Elsewhere in this issue, you will find another story about the Mandela Effect. See? The h2g2 Post is on top of the issues that really matter.

recently the gray area and the skunkworks forums are being flooded by people who think that they were part of an alternate reality and after some unspecificed "change" they appeared on our reality

those threads are completely flooding the skunkworks forums atually interesting threads get buried never to be seen again wich is angaist ats motto

humanoidlord on abovetopscret.com forum thread with title 'Mandela Effect Shut Up!', spelling unredacted. You are on your own here.

'They're changing,' Doohickey claimed. 'Especially Washington and Lincoln. It's happening as we speak.'

'Like how?' I inquired cautiously. 'I mean, Mount Rushmore is solid granite. That's a lot of rock to move, even for the Mandela Effect.' Melvin Doohickey is a good friend of mine, but sometimes his interest in the latest conspiracy theory tries even my patience.

'George Washington's coat lapels are wider, ' He insisted. 'Buttons are emerging. And Lincoln's got a hand now.'

I shrugged. 'Are you sure you aren't just seeing photos from a different angle? Like aerial?'

Doohickey pointed to the National Park Service site. 'Can't be. "Launching, landing or operating unmanned or remote controlled aircraft within Mount Rushmore National Memorial is prohibited (36 CFR 1.5)" See? Besides, Washington is smirking now. He didn't use to smirk.'

I sighed. I've never taken a good look at Mount Rushmore, myself. My reluctance was largely due to my negative feelings about carving up sacred batholiths. As far as I'm concerned, plutonic rock outcroppings should be left alone, especially if they're sacred to indigenous people. Carving dead politicians and/or military figures into their surfaces is an act of ridiculous hubris which can only lead to trouble. The same goes for meteorites: remember 'Great is Diana of the Ephesians¹'? See what I mean?

Being a dedicated researcher², I turned to the authoritative source on the Mandela Effect: Youtube. Sure enough, the 'experts' were all over the issue. One, called Spaced Out Productions, offered the speculation that Washington's tie looked like a dollar sign now.

'Oh, well,' I thought, 'If I don't get to the bottom of this, I won't get any peace from Doohickey. Might as well do some digging. Just not in South Dakota.'

I turned to that second authoritative source, Wikipedia. According to its anonymous researchers, Mount Rushmore was originally known as 'The Six Grandfathers' to the Lakota Sioux. Uncaring white people renamed it for some lawyer you've never heard of (me, neither, and I know a lot more useless US trivia, so he's profoundly obscure and doesn't deserve the honour). The whole 'carving up the mountain' stunt was a scheme to increase tourism. My disgust mounted as I read. It took from 1927 to 1941 to create this 'masterpiece'. Fortunately, nobody died in the process.

An 'artist' named Gutzon Borglum was in charge of the whole shebang. They started sculpting Jefferson, but messed up, so they just dynamited the mistake and started over. Heaven give us patience. They don't have enough money to clean it regularly, and they need to: it has lichens. There were many more boring factoids on the Wikipedia page, but I spare you. The really interesting thing was the photo that showed Borglum's model of the original design:

No, I didn't steal that from Wikipedia. I have standards. I got it the same place they did: the Library of Congress. You will notice that the details Doohickey was claiming to see for the first time were ones that Borglum had originally planned on including in his work: buttons for Washington's coat, Lincoln's hand grasping his coat collar, etc. Maybe those details were always there, and he and the other Mandela-Effecters hadn't noticed because they were, er, unobservant before they became so paranoid?

Or maybe…just maybe…the statues were completing themselves? It didn't bear thinking about, particularly in the age of historical revisionism, when crowds assembled to argue about monuments. I mean, we really don't want all those Confederate generals getting off their plinths and Rebel yelling around, do we now? Not to mention the horses…

All this research was making me tired. I had planned to rewatch my favourite movie featuring Mount Rushmore…Skins, by director Chris Eyre. The one where Graham Greene's ghost inspires another actor to throw red paint on Washington's head. But I was sleepier than I thought, so I took a nap for a few minutes at my desk.

I woke with a jerk. My Youtube notifications were beeping like mad. Usually, I only get a few every day, when the Parody Project guy has a new video, or Maru the Cat climbs into another box, or the increasingly unfunny comedians have to apologise to everybody for calling somebody something rude…but this frantic notifying was new in my experience. Somebody was getting creative.

Washington's stickpin says 'MAGA'!

Jefferson is fiddling with worry beads!

Lincoln's arm is emerging!

Teddy Roosevelt is carrying a big stick!

I stared in horror as the tale unfolded in shaky video clips. Eventually, Youtube couldn't keep up with the 'Mandela changes'. I was forced to go to Twitter. Sure enough, #MtRushmoremadness was trending. I watched the drama continue in real time, 280 characters at a clip. First the statues built themselves, more or less exactly as Borglum had modelled. I say, 'more or less': Washington looked a bit more regal, Jefferson more haughtily intellectual, Lincoln more humble…and TR had put on his glasses, the better to look for a stone horse, I suspected. But then it got worse.

Next, the statues exceeded their sculptor's brief. Tweet after tweet documented the emergence of legs. Not since the airline-ejection crisis of 2017 have I seen such tweeting. The bird-wire was on fire. At first, the tweeters appeared to be having fun. The Mandela conspiracists were yelling 'I TOLD YOU SO!' Capslocks appeared to be stuck…

Panic didn't begin to set in until Washington took his first step. At 500+-feet tall, it was an impressive step. The next one was a giant leap for statuekind. The earth shook, literally. At least, South Dakota did. Soon he was joined by the other giants of American history. The internet trembled.

Their first act was to shake hands. After all, they were all very polite gentlemen. George and Tom hadn't seen each other for about 200 years, and they needed to introduce themselves to TR and Abe. Once these formalities were accomplished, they set off in a southeasterly direction. Speculation was rife, but when I saw the GPS chart of their progress, I shuddered inwardly. Had these former presidents somehow got the memo about what was going on in the nation's capital? Were they planning on doing something about it?

Even 500-foot statues can't cross 1651.9 miles that quickly. Not even when the various state highway patrols cleared I-90 East for their exclusive use. The Air Force staged periodic flyovers, but rejected all suggestions involving missiles – after all, the sculptures were federally protected. Once a helicopter got too close, and Roosevelt swatted it away, which did the crew no good at all. After that, the newspeople kept a respectful distance, and the nation watched and waited, glued to their electronic devices, as the earth-pounding continued inexorably in the direction of Washington, DC, for a full 24 hours.

By dawn's early light, the quartet of angry ex-presidents reached the capital city named for one of them. Without hesitation, deviation, or repetition, they proceeded to the White House, Tweet Capital of the Western World. Press babbling on cable news reached a frenzied crescendo: what would they do? With a nod of understanding to one another, the four figures took up their stations at the four corners of the august building. Then, with a mighty heave, they raised the White House. No, they didn't raze it. They just lifted it, turned it over, and shook it. Politicians and staff members tumbled out and scurried for cover in the Rose Garden. One in particular, in a bathrobe, was heard to yell something about, 'The biggest moving statues in history! Incredible ratings' before he dived behind a Secret Service vehicle.

The statues restored the White House to its full (well, empty) upright position, and returned it gently to the lawn at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. They nodded to one another in solemn satisfaction. Then….

They turned and headed southwest, down I-85. This time, Lincoln was leading the way. He had a very determined expression on his face.

Reporters followed in cars, vans, and helicopters. I decided to go back to sleep. After all, it is going to take them ten-and-a-half hours to get to Stone Mountain, 637.5 miles away. A little longer, if they stop in Richmond to round up horses along Monument Boulevard. They also need to swing by Walmart for some lichen spray…

I figure by that time, the Mandela Effect will have woken up Jeff Davis, Stonewall Jackson, and General Lee. This should be interesting.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

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