The Ninja Film Review: Wet
Created | Updated Jul 17, 2016
Awix is the expert. For ridiculous opinions on cinema, you get me.
The Ninja Film Review: Wet
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| This is Gerald Durrell, a real naturalist. This is a real bird. Neither of them is CGI. Notice how real they look? Filmmakers, take note: CGI does not look like this. CGI makes your movie look like a cut-price MMO. |
If you want a real review of Darren Aronofsky's Noah, read Awix's review. But over at my house, we were so exhausted from 4th of July picnics and whatnot, and so annoyed that the only other decent films Amazon Prime was offering us involved Nazis, that we succumbed to the temptation, such as it was, to veg out in front of the computer screen and watch the soggy apocalypse.
I managed to stay awake, but Elektra dozed off frequently. When she woke up, I'd catch her up on the exciting action, plus titbits I found online.
'See those rock people?' I pointed. 'They're the Nephilim.'
'You're kidding. Nephilim are fallen angels. How did they get to be rocks?'
'Poetic licence, I guess. Oh, and Nick Nolte and Frank Langella are doing the voices.'
'They probably said, "Oh, why the hell not?"' I agreed.
Then the evil Tubalcain showed up.
Elektra: 'Why is he talking like he lives in a London slum?'
Me: 'Because a, it's Ray Winstone, and he talked like that when he was Henry VIII. And b, look around him. The Earth is a slum because of these yahoos.'
No animals were harmed in the making of this film. In fact, I understand no animals were used in the making of this film. It was all CGI. What a disappointment. The best part about Noah movies is usually the wildlife. Aronofsky, however, was obviously bored by the 'floating zoo' part. It's hardly mentioned.
I was also horribly let down by the non-appearance of one of my favourite Biblical characters: Enoch. (I prefer the Ethiopian edition.) His part got given to Lamech, played by the ubiquitous Anthony Hopkins. Hopkins played Lamech like he plays everyone from college professors to Hannibal Lector. What a yawn. The endless search for berries in a lava-strewn landscape was an insult to environmentalists everywhere.
And then they got into the Ark, and the whole thing turned Freudian. And not in a good way. Ham is bummed because his dad's a putz. Mrs Noah, ditto. And somehow [NON-BIBLICAL SPOILER ALERT} Tubalcain has smuggled himself onto the Ark. It was probably in Winstone's contract that they couldn't kill him off before he'd chewed some more scenery. Struggle ensues.
Frankly, the inability of modern filmmakers to tell the Noah story confuses me. Look, here's the plot: the planet is doomed. You want survivors. So you teach them how to make a wooden box. This box is so organised that you can basically put the whole ecosystem in it in microcosm. One might almost think it was, er, bigger on the inside… The rain starts. You close the door and there are trumpeting sounds. You end up in a much better place. The Doc-…er, Noah, leads the way down the ramp…
Our conclusion: This movie, though quite funny in places, is far too long and has no unicorns in. We recommend a much better version of the same story, namely, Noah's Ark: The Miniseries starring Jon Voight. Mary Steenburgen plays Mrs Noah, and she is superb, as always. That version was at least funny on purpose.
