Ask Mr Dreadful
Created | Updated Feb 17, 2005
...And then they made me their chief.
Arrr!
A little while ago I was taking the number six bus to the supermarket and what should I see when I passed Big Larry's Polecat Paradise? Mr. Ross, stood outside in the rain with nothing but the ferrets down his trousers for company... I swear, that Big Larry treats his employees like... Sorry, I digress. Welcome, once again, to Ask Mr. Dreadful!
Every month (in theory) I’ll be putting up the most moving and heartfelt letters I have received in the previous four weeks along with one or two classics from the Ask Mr. Dreadful backlog.
Do you have difficulties with pirates?
Are you unsure of the correct way to badger a badger or clean a polecat?
Is your life unfulfilled and void of helpful advice?
If the answer to any of these questions is 'yes' then... Ask Mr. Dreadful, h2g2’s one and only Agony Pirate.
Read All About It!
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
Congratulations on becoming a Newspaper Magnate. Does this now mean you will commence having affairs with politicians, begin ripping off the BBC pension fund and attempt to monopolise the worlds communication industry?
Yours,
Albert Ross
Dear Mr. Ross,
Did I leave my laptop on the number 6 bus again?
Do You Love the Sausage?
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
Why is it, when you're making good old fashioned sausage sarnies for lunch, that the sausages these days are never as long/wide as the slice of bread, meaning that you often end up with a big bite of just bread and sauce?
Yours In Cognito,
Aye Be.
Dear Aye Be,
The size of bread in relation to the size of sausages is as a result of the Bread-Sausage wars of 1972 when Hovis and Wall's fought many bloody battles in the Lake District over the importance of their products in the great sausage sarnie. Hovis won after capturing the Wall's supreme commander and executing him by tying rock buns to his feet and throwing him in the North Sea. A treaty was signed making sure that all slices of bread have to now be larger than the average sausage.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
Where can I get some friends?
Yours Lonesomely,
ReddyFreddy
Dear ReddyFreddy,
Go out with a rifle loaded with tranquilliser darts. Anybody you can bring down and get home without being noticed is your friend by default as you voluntarily let them into your house.
If you have any problems with your lifestyle, or just need advice about keel hauling leave a message on the latest thread on Ask Mr. Dreadful or contact Mr. Dreadful directly via e-mail. I shall attempt to answer all correspondence even though only a small portion of it will appear in the column every month. Letters may be edited for crimes against grammar.
Until next time, mateys!
Mr. Dreadful
