame it on the weekly Star Trekesque crisis. (He grabs a knife duct taped to a mini-flashlight)
The ensign screams as the shadow of the two characters are shown to escape the gore traps of some stories. Super Bufanda and Jinkies run into the room Dr. Fisher has his back to them. He turns slowly and suspensefully.
Super Jinkies: Holy Doppelganger, Super Bufanda!
Super Bufanda: That;s no doppelganger, my female liege.
Everyone looks quizzically at Super Bufanda.
Super Bufanda: (smiles sheepishly and shrugs his shoulders) I just say what they tell me to say
Super Jinkies: Fine, but who is this guy?
Super Bufanda: (rolls his eyes) It;s the Masked Ermine.
Da, Da, Dah Dah!! (Violins and trumpets play menacingly)
Dr. Fisher: That is good incidental music.
Super Bufanda: It;s not Oscar or Grammy winning, but it's ok.
Super Jinkies: (nudges Super Bufanda) Psst, when does Dr. Fisher;s name turn back to Masked Ermine.
Super Bufanda: Right about, wait for it, now!
Masked Ermine: I;m finishing you off right now!
Super Jinkies: (talking to Super Bufanda) Ooh, you;re good.
Super Bufanda: (Raises hands and smiles) It;s a gift.
Masked Ermine: (Who;s been ranting since his last line, but whose lines were considered too serious for this plot line and were thusly deleted, is now revealing his work) They are two mechanoid versions of, yes, in my fiendish fiendishness I;ve created them in full life-size accurateness, Dora the Explorer and Barney the Dinosaur!
The two robots get up. One is a seven- foot tall, seemingly plush, type of a purple, smiling Tyrannosaurus Rex. The other was a four-foot tall representation of a kindergarten age, Mexican child.
Masked Ermine: Mwuhahahahaha. (Gasp) Mwuhahahahah. (Coughs) Mwuhack hack hack. Dorabot, Barneybot, playschool them!
Super Jinkies: I don;t suppose we could just change the channel?
Super Bufanda: (mustering the courage needed to face the horror facing him) You;re sick, Masked Ermine!
Masked Ermine: Not sick enough to watch you get crushed.
He grabs his internarrative portal maker. He pulls the trigger and a CGI vortex opens and he jumps through it.
Dorabot: Do you see the two super heroes we;re going to get?
Twelve minutes pass without an answer, which isn;t unusual for Dora because her show doesn;t have the audience;s answers dubbed into the show, which is a distinct annoyance to any of the adult spectators of the show.
Super Jinkies: (weeping because of the extremely long, unnatural silence is driving her insane.) For crying out loud; someone, have mercy on my soul, answer her, please! (Sob) Please, someone.
Dorabot: Muy bien. You;re right, they;re right there.
Super Bufanda: (baffled) What the heck?
Super Jinkies: (still sobbing) Oh my God, she responds to answers that aren;t there. Is there no mercy!?
Barneybot: % I love you, you love me. We;re going to crush you like a pea. With a great, big hug and crushed vertebrae from me to you, won;t you say you love me, too? %
Super Bufanda: (snaps) Ok, ok, I;ll confess; I took the last cookie from the cookie jar! (Sobbing)
The robots advance on the weeping forms. Dorabot opens her backpack to reveal a robomap.
Dorabot’s Map: % I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, I;m the map, (Infliction with a pitch upswing) I;m the map! %
Barneybot: (laughing silly) That's super dee dooper!
Super Jinkies: (hysterical) I-I-I can;t f-f-feel my brains!
Super Bufanda: (rocking in a fetal position and drooling) I;m a good boy, yeah, I know. I;ll bake some more cookies and fill the cookie jar, and then the problem will be allll gone! (Smiles and does a little kid;s scared laugh)
Our heroes are in real trouble now! Can they escape the preschool bots? I mean, even I, the narrator, can barely survive the mind numbing that;s going on!
Barneybot: % Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere%.
Arrgh, please cut to the ending credits. Hurry! I can;t stand it anymore!
(resoluting drumrolls play as they cut to closing title sequence.)
***
When we last saw our heroes; they were in the dangerous predicament of fighting off playschool robots.
(Drumming melodramatic music)
The two robots lumber forward towards our heroes.
Super Bufanda: (pulling himself together) Super Jinkies we must do something! We can;t let the Masked Ermine win like this!
Super Jinkies: (sniffling) What can we do? Our shield of light humor has been swept away by the dire incidental music and the maniacal irony of being murdered by playschool, television characters.
Super Bufanda: (unsure) I don;t know. We;ll have to fall back and regroup.
The two super heroes scramble out into the corridor. Super Bufanda unwraps his scarf and steps to the opposite side of the doorway from Super Jinkie.
Super Bufanda: (tosses one end of his scarf to Super Jinkies) Take it, I;ll hold one end and you the other end, when I say, now, you pull it taught.
Super Jinkies: (nods and wipes her eyes) I hope this works.
Barneybot: I can;t wait to play with our new friends.
Super Bufanda: Now!!!
Super Jinkies pulls the scarf taught.
Barneybot: Woh, Woh, Ahh. (Falls face first. He waves his short arms uselessly, trying to push himself up.)
Dorabot: What have they done?
Unnatural silence, because there's no answer.
Dorabot: Muy bien. You;re right they tripped Barneybot.
Super Jinkies: (turning insane annoyance to fury) I;ll teach you to respond to nonexistent answers. (Bzzap. She X-ray beams Dorabot, but to no effect.)
Dorabot: (frowning) Swiper no swiping. (Her eyes glow red and blasts Super Jinkies)
Super Jinkies: Oh sure, you just trip your;s, but mine fights back.
Dorabot helps Barneybot up to his feet. A compartment opens on Barneybot's chest revealing a bag.
Barneybot: I wonder what;s in the Barney bag today? (Pulls out two, high-energy, laser guns.)
Dorabot: Let;s play target practice.
Super Bufanda: So much for plan A. It's time for plan B.
Super Jinkies: Which is?
Super Bufanda: (turning and hovering tentatively away) Make a run for it!
Both super heroes fly off, but the androids increase their speed.
Super Jinkies: (looking back) Plan B isn;t working.
Laser pulses fly by
Super Bufanda: Then we upstage to plan C.
Super Jinkies: You;re full of plans today, so what;s plan C?
Super Bufanda: Run faster!!
Super Jinkies: How ingenious.
Super Bufanda: I thought so.
The two heroes pick up the pace, but are still assaulted by the lasers.
Super Bufanda: If only we knew some one with access to a small army of well-armed security officers, we could get out of this.
Super Jinkies: (pointing up ahead) Look, it;s Carlson with a small army of well-armed security officers.
The two heroes fly behind Carlson, cowering.
Super Bufanda: Hurry, destroy them!
Carlson: Why?
Super Jinkies: Because they;re mercilessly malicious, maniacal mechanoids. The one that looks like a girl releases unholy dialogue gaps into the universe and the other has driven adults insane for almost a decade!
Carlson: (horrified) They;re, they;re inhumane. What kind of horrible person would create them?
Super Bufanda: Dr. Fisher AKA the Masked Ermine!
Da, Da, Da!!!
Carlson: Men, target those blasphemies of children;s educational television
The men form up and blast the heads off the robots, but the androids continue to advance.
Super Bufanda: (pointing) Look, obviously obvious battery packs on their backs!
The super heroes fly up and around the headless robots and yank out the batteries.
Super Jinkies: (throwing the batteries on the ground and blasting them with her X-ray laser vision.) That's for adults everywhere!
The security officers raise their guns and cheer. Super Bufanda gets out the internarrative portal maker, pumps the pressure gauge and pulls the trigger. A CGI vortex forms and the heroes jump through it.
More internarrative vortex special effects and tumbling action by the heroes, and there is a scene jump.
They land on a dark set with flashes of lightning. A blue beam is shot past them, hits a tree and turns into a mink coat, and again, as the narrator, I am baffled.
Super Bufanda: The Masked Ermine! Quickly let;s hide behind this obviously placed, blue, police box.
As they cower behind the police box a man in a white jacket and wearing a Panama hat opens the door.
Super Jinkies: (surprised and star-struck) Oh my goodness, Super Bufanda, do you know who this is?
Super Bufanda: (in smug noncultishness) No, who is it?
Super Jinkies: It;s the Doctor!
Doctor: Hello, who;s the strange, masked guy in the otter suit?
Masked Ermine: (furiously) I;m an ermine, not a weasel or otter or badger or wolverine or any of the other weasel allies!
Super Jinkies: You mean you;re not a civet or skunk either?
Masked Ermine roars angrily and fires a barrage of mink coat beams
Doctor: (looking at Super Bufanda) I used to know a guy who wore the same style of scarf as you do, but he fell off a radio telescope tower.
Super Bufanda: (seeing the Doctor;s umbrella) May I borrow this? I think I have an idea.
He opens the umbrella, and walks toward the Masked Ermine, who continues to fire on him, but the firepower bounces harmlessly off the umbrella.
Super Bufanda: Thank you, inorganic, synthetic plastic, umbrella canvas. Super Jinkies stay behind the umbrella, and follow me.
Super Jinkies: Why isn;t the umbrella a mink coat?
Doctor: (explaining tone) The beam only effects organic material and the simulated plastic isn't organic.
The Masked Ermine jumps over the super heroes and grabs the Doctor.
Masked Ermine: Take me in your TARDIS and through the internarrative portal, to my original plot line.
The Masked Ermine opens the portal and ushers the Doctor into the TARDIS, which groans and wheezes and finally disappears.
Super Bufanda: Hurry, through the portal!
They jump through the portal.
*****
Theodore Richbottom: Yay, I;m back in the plot line.
Gooseman: (philosophically) We;ve come full circle.
The portal opens with the added wheezing and groaning and a blue police box appears.
The Doctor;s ushered out and is followed by the Masked Ermine.
Doctor: That;s a good quote from an acceptable story
Masked Ermine: Quiet you! I;m going to be more than an above average villain; I;m going to be a super villain! Mwuhahahahaha!!
The Doctor steps to the right, and raises an eyebrow.
Captain Phenomenal: (talking to Masked Ermine) I wouldn;t aim too high, in your career choice
Super Bufanda and Super Jinkies come flying out of the portal hit the TARDIS prop, which falls over on top of the Masked Ermine.
Masked Ermine: Owww!
Captain Phenomenal: (talking to Masked Ermine) I told you not to aim too high.
Super Jinkies: That was kind of painful on the face.
Masked Ermine: That was kind of painful on my back.
Furtive guy: What do we do now?
Super Bufanda: I don;t know; usually the villain gets away in the nick of time.
Doctor: I suggest you handcuff him and take him to jail.
Super Bufanda unwraps his scarf. The others lift the prop up and Super Bufanda ties the scarf around the Masked Ermine's hands, and drags him to jail, and then returns.
Doctor: Bye. (Enters the TARDIS and it disappears through the CGI portal)
Theodore Richbottom: Look I;ve got a rich bottom.
Super Jinkies: That;s not funny!
Super Bufanda: No, but this is!
An anvil inexplicably falls on Richbottom. Everyone laughs in a clichéd, end of an action-adventure story sort of way.
(Light hearted music)
Theodore: Ouuch!
Furtive Guy: (wiping tears from his eyes) Oh, be quiet, Andersen, and eat another pastry.
Credits roll and end theme music plays
Presented by OBC
