Perfect Mashed Potatoes Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything

Perfect Mashed Potatoes

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To the West, the potato is much like the cow to the Hindu religion: revered it is allowed to grow wherever it pleases, sometimes disrupting traffic for seasons at a time. Mashed potato is the highest form of the potato.


  • 6 medium Idaho potatoes, all of which should have been treated with the utmost respect during their lifetimes as a tuber, and which should be slightly below room temperature.

  • 4 cups of boiling water.

  • 2 stalks of the greenest celery, with the leaves intact.

  • 2 cloves of the smelliest, most pungent garlic cut in half.

  • 1 small white onion, chopped in half.

  • 2 or 3 tablespoons of the finest unsalted butter in the land.

  • 1 cup of unpasteurized cream, which has come from free-range, happy cows.


  1. Peel the potatoes, taking the utmost care to remove only the skin and not the flesh.

  2. Put the vegetables carefully into the water, taking care that no water splashes out of the pot. Don't put the potatoes in yet.

  3. Give the potatoes a warm bath in lukewarm water to get them acclimatized to warmer temperatures. Put the potatoes, carefully, in with the vegetables and water. Add salt to taste.

  4. Cover the pot and put it on medium heat until the potatoes are cooked - usually it will take 20 - 40 minutes.

  5. Once the potatoes are done, drain off the water, put the vegetables and potatoes in a bowl, carefully, and put in the cream, carefully, and the butter, carefully, and carefully mash it all up with a potato masher and serve.

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