Wake Me Up When the Cold War Is Over
Created | Updated Jul 11, 2010
Editor's Note: The following communications were intercepted by our Special Agent Tommy Singleterry, who found them at bi-weekly intervals over the last several months in a spy drop (read "bait can") near the dumpster behind a Dairy Queen outside Bethesda, Maryland. Tommy was voted "most congenial seventh-grader" at Norman Schwarzkopf Middle School this last year, and didn't like to spoil the fun, so he's been leaving rubles in the bait can when he picks up the notes. At 31 rubles to the dollar, he can afford to on his allowance.
One time, Tommy tried his hand at replying in Russian, leaving a note that said "μιςκεϒ – μουσε", which was apparently taken for code. (Tommy's big sister is dating Stavros, the guy who runs the Dairy Queen.)
Tommy decided all this might be of interest to the press, so he sent it on to us at 
. I got assigned to the case because Bel thinks I have more credibility, being named Dmitri, like the Russian president.
We think Tommy has a lot of talent. Tommy thinks he wants to join Homeland Security when he grows up. We told him not to tell Homeland Security about the congeniality medal, but he thinks they already know.
Be that as it may, here are excerpts from some of Tommy's intel.
21 April, 2010
Dear Comrade, er, Colleague,
As you will have guessed, we have been forced to fall back on the old Soviet drop box since the failure of our high-tech method due to American sabotage. Boris was unable to anticipate the danger of opening an email entitled "Luscious Latvian Babes Want US Husbands".
Boris and I have been hard at work in Washington. Really hard at work. Due to the bad exchange rate of the ruble, we are forced to work as wait staff at the Hilton. Do not let people tell you that senatorial aides are good tippers. Only the lobbyists live up to their reputations. They are on expense accounts.
Being near the centre of US government activity, we hope soon to have important intel for you, including the answer to the all-important question of who will win the upcoming Washington edition of "Top Chef". We are certain that this programme is rigged.
Yours,
Natasha
3 May, 2010
Dear Colleague,
We have made progress. Boris is cultivating a significant contact: He thinks he may be getting close to the second cousin of President Obama's dog-walker. A breakthrough in policy information may be only a few liver treats away.
Boris and I are finding intelligence gathering difficult, because we are doing so much overtime at our day jobs. If you could send more money, we might be able to bring down the Americans a bit faster.
Yours,
Natasha
17 May, 2010
Dear Colleague,
Exciting news! The dog-walker's second cousin informs us reliably that the White House has switched pet food suppliers.
This can mean only one thing: The domestic economy is not recovering from the recession as quickly as officially claimed.
In other news, Boris has been promoted to shift lead. 50 cents more per hour, and a red ribbon in his lapel. He is proud.
Yours,
Natasha
31 May, 2010
A breakthrough! We have important intel to communicate regarding something called Droid. The US must be farther along in robotics than we thought.
The brochure is enclosed. We are unable to obtain a sample, as Boris and I are behind on our cable bill and cannot afford the $149.00, or 4619 rubles, plus tax.
[Enclosed is a brochure from a popular mobile phone company.]
In other news, we have managed to sample food from the "Top Chef" kitchen. This contest is definitely rigged: The Quick-Fire Challenge winner's bouillabaisse was oversalted.
Yours,
Natasha
14 June, 2010
Dear Colleague,
Apologies for the late reply, but we had a near-miss with the authorities. In flying to Florida (we were following up the suggestive lead in your coded message), Boris was stopped and interrogated for three hours by airport security. His strong accent made them suspicious, but I was finally able to convince them that he was unaware of the regulations regarding the transport of toothpaste.
When we boarded the next flight, a fellow passenger advised in future to pack Crest. Apparently, this brand is not detectable by airport security. I pass this on as possibly useful intel.
Unfortunately, the lead did not pan out – the Mouse had nothing to say about US foreign policy – but Boris and I got nice tans.
Yours,
Natasha
28 June, 2010
Dear Colleague,
The unthinkable has happened! Boris and I were caught trying to bug the bridal suite in the Hilton, and arrested by Homeland Security! A spy's worst nightmare!
After thorough interrogation – during which, of course, we revealed nothing – we were taken, not to Guantanamo, as we feared, but to the District of Columbia Night Court, for arraignment before Judge Judy Someone-or-Other.
This berobed hypocrite lectured us sternly on voyeurism, and let us go, on the grounds that unsuccessful spying was not spying at all. The words "incompetent" and "ham-fisted" were bandied about. I have never been so insulted in my life – not even when we were thrown out of Pago Pago during the Guano Incident.
Unfortunately, the Hilton was less understanding. Boris and I have been sacked, which means we cannot collect unemployment benefits.
Could you let us have a few more rubles until we are on our feet again? We understand that the Dairy Queen is hiring.
Yours,
Natasha
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