I thought boys were supposed to be practical.

It's only fifteen-foot for heaven's sake. It can't be that difficult to put up. Pouting at it pensively won't help Tony. Trust me it isn't going to spring out of its netting, jump into the pot and throw five sets of lights around itself.

God I hate Christmas!

One Christmas tree to put up and decorate and there are more people on site than there are on a Spielberg set. OK maybe we do have to decorate the pool area as well and the dining room, and the posh sitting room. Oh, and yes there are extra vases going into the family room and amaryllis trees for the breakfast bar... breakfast bar... that's a laugh, it's longer than the long bar in Raffles. Perhaps we do need everyone.

Clarissa is shuffling around like a lost puppy, sweeping anything that happens in her path.

'No Clarissa not the Ming vases please they are meant to be there!'

'But they're on the floor?'

'They'd look a bit b****y stupid on the table. They're 6' tall.'

'But you told me to sweep up everything that was on the floor.'

Do we really need her? Couldn't I drown her in the pool?

'Will you please put that broom down and take the vase of white flowers up to the master bathroom. Not the bathroom next to the bedroom, turn left, go through the dressing room and the master bathroom is at the other end of the floor.'

Even our host realised that, were he caught short in the middle of the night, the master bathroom was a tad too far to leg it to and cleverly installed a second bathroom off the bedroom.

'But it's huge and really heavy. I'll never carry it up the stairs.'

'Take the lift.'

'There's a lift?'

Look at the eyes light up, it's only a lift for heaven's sake, hardly the ultimate in theme park rides.

'Yes there's a lift and don't go snooping around. Once you've done that you can put the Orchids in the loos.'

'How many for each loo?'

'Just the one.'

'But there are thirteen orchids.'

The child is a genius she can count beyond twelve.

'Y-e-e-e-e-s.'

'THERE ARE THIRTEEN LOOS?'

Oh nice line in dropped jaws Clarissa.

'Just go and find them. You'd better take what's her name with you...'

'Mirabell?'

'No I need Mirabell in the pool... the quiet one, where's she gone?'

'You mean Greta? She's outside, she's too scared to come in.'

'Well go and get her... and take a mobile, you're bound to get lost.'

Where on earth is Baleesha? Her plane should have landed at least two hours ago. Isn't it enough that I've had to pay a hijacker's ransom to Ryan Air so she can help on this gig? Can't they even land on time? Next time she does a sponsored triathlon. What is that smell?

*DINGALINGALINGALINGALING!*

Oh my god, it's the smoke alarms! I knew I should never have recommended Angela for the catering gig. She may be chef to the Gods but pyromania is more than a hobby - it's a passion. She's burnt her own house down once already.

'Angela!'

*DINGALINGALINGALINGALING!*

'Somebody open the doors! NO! Not you Tony - don't let go of that tree... SH*T!'

*CRASH... Tinkle... tinkle... tinkle.*

Perhaps he didn't need two Ming vases.

'ANGELA!'

'Sorry it's the wood in the Pizza oven, it's a bit wet.'

'Why are you using the Pizza oven?'

'I'm cooking the Guinea fowl in it; they taste so much nicer that way. Oh dear! You're not having much luck with the tree are you?'

'Just go back to the kitchen.'

Why is Mirabell mopping up the Ming so meticulously? It isn't going to go back together again. All the super glue in the world won't restore it to anything that slightly resembles its former glory... or even a vase.

'It's alreet, I kin use these bits fur 'is mirrur. They're reet pretty.' E'll like that, they kin go in't border.'

I had forgotten how multi-talented Mirabell is. Not only does she speak a foreign language but she is also a stage star waiting to be discovered and she creates 'Mirrurs'. Her latest project being the 6' x 4' homage to Thai culture that will eventually (once anyone has figured out a way of fixing it) reside in the changing room area of the pool. I suppose the Ming will add to its production value.

'I see nothing's changed in my absence. You're still as stuffing useless as always! Tony why are you lying under the tree? I do hope that's not blood on the carpet.'

'Baleesha! Where the b****y hell have you been? You should have been here an hour ago!'

'Nice to see you too. Patrick's van broke down... he's almost as useless as you are. He doesn't even know how to mend a fan belt. Luckily he did have a pair of tights to hand. You look b****y awful why is your eye all red? Conjunctivitis?'

'No.'

'And?'

'Lost lens.'

I hate her. No one else has even noticed.

'What do you mean lost lens? You haven't been trying to wear your contact lenses again have you?'

'It was the construction party last night... 'Posh frocks and tart's trotters.'

'You wore contact lenses for builder's bums? Serves you right. I bet you looked awful. You can't do tart's trotters, with your feet you can barely manage trainers.'

'She looked reet nice... we bowth wen... we look smashin... couldna walk tho.'

'And she is?'

'Sorry cow, this is Mirabell... she's an actress... she's resting.'

'Another useful addition to the team then.'

'She's got a good eye.'

'Well that makes up for yours. Where do you want me?'

'Pool. Jack sh*t arrangement on the bar... modern, tropical. I know, not your favourite, but there's a Blue Peter one I prepared earlier on the other end. Then two pedestals and seventy-five giant monstera leaves in the pool.'

'How big is the pool for god's sake?'

'Quite large. We had twenty leaves in it last night and they disappeared. There were a hundred and fifty people down there and it wasn't even a crush. Don't drop your jaw when you see it though, Clarissa thinks we're used to this kind of lifestyle.'

'It's nice... the house, b****y huge though.'

'Twenty thousand square feet huge and we've got three hours to dress it. It's the nobby party tonight... press, magazines, the whole works. You can come if you like.'

'Will there be suits?'

'Not a builders bum in sight... I promise.'

'OK, you're on. I'd better start. Tony, for g*d's sake get a move on with that tree, it's hardly a giant redwood!'

Dare I tell her? She'll kill me... oh sh*t here goes.

'They want a few floating candles in the pool. You might have to get in to light them, Mirabell can give you a hand.'

'I think I'm capable of lighting a few floating candles. How many exactly?'

I'm dead I know I am.

'I think I'll give Patrick a hand with his van, see you in a bit.'

'How many?'

'Five hundred... Byeeee!'

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