Leprechauns are largely believed to be mythical beings. This is untrue and essential for your knowledge! They are mostly a harmless people and only attack when someone attempts to steal their gold. In this article you will find details as to:

1. Their whereabouts.
2. Their appearance.
3. Misleading rumours.
4. their lifecycle.
5. Ireland - the national cover-up.
6. Leprechaun spotting.
7. A guide to Leprechaun speak.

The Leprechauns, it is widely suspected, live in Ireland. Unfortunately, not all Irish people will admit to this and will get very irritated if a hitch hiker should inquire as to this unusual yet lovable species. This makes it very difficult for hitchhikers to spot Leprechauns for, although it may be a small country, it is still a large place to look for a Leprechaun.

After studying them for many years and completing extensive research, I can reveal that Leprechauns in fact live underground in burrows. This was not always the case. They once ruled the land, but, the Irish men grew resentful of their riches, magical powers, and charm and rebelled. They despised the leprechauns for charming all the Irish women and forced them underground, where their powers grew weak. The only time they get stronger is after it rains and there is a rainbow. They must leave the underground and protect their gold which, it is widely known, is at the end of a rainbow. This is the only chance a hitchhiker has of meeting one¹.

Leprechauns are generally about two feet tall. Due to inbreeding, the majority of them have red frizzy hair and blue eyes. They have a look about them which suggests eccentricities, possibly because of their large ears and big hands. It is important not to laugh and point should you see one as this angers them, the leprechaun in question may challenge you to a game of Death-Snap², a game that should be avoided by all hitch hikers.

For some bizarre unknown reason, people who believe in Leprechauns have a tendancy to also believe they constantly wear green outfits, with black leather buckled shoes. They also seem to think that Leprechauns have long hair and beards. This is not the case. The only time they ever did this was on St. Patricks day centuries ago. In fact, Leprechauns try to keep up with fashion as much as possible. They use discarded fashion magazines from humans to do this. Unfortunately, as they make their own clothes, some of them often look a bit strange.

Also, Leprechauns are not especially talented when it comes to Irish dancing and playing the fiddle. They used to be, but that trend soon died down in Ireland. Nowadays, Leprechauns are taking an active interest in guitar, judo and karate.

Once a baby Leprechaun is born huge celebrations are underway. The people drink, dance and have judo competitions. It is a joyous occasion. The baby is loved and cherished by the community. Other Leprechauns make clothes, food and buy judo books for the newborn. As the Leprechaun grows s/he is taught Leprechaun history, mixes with peers and learns the art of protecting the gold³. As the young Leprechaun grows, a mate is picked by a local matchmaker. The Leprechauns learn to love each other and generally these marriages last. The life expectancy for a Leprechaun is 15 years⁴. This is due to living underground causing them to die younger. Although suggestions have been made that this early death is due to poison in the unripened vegetables they are forced to eat all their lives.

Ask any Irish person where the Leprechauns are and they will generally get quite annoyed and tell you they don't exist. This, as we all know, is a blatant lie. As far as I can tell, the government are embarrassed by the Leprechauns, and don't want them ruling the country, reigning havoc, and charming Irish women again. Also, the Leprechauns are a quiet, peaceful people who don't want tourists taking photos of them constantly... you'd hardly like to be put on display would you? Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that the Irish people and the Leprechauns signed a Deny All Existence Pact. This way it is best for both races to live in harmony.

If you are intent on meeting a Leprechaun, it is important that you should know how to go about it. The first step to take to ensure you will meet one is: go to Ireland at any time in the year... it is bound to rain, therefore there should hopefully be a rainbow. Find the end of the rainbow and wait. Glance around. The only way you will see a pot of gold is if you happen to walk into it and look down, otherwise your mind just doesn't want to know. If you are lucky enough to find yourself a pot of gold you're on the right track. Say in a loud voice:
'Oh! a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I think I shall take it and use it to buy lots of hat-stands.'

Leprechauns think - and are correct in thinking - hat-stands are the most useless items anyone can possibly attain. This will make them even more angry and deetermined to protect their gold. At this point you should lean over and attempt to pick it up. It is doubtless that you will fail in this as you will find your face flat on the ground, just after having a judo move put on you by a Leprechaun. By the time you have recovered from the shock you should just see a Leprechaun disappearing into the ground (burrow) with the pot of gold. It is likely s/he will stick his/her tongue out at you and do you disparagement by telling you how stupid your race is for introducing hat-stands. Take no offence if this occurs.

Should you find yourself in a situation where a Leprechaun wishes to converse with you, here is a list of their most common phrases and what they mean:

• Where's megold? (where is my gold) - oh dear I seem to have misplaced my fortune.
• Gimme (give it to me)... used in reference to the afore mentioned gold... give it to me now, please.
• Pssoff (p*** off)... please leave my friends, family and pets now, and don't come back. your visit was much appreciated.

This concludes my article, I hope you find it to your satisfaction. Happy Leprechaun spotting!

hotblack

19.07.01. Front Page

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