Urban Myths - The Tech Support Line
Created | Updated Oct 20, 2010
<B>Tech Support urban myths are one of the fastest growing branches of urban mythology, so what better place than the mysterious heart of H2G2, to build a repository of these fascinating stories. Please use the forum to help me build a tome of tales. All stories will of course be referenced (but not in the margin, <a href="http://www.h2g2.com/A120493">GIRR</a> rules)</B>
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Special thanks to the following for their contributions:
<BR/><a href="http://www.h2g2.com/U15551">Peta</a>
<BR/><a href="http://www.h2g2.com/U54363">Just zis Guy, you know?</a>
<BR/><a href="http://www.h2g2.com/U93295">Gw7en (the "7" is silent!) </a>
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<font face="" size="-1" color="Aqua">This is an allegedly true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however,he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
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Help Desk: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
<BR/>Help Desk: "What sort of trouble?"
<BR/>Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Went away?"
<BR/>Customer: "They disappeared."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
<BR/>Customer: "Nothing."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Nothing?"
<BR/>Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
<BR/>Customer: "How do I tell?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
<BR/>Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
<BR/>Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
<BR/>Customer: "What's a monitor?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
<BR/>Customer: "I don't know."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes, I think so."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
<BR/>Customer: ".......Yes, it is."
<BR/>Help Desk: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
<BR/>Customer: "...Okay, here it is."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
<BR/>Customer: "I can't reach."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
<BR/>Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Dark?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Well, turn on the office light then."
<BR/>Customer: "I can't."
<BR/>Help Desk: "No? Why not?"
<BR/>Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
<BR/>Help Desk: "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
<BR/>Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
<BR/>Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
<BR/>Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
<BR/>Help Desk: <b>"Tell them you're too f****g stupid to own a computer."</b>
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<HR/>
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At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
Annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of
a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system
error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning
that The Computer was going to blow up.
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<HR/>
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
<BR/>Customer: "Ok."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this Point?"
<BR/>Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."(At
this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the Tech
Support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
<BR/>Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
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One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the
batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the
first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
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<HR/>
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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
<BR/>Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
<BR/>Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
<BR/>Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
<BR/>Customer: "What?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
<BR/>Customer: "No..."
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<HR/>
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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
<BR/>Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
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Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
<BR/>Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
<BR/>Customer: "I can't open the box."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
from there."
<BR/>Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
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<HR/>
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Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file name'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and
type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
<BR/>Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
again."
<BR/>Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It can't
help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter key?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command
or file name'."
<BR/>Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
<BR/>Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
'M' key...does that matter?
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<HR/>
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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
<BR/>Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."
<BR/>Customer: "What is that?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
<BR/>Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
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<HR/>
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Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk and now my A: drive won't work."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
<BR/>Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"
<BR/>Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out. That didn't work either."
<BR/>Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
<BR/>Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
<BR/>Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that
got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke
and defective."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the
call on the speakerphone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just said?"
<BR/>Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
eject button?"
<BR/>Silence.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Sir?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
<BR/>Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my computer!"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the
disk out?"
<BR/>Customer: "Ummmm."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record
every call and have it on tape?"
<BR/>Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
<BR/>Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day."
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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
<BR/>Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
<BR/>Customer: "What do you mean?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
<BR/>Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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Overheard in a computer shop:
<BR/>Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
<BR/>Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
<BR/>Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Yeah."
<BR/>Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
<BR/>Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
<BR/>Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
<BR/>Customer: [click]
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Customer: "My computer crashed!"
<BR/>Tech Support: "It crashed?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
<BR/>Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
<BR/>Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Huh?"
<BR/>Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
<BR/>Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem that I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
<BR/>I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
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A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
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A user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the click buttons were difficult to press. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
<BR/>Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
<BR/>Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
<BR/>Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialised."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
<BR/>Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialise it?'"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
<BR/>Customer: "After they were initialised, all the disks appeared to be blank.
<BR/>And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
<BR/>The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen.
<BR/>"What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
<BR/>The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
<BR/>It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
<BR/>Me: "Don't touch me!"
<BR/>Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
<BR/>Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing.
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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
<BR/>Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
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<HR/>
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Email from a friend:
<BR/>"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago.
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One of the girl's here thought she was a very clever person, degree and all that. Shown how to use the fax when she arrived. After a while her boss, who was another woman realised that a load of faxes hadn't arrived at their destinations. Questioned the girl, who said yes she was faxing them correctly. It went on, still missing faxes. So the girl was asked to show her boss - how she was doing it. During the demo the girl put the paper in the fax the wrong way up. The boss said, that's not the way you were told to do it, and the girl said Oh I know that - It's just that I discovered it goes through so much quicker this way up.
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My MIL worked for the helpdesk of a major brewery and leisure chain. The following actually happened to her:
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Asked to send in a copy of the floppy disk, the user mailed a photocopy....
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Asked to send in the floppy disk, the user stapled it to a covering letter explaining that he needed it back as it was his only copy....
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On receiving a new floppy, the user opened the "envelope" and wndered why it wouldn't work. It was a 5 1/4" disk, and he had taken the magnetic disk out of the case....
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A gentleman just called in and in a frenzied and harried voice asked me, "How do I install the Question Mark on my keyboard?" I almost chocked myself not laughing and told him where the key is on his keyboard. </font>
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Special thanks to the following for their contributions:
<BR/><a href="http://www.h2g2.com/U15551">Peta</a>
<BR/><a href="http://www.h2g2.com/U54363">Just zis Guy, you know?</a>
<BR/><a href="http://www.h2g2.com/U93295">Gw7en (the "7" is silent!) </a>
<HR/>
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<font face="" size="-1" color="Aqua">This is an allegedly true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however,he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
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Help Desk: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
<BR/>Help Desk: "What sort of trouble?"
<BR/>Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Went away?"
<BR/>Customer: "They disappeared."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
<BR/>Customer: "Nothing."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Nothing?"
<BR/>Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
<BR/>Customer: "How do I tell?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
<BR/>Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
<BR/>Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
<BR/>Customer: "What's a monitor?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
<BR/>Customer: "I don't know."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes, I think so."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
<BR/>Customer: ".......Yes, it is."
<BR/>Help Desk: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
<BR/>Customer: "...Okay, here it is."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
<BR/>Customer: "I can't reach."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
<BR/>Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Dark?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Well, turn on the office light then."
<BR/>Customer: "I can't."
<BR/>Help Desk: "No? Why not?"
<BR/>Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
<BR/>Help Desk: "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
<BR/>Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
<BR/>Help Desk: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
<BR/>Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
<BR/>Help Desk: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
<BR/>Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
<BR/>Help Desk: <b>"Tell them you're too f****g stupid to own a computer."</b>
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
Annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of
a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system
error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning
that The Computer was going to blow up.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
<BR/>Customer: "Ok."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
<BR/>Customer: "No."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this Point?"
<BR/>Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."(At
this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the Tech
Support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
<BR/>Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
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<HR/>
<P/>
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the
batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the
first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
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<HR/>
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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
<BR/>Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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<HR/>
<P/>
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
<BR/>Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
<BR/>Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
<BR/>Customer: "What?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
<BR/>Customer: "No..."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
<BR/>Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
<BR/>Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
<BR/>Customer: "I can't open the box."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
from there."
<BR/>Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file name'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and
type 'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
<BR/>Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'
again."
<BR/>Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place. It can't
help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter key?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command
or file name'."
<BR/>Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
<BR/>Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
'M' key...does that matter?
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
<BR/>Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."
<BR/>Customer: "What is that?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
<BR/>Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk and now my A: drive won't work."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
<BR/>Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"
<BR/>Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out. That didn't work either."
<BR/>Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
<BR/>Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
<BR/>Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that
got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke
and defective."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the
call on the speakerphone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just said?"
<BR/>Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
eject button?"
<BR/>Silence.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Sir?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yes."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
<BR/>Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my computer!"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the
disk out?"
<BR/>Customer: "Ummmm."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record
every call and have it on tape?"
<BR/>Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
<BR/>Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
<BR/>Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
<BR/>Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
<BR/>Customer: "What do you mean?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
<BR/>Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Overheard in a computer shop:
<BR/>Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
<BR/>Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
<BR/>Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Yeah."
<BR/>Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
<BR/>Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
<BR/>Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
<BR/>Customer: [click]
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
<BR/>Tech Support: "It crashed?"
<BR/>Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
<BR/>Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
<BR/>Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Huh?"
<BR/>Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
<BR/>Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem that I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.
<BR/>I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
A user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the click buttons were difficult to press. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
<BR/>Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
<BR/>Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
<BR/>Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialised."
<BR/>Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
<BR/>Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialise it?'"
<BR/>Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
<BR/>Customer: "After they were initialised, all the disks appeared to be blank.
<BR/>And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
<BR/>The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen.
<BR/>"What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
<BR/>The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
<BR/>It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
<BR/>Me: "Don't touch me!"
<BR/>Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
<BR/>Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
<BR/>Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
<BR/>Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
Email from a friend:
<BR/>"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
One of the girl's here thought she was a very clever person, degree and all that. Shown how to use the fax when she arrived. After a while her boss, who was another woman realised that a load of faxes hadn't arrived at their destinations. Questioned the girl, who said yes she was faxing them correctly. It went on, still missing faxes. So the girl was asked to show her boss - how she was doing it. During the demo the girl put the paper in the fax the wrong way up. The boss said, that's not the way you were told to do it, and the girl said Oh I know that - It's just that I discovered it goes through so much quicker this way up.
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
My MIL worked for the helpdesk of a major brewery and leisure chain. The following actually happened to her:
<P/>
Asked to send in a copy of the floppy disk, the user mailed a photocopy....
<P/>
Asked to send in the floppy disk, the user stapled it to a covering letter explaining that he needed it back as it was his only copy....
<P/>
On receiving a new floppy, the user opened the "envelope" and wndered why it wouldn't work. It was a 5 1/4" disk, and he had taken the magnetic disk out of the case....
<P/>
<HR/>
<P/>
A gentleman just called in and in a frenzied and harried voice asked me, "How do I install the Question Mark on my keyboard?" I almost chocked myself not laughing and told him where the key is on his keyboard. </font>
