Then said he unto them, Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old.

Matthew 13: 52, Authorised (Public Domain) Version

'Megalomaniacs are all alike,' commented the Fourth Doctor. How did he know? He'd been reading the scripts.

There is a very bad habit 21st-century audiences and readers have: they crave novelty. Not too much, mind: they still want a fantasy story, or one with superheroes or whatever. But they want it to seem new. Which usually adds up to 'change the nationality of the villain – and by all means, hire the right actor, so they won't accuse us of cultural appropriation.' They don't seem to notice that the fact that the superheroes are still going through their obligatory moves as they storm the ice palace/underground lair/orbital death factory means they're watching the same story as last week.

I actually remember a romance writer explaining in an interview that her latest male love interest was a 'new' character. How? 'He has blond hair and blue eyes,' she said. 'A real departure from my green-eyed, dark-haired heroes.'

Don't laugh. Admit it: half the time, you're trolling Netflix for a film or series that's more or less the same as the ones you've enjoyed before. Only with 'different' chase scenes, 'different' protagonists, 'different' villains.

Do yourself a favour: go back and watch 'Deep Space Nine'. The episodes where Dr Bashir plays a parody of James Bond. How can you tell these are James Bond plots? Uh-huh.

Nothing wrong with that approach to entertainment. It tends to bore me, but I'm weird. If I can't remember the plot after I've seen something – if the plots of a genre run together – I feel cheated. This week, I've finished watching 'Counterpart', a very clever series about parallel universes connected through a portal in Berlin. I loved all the actors and their split-screen technique. The series made me thoughtful, as it was meant to, about the legacy of the Cold War.

Now, I'm watching 'De Twaalf'/'The Twelve', a Belgian series about a jury trial. I am fascinated, though also alarmed, at the goings-on in Ghent. Okay, the cops are believable. Yes, falsifying evidence and having a vendetta against a suspect is something that is all too familiar. But mobiles in a courthouse? News people with internet access in a courtroom? This isn't allowed in the US. They confiscate all the phones going in. Also: their voir dire process was astoundingly simple. Where are the jury consultants?

On the other hand, I adore the defence attorney. He has the most Flemish beard I've ever seen outside of a Dutch Masters portrait. I'm watching in Flemish with English subtitles, which works for me. I am alarmed to discover that a certain English swear word I can't put here has become common in Flemish. F-bombs, seriously? Have you no cuss words of your own, you people?

As I've said, I prefer a little more variety to my fiction than 'it follows the genre rules, and the heroine is way cute.' But, writers protest, that's too hard. (Lazy writers.) We don't want to make up original stories. How will we know if anybody will like them? How will we make them….the word of the decade, 'relatable'?

I'll tell you how, children. By remembering what the Doctor said. All megalomaniacs are alike. In other words, when humans do certain things, there are a certain limited number of things that can go wrong or right. Humans have a repertoire of responses. Want to find an original response? Be my guest.

For example: there's an old Western parody called 'Support Your Local Sheriff', starring James Garner. In it, Garner's very laid-back character is confronted by a man holding a gun. Garner calmly sticks his finger in the barrel of the gun.

'You can't do that!' the antagonist splutters. 'Besides, if I fire, it'll blow your finger off.'

Garner grins. 'Are you sure it won't back up and blow your hand off? Want to try?' The man backs down.

Okay, it's very Sixties, that movie. And funny. You can choose different ways to have your characters react. But their reactions depend on two things, and both of them are you. One is your understanding of human behaviour. The other is your own predilection. If all the characters in your story are prancing fools and conceited fairy princesses, that tells me where your preferences lie. If they're all projections of your inner desires, you may find a willing audience of people whose imaginations match yours. Go for it. But you can do more.

There's an old, short-lived Canadian series I like called 'The Dresden Files'. It's based on the novels by Jim Butcher. I'm not all that fond of the novels, but I really enjoyed the Canadian actors' version. Harry Dresden is a 'wizard'. Wait, don't groan yet. He has a shop. It's supposed to be in Chicago, but it's probably Montreal. Anyway, the place is a converted warehouse, and it's a dump. His familiar spirit is a long-dead Anglo-Saxon sorcerer named Bob (think Catweazel with dress sense). Bob lives in his own skull, which is a pretty good comment right there.

There is no glamour to the glamour here, if you get what I mean. The stories are funny and sad by turns, but what they aren't is an exercise in wish-fulfillment. The stories base their action on the understandable motivations of humans: their hopes, fears, affinities and rivalries.

How deep you're willing to go in exploring human motivation is entirely up to you. But even the most outrageously obvious parody, or the silliest adventure romp, or the most superficial I've-got-the-clothes-now-give-me-the-house romance, needs to be based on an understanding of human behaviour.

And remember: megalomaniacs are all alike. How about not inventing another one?

PS This does it for the 'Writing Right with Dmitri' column, at least for the foreseeable future. After nine years, I think I've more than done what I was originally asked to do by the previous Post Editor, who asked for a tip column for h2g2. Have fun on your own. I'm going to give myself more time to write instead of talking about it.

Also – and I can't believe I'm saying this – if you ever need any help with writing mechanics, you know where to reach me.

Writing Right with Dmitri Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

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