Dr. Deckchair Funderlik
**Transcript Starts**Dr. Funderlik was born in 1923 on the shores of lake Como in what is today known as "Italy". Modern detractors claim that his place of birth was one of the things that caused Dr. Funderlik to become, in their words: " A vandal, a sexual deviant and a wholesale liar who deserves to be buried inside a fridge, in a very deep hole." However, these critics ignore the fact that, in 1923, giving birth on the shore of a lake was all the fashion. And, further, as Dr. Funderlik's mother testifies: " You have to remember that women were so much more innocent in those days. I wasn't even sure that I was having a baby. I had kind of hoped that it was a balloon."
When he was aged 5, Dr. Funderlik's family moved to Antwerp, in what is today known as "Belgium". The move was an event that he would always look back on as something that changed his life forever. This was most particularly as his family didn't actually tell him they were moving. He was found wandering around the town square eating an ice cream by his Uncle Beaver, a local merchant. Under the auspices of Uncle Beaver, Funderlik was sent to work in a coal mine near Bruges. Here, his keen sense of humor, willingness to help others and positive outlook quickly led him to become hated by everybody. At the age of eleven, he was sacked from the mine. With funds from Uncle Beaver, Funderlik took a tramp steamer to China. Progress was slow, though the steamed tramps were popular and sold well.
It was in China that Funderlik began to write what was to become his magnum opus: " The Grand Unified Theory of Everything ", with its famous opening line, now known to millions of school children all over the world: " There is some stuff, see, and then there is more stuff mixed in, so that makes a lump, and then, you see, there isn't just one lump, there's loads - like millions - and all these lumps add up and when you add them up, you get everything." Albert Einstein, on reading the theory, reportedly said " So, that's where all the stuff went". The book made Funderlik's name. He was photographed by the Great Lizard Popsty and painted blue by Picasso.
On the outbreak of war, Funderlik wrote to the British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and said : " It wasn't my fault. I was in the park, feeding pigeons. " Churchill - ever polite - wrote back to Funderlik and said that he perfectly understood that the war wasn't Funderlik's fault. He invited Funderlik to help the war effort by becoming Churchill's dogsbody. So Funderlik spent the war in the now famous bunker in London, only nipping out every now and then to buy Churchill a milkshake.
When the war ended, Funderlik decided to marry his childhood sweetheart, Mina Gubnugget, who had been employed by the war ministry because here nose was sensitive to enemy radar. They married in the small but picturesque village of "Nasty under Arm" near the town of "Dollop" in what is today known as "Dorset". Many people came to the occasion, including the young popster, Cliff Richard, though he wasn't invited.
After the wedding, Funderlik wrote the book which made him even more famous then the first one. It was really small, and was called " The little book of things ". Each page featured one thing. On one page there was a tractor, for instance. On another, a snooker ball. The book became the big craze of the summer of 1958. Everyone wanted to read it and point out to each other which thing was on what page. In 1959, " The little book of even more things " was released, and it too became a national best seller. The young popster, Cliff Richard, wrote the forward, though no one asked him, and no one really wanted him too anyway.
In 1975 Dr. Funderlik was fired into space by the Soviet Union. They did it using a big catapult. Brezniev is reported to have said " I hope that he never comes back ". The Russian Army and politbureau members and the newsagency was on hand to witness the event. But, on that occasion, the catapult was not strong enough, and Funderlick landed in a nearby haystack. FBI agents found him and smuggled him to Chicago on a tramp steamer. One of the FBI agents, rather spookily, went under the somewhat odd code name of: !!!. J. Edgar Hoover told Funderlik that the tramps were delicious, but Funderlik later said that he couldn't concentrate because he spent the whole interview trying not to laugh at the name "Hoover", and of course, also the name: "".
In the eighties, Funderlik and his wife separated over a dispute about the number of two letter words allowed in a game of Scrabble. Funderlik moved to Madrid where he wrote a manual for people who can't decide what to do. It was called " Just go and bloody well do something. " And it was probably his biggest mistake. Critics lashed out at the book, calling it an unjustified and badly spelled heap of disturbing nonsense.
In the nineties Hoover and the FBI raided Funderlik's fridge. Boris Yeltsin took his collection of Phil Collins CD's. Yeltsin reportedly later remarked to an aid "This Phil Collins CD "Hits", that is a capitalist spelling mistake - the "s" is in the wrong place." Oh, they laughed and laughed. Funderlik was less fortunate. He ended up in a doss house in Barcelona, in what is today known as "Spain". These days, he spends his time dribbling, shouting, eating cake and occasionally tapping the remaining thoughts into his keyboard. Cliff Richard calls round some times, but Funderlik just tells him to
Dr Funderlik writes a column every week for the h2g2 Post. He also heroically maintains a personal journal, while simultaneously being an ace, a scout and a community artist. Here is what others have had to say about him:
OK, so there is a story behind this one, but it is long, bizzare and confusing as Henry Kelly on Classic FM, so I'll spare you the details..
The first rule of Fluffernutter sandwich is don't mention ... etc..
I like the 'convoluted route bit..
Well, a personal endorsment from an italic, no less. I wont be needing my bus pass then ... (he says knowingly)
I know the feeling.
Yes, and I recommend you all take JEllen's advice. Cheers once again!
Sadly not. I can claim to be a falsely talented one though.
Yes, my psychiatrist is of the same professional opinion. We are now working on finding the exact spoon.
I absolutely agree. Any offers?
Fellow community artist Amy's kind response to my conjecture that I only have two readers.
Yes, Greebo and Shazz and now MaW - the hard working Post people who provide me with such a fine platform for my dribbling nonesense.
A whole office! minus one devout Christian. I did ask Bob to show them. It was about Jesus eating his way out of a chocolate egg.
I wrote something about films. Can't for the life of me remember what... Anyway Awix really is the Post film bod and his reviews are always well worth a read.
Another big shout - cheers!
Thanks to fellow Wittgensteinian scholar and all round musical genius Recumbentman
Yes, there is another long story behind this one too...
And I would like to add that I am equally delighted to find a reader with such obvious taste, refinement and good sense as rooftiler. Cheers once again!
Now, I must explain here that I put this in solely for comic effect. It might look like Gosho is being a bit heavy, but actually, he had a really good point in the actual context from which I have shamelessly removed this quote. And he is also a very congenial and reasonable character - and well worth a read too.
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Name: Dr Deckchair Funderlik
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