Principle or relationship between cause and effect. Causality is the

It is also the principle that means everythingdoesn'thappenallatthesametime.

Apart from the definition of the word itself, which had been agreed by a committee of serious men and is now set in hyper-tungsten letters in the vaults of the Galactic Dictionary Fortress and Fun Park, any science involving a theory as to how time actually works has as many points of view as a well adjusted philosopher or a Tragornian Polyoptipus (a race who invented the contact lens so they take a long clear look at the beauty of nature and stop inventing television).

That's the trouble with principles in this impossible universe, so few of them are actually definitive.

The problem is that of relativity. To explain; in the midst of a family feud it is always impossible to take your psychopathic cousin's side in an argument due to the fact that their perception of time and space, and in fact the whole infinity of creation, is entirely different from your own.

A famous example of this is Hurtlespoon's twin problem. Why, he wondered, would the parallel lives of two siblings born seconds apart, raised by the same parents and with all the same experiences still result in one of the two thinking that "Everything you know is wrong!" and "Celebrity Organ Farm" are great pieces of entertainment.

The problem of causality, or the apparent lack of it, was further exacerbated by the arrival of time travellers from the near future. They patiently explained the terrible disasters that were about to befall the galaxy, thus giving the governments ample time to prepare for and ultimately prevent the eco-apocalypse. The fact that well meaning scientists had been bleating on about the same thing for decades apparently didn't hold quite the same weight as a bunch of total strangers showing up one day and flashing photos of flooded cities, shattered moons and the decline in global commerce due to a lack of investment in sunshine.

It's this kind of behavior that led to time travel being banned in the first place because, firstly, the scientists didn't like being overshadowed by a bunch of flash, futuristic types and, secondly, because it eventually turned out that these "time travellers" were actually the marketing department of a solar panel manufacturer in fancy-dress spacesuits.

In order to nail down causality once and for all and ensure that global disasters were allowed to unfold in such a way that wily investors could take full advantage of the destruction of civilization, the aforementioned scientists took a long look at the science of time travel and published a few inflammatory statements in the national press.

1. Time travel is impossible.
2. When time travel is inevitably invented all of history will unravel.
3. The invention of time travel will mean that you will come your own grandfather, nephew and pet hyena all at the same time.
4. The banking system will collapse due to foreknowledge of catastrophic events and your pension and other investments will become utterly worthless.
5. On the plus side you will be able to go to any exciting event, anywhere in history. Unfortunately you will not have the money to afford this.
6. The veracity of religious events will be called into question and cause a descent into godless chaos. This will be indistinguishable from the world we currently live in.

Once the gullible public had managed to absorb these contradictory statements there were immediate calls for time travel to be invented and then banned at once.

We, as a species, have so far only managed to accede to the first part of these demands, thus why we now live in a godless void with a collapsed banking system.

The Lost Transmissions Archive

Tim Stevenson

23.01.12 Front Page

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