Doghouse Tails
Created | Updated Jul 16, 2003
Fashion, Fahrenheit and Farnham
So it doesn't have to be Farnham. It could be Guildford or Godalming or Esher or Epsom even. It is however surely a Surrey phenomenon? One could possibly argue that it is a bulldog British phenomenon - this extraordinary lapse of fashion style that soaring and unnatural temperatures bequeath upon our comfortably frigid island nation.
It happens to be here - in Surrey - now. Possession being nine tenths of the law - I stake my claim.
The temperature is heading towards the 90-degree reading. The high street is bathed in a midweek 'why on earth are we open?' lethargy - knowing that nobody in their right mind is going to navigate the humming doggy doo's to do battle with a supermarket raped of salad and barbecued chicken wings with intermittent air conditioning being their only reward.
Oh look there's Roger of the retailers. Whoever told him he could do T-shirts and shorts AND socks? Roger, trust me, men only look good in shorts if they have tennis legs. You do not have tennis legs. You have Arsenal 'I wish I were taller' legs. Your T- shirt would be a frock (a tent actually), on a female of similar age... a pregnant female of similar age to be more precise. You are married - has your wife no input into the sock department? No she works. She leaves home before you hit the toaster- she will hate you forever.
Why do men believe that when the sun comes out they can divest themselves of outer garments and look good? They don't. It is not a pretty sight. It is certainly not a good pulling ploy. 'Suits' who order flowers for their loving spouses on a regular Saturday morning basis suddenly and impetuously enter the shop midweek (having pulled the 'Oh look the sun's shining sickie'), in Hawaiian short sleeved shirts, and then they have the temerity to believe they can flirt. Dear God they can't even flirt well in suits, and they look good in suits. What possesses them to believe that when they metamorphosis into Timmy Mallet they can steal the mantle of fanciability that is Alan Rickman? Believe me boys it only works in movies. Brad Pitt can get away with it, Kevin Costner even... Beckham as long as he doesn't attempt conversation but you lot... Please!
Good heavens! What does she think she looks like? Sashaying around in sarongs in Singapore may be fine madam but at your age, and with your figure? I do believe that Sainsbury's could invoke their 'right to refuse' policy. Bad enough that you are an 'in denial' weight watchers recruit, but Mary Quant black and white prints on the oversized marquee you are passing off as clothing is truly treachery. Do you have a full sized mirror at home?
Oh for Heaven's sake what do you think you are doing? You may well be a designer mummy but the poor child is going to melt. Bright red dress and knotted handkerchief on head may look terrific in the baby Gap adverts but they are not meant to be taken literally... the child is going to have a seizure. Why don't you just let the poor mite take all her clothes off, smother her in factor thirty, raise the parasol and walk in the shade... better still leave her with the nanny by the pool and go and have your nails done.
I see that lovely Lucy has the right idea. South facing shop and not a customer in sight so put the sun lounger outside, don the bikini and wave at passing ghetto blasters... well with your figure why not?
'Would you like an ice cream? My treat'
Good Lord! I have staff... I'd completely forgotten. A random Saturday girl filling in for extra pocket money... that's why I haven't had to work all day.
'A curry would be more suitable.'
'A curry!? Are you mad?'
So nice to have respect.
'Dear child your education is lacking. Think about it. In India they eat curry all the time. In Thailand they eat food that takes the roof of your mouth apart in sections. In the middle-east they drink mint tea, hot mint tea, In the Mediterranean they drink thick black coffee, hot thick black coffee. No one who lives in a hot country has anything cold before nightfall. The only people who eat ice cream in hot countries are the British and what thanks do they get for it? Diarrhoea.'
Which is a pretty close analogy to my random ramblings. What is it with this country and heat and fashion? We just don't understand it. We certainly don't 'do' it.
Was that a rumble of thunder?
Thank God! The brolly brigade will save the fashion day.
