Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the great man's journals and memoirs.

Since her arrival in England five or so years ago, our subsequent marriage and our setting up of house away from Hoot Hall and Aunt Lettice, Elspeth had been busy to the point of obsession with ensuring she missed no fashion or fad. The ridiculousness for all things Scottish was all down to our dearly departed Queen and so all manner of household items had at one point or another gotten a tartan makeover.

Alas, it spread to clothing, bedcovers and the like. I clearly remember one night when I totally lost Elspeth in bed due to the fact that her nightgown and sheets were exactly the same weave of Royal Stewart tartan (as were her gloves, bootees, nightcap and full face mask... please don't ask, dear reader). It was only when she snuggled up to me that I knew she was there. After that frightening episode I put my foot down and the tartan explosion was limited to placemats, cushions and clothes for the new baby. Oh yes, everything for many a year had a unique Scottish flavour as if it was by Royal decree, though hopefully with a new King on the thrown this would now ebb.

As we trundled along I pointed out as strongly as possible that the part of Scotland I would be heading for was one of the more remote parts and then I proceeded to tell her about the goings on at HMS Augustus, Biggfat almost pleading that the League get involved and the subsequent visit to Merrick. Elspeth, eyes always on the road, was intrigued by my description of the young cat-woman and decided there and then that she ought to take her luncheon or invite her over for her next local meeting of the NUWSS — suffragists. Oh and how I have suffered these last 3 years!

It was starting to get dark when we eventually pulled up outside the house. 'No more surprises tonight?' I asked as I got down and started to unload.

Elspeth smiled. 'It all depends...'

I frowned at this. 'Depends on what, pray?'

She poked her tongue out and laughed while waving the gift from Archie.

'Oh well, hmmm, I see... ah, here's Millicent.'

The maid Millicent arrived in the nick of time to save me from my wife. Mille and Cook were the only two servants we had at the townhouse. I never found a gentleman's gentleman as good as Sol-Tan, and he would never leave Auntie, more's the pity.

'Shall I take that, mum, and add it to the others?'

'Please do, Millie. I fear Mr Trewser has surpassed himself this year.'

'Quite so, mum. I'm sure we can find a place for it though.'

'Indeed yes, or at least for those times when Archie comes to visit,' I added.

Millicent dipped her head to hide a smile.

Elspeth gathered the remaining gifts. 'Well come on, we can't stay out here when Cook's probably been ready to dish up for the last half-hour or so.'

It never failed to amaze me how the young girl Millicent took such things in her stride. Still, I suppose that keeping our collection of foreign objects dusted and polished must have broadened her mind over the last few years.

From what I can remember the day ended with a birthday supper gloriously prepared by Cook. I must admit, by 9 o'clock I was very tired and emotional — it must have been all the excitement, the motoring, the air... and so I went to bed leaving Elspeth writing her 'tartan wish list', the top of which seemed to be some blankets for the car, while Millie busied herself finding the best place to display the staff of the God Quitzlelotapoplekettle amongst similar such trophies.

I awoke the next day with difficulty. My eyelids just did not want to open and something had been using my tongue and mouth as a nest. My head didn't seem to hurt, though, which I supposed was a bonus. However, my shins felt as though they'd been entertained by some trainee clog dancers. It was then I remembered walking into numerous wooden boxes still waiting to be unpacked following Bertie's and my return from the Orient. A brilliant idea then hit me — a way to move away from tartan. Why didn't I think of it before? Once Elspeth sees all this blue and white china....

'Good morning, honourable husband, I trust you slept well?'

I unglued my eyes to see Elspeth kneeling down at the bedside, peering around a heavily decorated fan and wearing one on the many qipaos that I had brought back for her... so much for that idea, then.

She rustled as she moved to help me up. 'Breakfast awaits.'

'What time is it?'

'A little after nine. Before you start, I know you wanted to get up early and get over to Hobbes, but I doubt he or Bertie would be up with the lark.

I flopped back onto the pillows. 'Arrgh! Why do you always have to be right?' I muttered.

Elspeth bent forward. 'What was that, honourable husband? I didn't quite catch that.'

'I said, "Good thinking, dearest".'

She smiled. 'Yes, I thought so too. Now come on: how do I look in this, then?' She pirouetted in front of me. 'I had to get Millie to tighten me up an extra notch to get it on, poor baby.' She patted her stomach. 'Those Chinese ladies must be so thin. How do they manage when they are with child? Do they wear corsets?'

Bertie would have come up with the answer to this, but all I could manage was, 'I really have no idea, but you look wonderful, a perfect mix of East meets West... but now I must have a cup of tea and perhaps some kippers.'

She waved the fan at me and a dozen blades flew through the air and hit the headboard. 'Oh my!'

'Ah, it would seem you opened the box containing the "Fer-Tang fighting fan". Exquisite design on the outside, but deadly in the right hands, as demonstrated to me by the lady Wun Toomen-He in Shanghai.'

'... or wrong hands, it would seem,' added Elspeth as she put the fan down carefully and tugged out one of the blades to examine it. 'Why did you bring this home with you?'

'One has enemies, as you know, Elspeth, and having seen this in action I thought it would be a useful addition to your wardrobe. I had hoped to give you some instruction on its usage, but that would seem rather pointless... hmmm? Although showing where the safety catch is would be prudent.'

'Knolly, I could have killed you!'

'Oh, I think not,' I chided and patted her hand. 'I haven't eaten yet, though mind you my aches and pains seem to have suddenly decided to beat a hasty retreat.'

Refreshed by a cup of tea, we set about tidying up the headboard and I showed her how to handle the fan. A hearty breakfast was just what the doctor ordered and after performing my ablutions and dressing accordingly, I was ready once more for the open road. Elspeth had expressed that she would get Millicent to ready my clothes for the journey north and when I enquired why, she told me she wanted to venture into town once more as the bits and pieces from China had given her an idea about redecorating one or two of the rooms. Further target practice had also meant our headboard was now urgently in need of replacement.

I offered a silent prayer to whoever might be listening in the fads and furnishing area of heaven and then stopped myself as I remembered the evening's conversation. 'Elspeth, you weren't serious about Merrick's lady friend, were you?'

'Yes and no. I don't think the ladies of the NUWSS are quite ready to have their minds opened to ideas that radical yet, but I do think the girl should go shopping.'

'Elspeth, she can't go out.'

'Nonsense. Millie and I have put together a bag of clothes which I shall take with me... and I've already sent a message to John to expect me this afternoon.'

She stood there, arms akimbo, ready for battle, and I could see in her eyes that it would not matter one jot what I had to say on the subject.

'Fine then. Please give John my regards, and I expect he'll have some information for me, too.'

'Good, I'll see you later then.'

'... er, you don't want a lift to the station then?' I inquired.

'Of course I do. Just let me get my hat pinned and my driving goggles on.'

The Great Knolly Archive

The Shepherd and
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17.05.07 Front Page

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