Doghouse Tails
Created | Updated Jan 7, 2004
Brrrrrr Brrrrrrr
HELLO MARCIA! ...Happy New-Year dahling! You tried to get me yesterday? Oh good heavens I didn't surface till the sun was well over the yardarm. You missed the most divine New Year's Eve party. Yes, the one at the big house...what do you mean you weren't invited? Everyone who is anyone was invited! Oh dear, your invitation must have got lost in the post.
Where am I? The beauty parlour of course sweetie, the lovely Lucinda is filling me in on all the news and trying to salvage what's left of my nails. The festive season is so brutal on one's nails don't you think? Opening champagne bottles is savagery. Talking of nails there were a few talons out on New Year's eve - Oh yes I think we'll have the fantasy fuchsia today. No, not you dahling, I'm talking to Lucinda, they've got a divine new pink nail polish 'fantasy fuchsia' you must try it - oh OK... Marcia says happy New Year Lucinda and you haven't forgotten she's coming in at two? No she hasn't forgotten Marcia...and Lucinda says happy New Year to you.
How was Christmas? Oh good lord that was decades ago! One survived but then one has to. The children cooked which was nice. They like to do that it makes them feel their allowances are justified. What? No! It had nothing to do with the fact that they all went down with food poisoning last year when I cooked. How was I to know that a turkey takes more than four minutes to cook in a microwave? Eggs don't.
Ten for dinner it was a bit of a crush and there were a couple of tiny things somewhere but they managed to keep out of my way - grandchildren - I think that's what they're called; frightfully noisy and oyster noses...ghastly.
Gerald managed to stay sober until after the mince pies and then he had a slight altercation with the lavatory. I have to buy a new seat for it; he cracked it right down the middle. How is Gerald? Oh fine I think. The ambulance came and took him away... Of course I didn't go with him, a hostess cannot leave the party, besides he didn't have a clue who anyone was anyway. Can you imagine me sitting in NHS casualty? I think not. He's home now, two broken ribs they said - very inconvenient. He has to sleep on the sofa for three months. Imagine? the white sofa? I ordered new covers this morning. He's not allowed to do stairs - now if we'd had the lift put in when I suggested it...No I didn't suggest it because they had one in the big house, I just thought it was sensible. Well of course we could have fitted one in, can't they go on the outside?
Can you build that one up a teensy bit? No I'm not talking about the lift; I'm asking Lucinda to extend my nail. That reminds me... the talons - at the party dahling. Well, now Malcolm is back on the market again they are all chasing him... the hussies of course. Poor man he looks quite exhausted, rather a large smile on his face though, good to see him happy again.
You would not believe the outfits they had poured themselves into. Maude, you remember Maude? Yes Maude almost forty and not a husband in sight... well she may have had a lot of sex dahling but it's hardly a substitute for a pension. All right I know she's got a wonderful figure but I promise you if her leather trousers' had been any tighter Phil Collins could have played a solo on them. Drunken Duncan followed her around all evening with the salad servers - I think he was a drummer in a sixties northern band. No his hair is no better still falling out in clumps, I don't think he ever recovered from his wife running off with the window cleaner. Oh you're so right men of a certain age just shouldn't do pony tails and jeans. Especially not these new designer jeans, they look so grubby.
Then Amanda arrived...of course you know Amanda! Her of the heaving bosoms and elevator knickers... yes that Amanda! No she wasn't exactly wearing a top dahling, more like nipple protectors. Oh yes they were quite magnificent. Heaving mounds and not a stretch mark in sight. Shame about the tummy though, and she goes to the gym twice a week. Still if she will insist on having all her children by caesarean what can she expect?
Poor Malcolm, they didn't leave him alone for a second, he was getting so confused vacillating between bottoms and breasts, and then dahling, Chloe walks in...yes legs Chloe... Uh Uh! Wearing a belt, not even a pelmet dahling... a belt, I thought the dear man was going to explode. Of course she looked gorgeous, she always does, if she didn't take size eight shoes I wouldn't even speak to her.
All the young men were fighting over her. Delicious David took his top off - he does it so well, I told him he should rent himself out as a wall hanging. No, he laughed, I think he thought I was joking. Have you ever known me to joke about either art or men? Oh and Barry the bum was there! No not the tramp, the beautiful child with the perfect bottom, except he isn't a child any more he's over thirty and sagging slightly but still watchable.
Anyway back to the cats. The three of them were circling each other all night, claws out and positively spitting. It was too divine. Imogene and I had a book running as to which of them would end up in the master bedroom... Of course I know. Malcolm was on the phone first thing the next morning with far too much information... well I couldn't possibly tell you that, that would be gossiping and gossiping is not a pastime I indulge in dahling.
Oh no I have another call coming in, must go...oh all right but you promise not to tell a soul? It was.......
