Important Things... ><>
1) Beware of metaphors; they are dangerously deceptive. Oh, similes are fine. They just compare two like objects. But to say THIS thing is THAT thing, that's crazy. How much is lost in the transition?
2) Never refer to people as sheep, both for the above reason, and because every other sheep is a ram. Ever seen a ram? Right, then.
3) The German for "Kill all the Jews" sounds much like the German for "Do you like my moustache?" 11 million people might have died because Adolph grew a lovely little Chaplin. None of that's true, of course, but it could have been.
4) Terry Pratchett references can diffuse any given situation.
5) The Three Stooges were all brothers, and all were graduates of Ivy league schools. What the hell?
6)Tom Green has testicular cancer. That's the funniest cancer of all! I'm pretty sure that's bona-fide proof in the existence of God. Picture it:
"All right, the silent treatment isn't working. They just shrugged off the whole Fatima thing. Even the f*-*-*g Anti-christ committed suicide in a s*-*-*y bunker. I need to do something desperate... a stroke of irony so heavy-handed that even the thickest athiest can't shrug it off. Say... who's that guy smearing dog s*-*t on a microphone?"
7) As the above shows, I can no longer tell when I'm being sarcastic... Bad sign.
Other 7) If the Kool-Aid man was trapped on a deserted island, would he drink himself?
3rd 7) I'm pretty sure whiskey is also proof in the existence of God. Why else would a toxic solvent, used to sterilize surgical equipment, be so wonderful? I'll take Divine Providence for $500, Trebec.
8) A leather glove.
9)Midgets, Monkeys, and Spam. Three things that are always funny, have always been funny, and will continue to be funny forever, or at least until the day the monkeys take over the world. Opposable toes, see. The can grip a rifle with their feet. Natural evolutionary advantage. At least until Spam grows teeth.
After that, all bets are off.
10) Those little tiny white pumpkins they sell around Halloween-time are PUNK-f*-*-*g-RAWK!
11)Live Nude Shakespeare: wait'll you see our King Lear
12)My spit tastes like vodka.
13) Would the world really be any better if we destroyed all the nuclear weapons? Better question: would the world be a better place if we castrated one politician for every new missile built? I think we all know the answer to that.
14) If it weren't for the United States, would Canada even exist anymore? Because I'm pretty sure Mexico could take them. Geez. That'd be the saddest war since the Bloodless Coup of Emperor Norton.
15) If Aliens landed tommorrow piloting enormous flying crucifixes in order to kidnap the Pope, and they all looked like Elvis, I wouldn't be one bit surprised.
16) I saw a male hitchiker the other day wearing a dress and holding a chainsaw. I almost picked him up because, frankly, the story behind that is probably worth being ritually slaughtered for.
|-- Meet The H²G² Guardian Angels -- Archangel Zax* - P. S. of Alcoholic Indulgence Saint Ioreth - P. S. of Happy AccidentsSaint Jeltz - P. S. of Poetic LicenseSaint Benji - P. S. of the Barking MadSaint Tweetie - P. S. of Impossible EscapesSaint "Asteroid" Lil - P. S. of Graphic Detail Saint Mike - P. S. of Metal FatigueSaint Thistle - P. S. Prickly Personalities Saint Angel - P. S. of Double EntendrésSaint Cheese - P. S. of Long LunchesSaint Lisa - P. S. of Unrequited LoveSaint Cloughie - P. S. of Flying PigsSaint Big 'Evil' Dan - P.S. of Weekendism Saint (Doctor) John - P.S. of the Chemically ChallengedSaint Cutlery - P.S. of Cutting RemarksSaint KoRn BaLl - P.S. of Corny RemarksSaint Irving Washington - P.S. of the Highly StrungSaint Bruce - P.S. of the Pixelly ChallengedSaint Sporkulious Eglon - P.S. of Creative TruthsSaint Justin - P.S. of Paper-CutsSaint Technicolor Yawn - P.S. of the Morally MoribundSaint Zoë - P.S. of the Painfully ShySaint Possum - P.S. of Creatures of the NightSaint Jester - P.S. of Village Idiots Saint SBWTTtToaSCPN&SFSNTbCToO - P.S. of BrevityTaco-Chako - P.S. of Mixed MetaphorsSilent Bob - P.S. of the Silent Majority|
|Angel List courtesy of The Archangel Zax*|
Check out The Myth by Argon0
|Messages left for this Researcher||Posted|
|Party Invitation !!!||Nov 12, 2000|
|Taco ROUNDUP||Jun 13, 2000|
|"___________"||May 17, 2000|
|Conversation Title||Latest Post||Latest Reply|
|When I was a kid...||Sep 4, 2000||Sep 4, 2008|
|All right, but what place has the SHORTEST name?||Sep 27, 2000||Aug 16, 2008|
|Disrespecting the Man||Sep 15, 2000||Feb 20, 2007|
|Huh?||Mar 31, 2000||Sep 10, 2006|
|Opening a Scab?||Oct 2, 2000||Mar 22, 2006|
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