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Cow Patty Bingo

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Cow Patty Bingo is a form of gambling. It is proof that anyone will gamble on anything they have at their disposal, including - perhaps most certainly - livestock. Since it is gambling, and since it is gambling about cow patties, some pious people frown upon this activity, which resides on the fringes of popularity and taste.

In many US communities, it's about as sinful as a church raffle, but much more unclean and a lot more fun. There is nothing quite like watching a thousand people sitting in the bleachers, screaming and waving their arms and cheering, waiting for a cow to drop.

The idea of Cow Patty Bingo is for people to gamble on where the cow will drop a patty first. Urination does not count. It must be a full dump that can clearly be seen by the judges, who will probably be plastered with beer by this time.

How to Get Started

First, you need a cow. It is true that any other type of cattle or livestock would probably do, but since this is cow bingo, using any other kind of animal is against the spirit of the game.

In their 1989 album Root Hog or Die, American music artists1 Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper recorded a song called 'The Chicken Drop' which was about playing Cow Patty Bingo with a chicken. But, somehow, it just wasn't the same.

Next, you will need a fenced plot of land in which to let the cow loose. When this crazy idea was first devised (probably by some drunk farmers), the farmland in which the cow normally grazed was sufficient. As the game increased in popularity, facilities were needed where all participants could readily view the heffer and cheer her on.

Many communities use the football field of the local high school, all to the chagrin of the local high school football team. This plot is divided into numbered squares in a way that will make the divisions recognisable to the average human but won't upset the cow. Spraypainting the grass, for example, may make things easier on the audience, but could needlessly poison the animal. Also bear in mind that the more the organisers divide the field, the more tickets they can sell.

Here's How it Works

The organisers inform everyone in the community that there's going to be a Cow Patty Bingo contest and offer you tickets for five dollars a person. When someone buys a ticket, that ticket also entitles them to a seat in the bleachers near the field so they can watch the cow. Each ticket has a number on it that coincides with the numbered area in the field.

You rope off the area in which you will place the cow. No one is allowed to cross the rope and bug the cow, as that immediately disqualifies that player.

Friendly games between farmhands usually result in the winner receiving the entire pot of cash. However, Cow Patty Bingo is fast becoming popular with churches, hunting clubs, and other rural organizations, as a means of fundraising. If you bet on one of these fundraisers and win, you are very likely to receive only a percentage of the overall profits. On rare occasions, the winner may be given the pile of faeces in substitution of the cash.

1Some would question whether Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper were in fact musicians as they often just screamed obscenities into the microphone and played off-key.

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