In Other Words
Created | Updated Oct 10, 2003
Today, I was forced to relive one of the most terrifying experiences of my childhood.
No, I didn't get a shot or have a cavity filled... I was taken through (bum bum BUM!) An AUTOMATIC CARWASH!! AAAAAH! It brought back the worst memories. 'NOOOO!' I'd scream, 'It's going to EAT ME!!!' And who's to say it wasn't going to? Pulling your unsuspecting vehicle into that damp, dark place filled with terrifying, whirling, sucking, squirting DEMONS! As the car is being cleaned, I'm clutching my chair, white-knuckled and wide-eyed, nearly hyperventilating. Then I can't take it any longer, and I burst into a blood-curdling scream, whereupon I'm promptly shot in the leg with a powerful tranquilliser by my mom. I am of course just speculating, I really don't remember.
What is it with these crazy fears we have? Why was I so afraid of the dark that I refused to get up and go to the bathroom at night, no matter how close I was to an extreme bladder infection? And why do some people actually enjoy being scared? What kind of crazy lunatic would willingly allow themselves to be strapped inside a roller coaster that
reaches top speeds of 80 mph and takes you upside down, on loops, over, under, through a vat of molten lava, and on a direct path through the digestive system of some previously extinct dinosaur? If someone told ME that I had to go on one of those awful things, I'd break down and cry until security dragged my convulsing body out of the amusement park. I'd rather eat partially digested brussel sprouts. And how about those folks who enjoy horror movies? Look psychos, if I want to see some poor unsuspecting broad get hacked to pieces with an axe, I'll go backstage during the final rounds of a beauty pageant. I get enough of an adrenaline rush from going 40 in a 35 mph zone. Ooh, I'm livin' on the edge now! But maybe it's just me. I am, after all, an extremely large chicken1. Here's a short list of everything I've ever been afraid of:
- Automatic carwashes
- Roller Coasters
- Horror Movies
- Dead People
- The Dark
- Loud-flushing toilets
- The theme music to the soap opera, 'The Young and the Restless'
- Halloween
- Cross Dressers
- Albinos
And that's condensed. I think I may have been tortured as a child; I had really scary freaky dreams that made me want to cry. Which I did. If any child in the history of children needed serious therapy, I think it may have been me.
'So tell me, Katie. What is it you're scared of?'
'Oh, everything.'
'Oh, come now. You can't be afraid of everything, now can you! Here, would you like to hold this stuffed dinosaur I have?'
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' (I run screaming and flailing out the door)
I don't understand why anyone would ever want to be scared. I'd rather stay safely locked inside my brightly lit room, tied to my bed, clutching my teddy bear and humming The Rainbow Connection to myself, just like I do every night.
Fear is a funny thing. Some people enjoy the feeling of being frightened (I call them 'stoopid'), whereas other people find it mind-bogglingly unnecessary (I call them 'me'). Personally, I'm afraid of everything. I'm not exaggerating. Absolutely everything. I swear on my dead grandmother's grave, if you EVER sneak up on me in the dark and scare me, I will personally RIP your EYES out and feed them to your DOG. If you don't have a dog, I'll eat them MYSELF! Just ask Chauncey or Skullock - more than once they've experienced the Wrath of DZ when they tried to scare me. 'WHAT IN THE BL**DY HELL ARE YOU DOING?! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?! DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?! DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?! GET OUT OF MY CLOSET! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!' It's after that that I really start freaking out.
Whatever your scare style is, I just have one thing to say - I don't care. No I will not go to the cemetery at night with you, no I will not watch Night of the Living Dead with you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check under my bed and in my closet before I go to bed. Sweet dreams.
Your Little h2g2'er,
