The village of Airth is in central Scotland. On the south bank of the River Forth, 1 mile west of the Kincardine Bridge and approximately 15 miles west of the far more famous Forth Road and Railway Bridges. It's almost exactly equidistant between Glasgow and Edinburgh and just off the M9 motorway. Airth is a 90 second village¹.

Surrounding Geography

The landscape surrounding Airth lies at sea level and is flat in all directions for at least 10 miles. Global warming, may turn Airth into a miniature Scottish Venice. At the edges of the flat bits we have lumps of rock... not quite mountains, but certainly more than just hills... sort of baby mountains. The baby analogy runs deeper than just size; they are round and crumpled, an unhealthy purple colour, and are permanently dripping wet. There are not many trees, so don't bring your dog.

The weather is invariably wet and windy.

Facilities

• One fish and chip shop
• One mini market
• One post office
• One corner shop
• Three pubs
• One social club (bring your own whippet. If you don't have a whippet a pigeon will 'doo'²)
• One telephone box (no glass)
• One 4 star hotel (allegedly)
• One church
• Lots of speed limit notices and measures

Nearest McDonalds - is 4 miles away, at the Earls Gate roundabout petrol station. Head towards Falkirk on the A905. Alternatively follow the trail of branded litter back to its source.

Indigenous Population

The strong silent type. This is the result of spending a great deal of time swinging axes and having a reputation for not taking kindly to being interrupted by strangers.

Points of Interest

• The large electricity pylons spanning the River Forth - They must be 300 ft high and feature the brightest warning strobes to be seen anywhere. They are almost bright enough to convince alien astronomers that they have discovered a new class of Pulsar.

• A good view of the BP refinery flares - A flare is what refineries use to burn off waste products. Think of them enormous bunsen burners, there is about a dozen of them. If there is a 'process anomaly' at the refinery and they all go off at once, it looks like the candles on God's birthday cake.

Claim to fame

In March 1997, a sperm whale spent a few days swimming around in the Firth of Forth. It became quite a local celebrity and was affectionately christened Moby³. Unfortunately for Moby, it then swam up the River Forth and beached itself on the sand banks of Airth. Despite frantic efforts to drive him back into the sea, he died.