The BBC is the single most amazing institution on the planet. The BBC has supplanted the church, the monarchy, and whatever seems to operate elsewhere to become the guiding light of culture to the entire English speaking world (and therefore to the rest of it by default).

BBC reporters and correspondents are everywhere. They know more about everything than anyone. Where in other places sinister office blocks are built to house the minions of state security, a bigger, even more sinister structure exists at the BBC to teach News Anchors things like how to pronounce the name of the Bulgarian Foreign Secretary's wife.

The Americans have the Pentagon, the Italians have the Vatican, the Chinese have The Great Wall, and the Egyptians have the Great Pyramids; but the British have the BBC.

BBC is now the standard English spoken around the world. Regional dialects are reserved for people who don't watch enough television. Forget Oxford or The King's English: 'I want my lad to talk proper like the bloke on the telly!'

If you speak BBC the world's your oyster. Even in America, you ask? In America in particular, I reply! The American Public Broadcasting System (PBS) exists solely to ensure that the population receives the minimum basic exposure to the BBC necessary for growth and success.

The BBC can teach you anything you need to know, from fixing the sink to saving your soul.

Whatever name heaven goes by, it must surely be a place where BBC programming is uninterrupted and guaranteed for ever, where immortal souls are guided in never-ending bliss by angelic silver-throated Announcers.