Doghouse Tails
Created | Updated Mar 4, 2004
The Canine Hits the Campus
Week One
Today I have been travelling in a brain. A brain on a white board. My travelling companions include: on the lower deck, a crocodile, who is apparently there to take care of me. Moving up a deck we meet the rabbit, who's function I have yet to comprehend. The top deck is split into two rooms. An ageing bearded hippy with a predilection for throwing coloured paper into the air resides in the room on the right, and the room on the left is occupied by a pen pushing bureaucrat. The ageing hippy's paper finds its way into the bureaucrat's room by way of a donkey bridge... and this, believe it or not, has something to do with education!
'Tense? Why should I be tense? Presently I am perfectly calm, though I fear in the future I could become progressively irritated and we are not even going to discuss my past!'
Adverbs are my recreation, apostrophes my nocturnal retail therapy. I don't suppose they have one in black and a size ten?
Week Two
How can one incur a hangover when not one drop of alcohol has been consumed? Head exercises are not my idea of a good night out.
I don't believe it! Why is the paying in book still on the table? Patrick promised he'd come round yesterday to pick it up. How come I've only just noticed it? Oh yes that nasty thing called 'homework' had my undivided attention... most unnatural.
Right take the paying in book round to Angela, she won't forget.
Oh look! Homework all done and nestling smugly in very smart looking briefcase, black of course. I think it is a designer something or other... thank you Baleesha a lovely leaving present. Don't think I should attempt the 'putting a secret code in' game, I have enough trouble finding my car in the mornings - remembering a secret code would I suspect be a challenge too far.
Oh perhaps Angela could get me some shampoo as well?
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Not bad, girl. Half past eight. Angela has bank book and shopping list, you're an hour early for college and there are masses of parking spaces. This isn't going to be so bad after all.
Time for one last ciggy? Where did I put them? In my briefcase, which is where?
ON THE B****Y KITCHEN TABLE!
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*Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr*
'Hello Patrick'
'How did it go?'
'Well if you'd remembered to collect my paying in book yesterday it would have gone a whole lot better!'
'I don't understand why did you need your paying in book for college?'
'I had to take the paying in book round to Angela because you forgot to collect it and I left my brief case on the kitchen table, so I had to drive back and get it.'
'Why did you need your briefcase? Oh! For college of course! Well that wasn't very clever, were you late?'
It really isn't worth the effort.
'Can you come out to play?'
'No I can't I have work to do. Tomorrow I have to answer the student question 'Is must the same as have to?' In thirty seconds.
'Well that can't be too difficult if you've only got to speak for thirty seconds'
'Oh you don't think so? One bl**dy grammar book alone has four pages on the subject, I daren't even open the other two!
'Mmmmm could be a bit tricky. Can't you just read the first line?'
Ignore him.
'I also have to start my first asignment tonight. 1800 words with seven headings discussing my observations and knowledge gleaned from a four and a half hour lesson in Hungarian!'
'Hungarian? Why are you learning Hungarian? I thought you were learning English. Did you go into the wrong class?'
'No I did not go into the wrong class. They just wanted us to have a four and a half hour lesson in Hungarian.'
'That's just stupid! You don't speak a word of Hungarian! Did you understand anything?'
He is right; it is most bizarre.
'Oh and just in case I get bored I have to plan a 'micro teach' for Thursday and somehow I don't think it has anything to do with ovens... Now s*d off I have work to do!'
Week Three
Oh that's nice, a demonstration. Cars tooting, students holding banners, Oh yes I like this. Will I sign the petition? Um... should a grown up who is going to be a teacher sign petitions, I wonder? And wear a sticker? Well I suppose it is pink and it would look rather nice against my black jumper. Allright so it's not Prada. Students don't do Prada, trust me I know; even black and stylish is borderline. Thank goodness Emily lent me her Peruvian coat of many colours. It may be a little loud but it screams 'student'. The gorgeous George, our tutor has already laid claim to it.
Half eight, oh good I've got time to go to the Ref. Rather an odd name for a restaurant I think, 'The Ref', but it does do a very nice line in mocha cappuccino, or is that choco express? I really can't see which button I'm pressing at this hour. Did I really stay up 'til half past two? And sober? Thank goodness for preparation H, at least the damage is minimised.
*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*
'Morning Patrick.'
'Where are you? I've been calling on your land line for ages.'
'Excuse me Patrick, I am a student now. Students have to go to college and do student things, I'm not quite sure what they are but I'm working on it.'
'Did you do your homework?'
'Of course I did my b****y homework! I was up till two b****y thirty doing my homework.'
'Just checking, there's no need to be rude. What's the matter?'
'Nothings the matter. Everything is fine. There's a demonstration going on and it's proper student land.'
'You've got teaching practice today haven't you?'
'Shut up!'
'Uh uh, that's why you're in a funny mood. Catch you later byeee.'
It's only teaching practice, practice, remember? It can't be that bad.
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*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*
'How did it go? Oh my g*d you're eyes are all red you've been crying. You look appalling! Tears don't suit you!'
'Patrick I was dreadful!'
'Don't be silly you can't have been dreadful, you don't do dreadful, you don't even do average.'
'Trust me sh*t doesn't come in a larger size; I was pants!'
'Shall we go to the pub? We could? But you mustn't tell anyone or I'm dead! I promised Angela and Baleesha that I would let you study and I wouldn't annoy you for four weeks.'
'I can't go to the pub. I've got an assignment to finish and teaching practice to prepare for tomorrow and as for the b****y grammar... What the hell is a modal auxiliary when it's at home and quite frankly has it got any friends at all? S*d it let's go to the pub!'
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*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*
Ohhhhh my head hurts!
*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*
Where's the phone?
*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*
What time is it? Six thirty!
*Brrrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrrrrr*
Dear god I only crawled into bed at four.
'Hello? Oh Hello Malcolm, how's Cambodia?... Well I told you, you wouldn't like it, you are so not a backpacker... I know you're not backpacking but I suspect Five star Cambodian hotels lose a little in the translation, hang on I've got to find the Berocca... No I did not get rat arsed! I went for a drink with Patrick and Chloe, two glasses of wine that was it, but I've been up all night studying... what's the weather like?'
Derr! It's hot you stupid cow. What else would it be?
'Anything I'd like? Where from? Do they have shops in Cambodia? Oh you're off to Thailand today are you? A watch would be cool, I need one for teaching practice... Yes I know I hate watches... Yes I know I can tell the time by the sun but that's not going to be a lot of use when I'm stuck in the b****y Rainforest is it! Speak to Amanda? Oh OK, I'll just put the kettle on. Hi Amanda... Well that's just terrific. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you are tanned to perfection and totally rested... What? Oh the watch. I don't care what make it is... Don't be daft I can't afford a Rolex!... No, not even a copy, I can't even afford a box of matches! Just a watch that goes and is big enough for me to see... Oh Ha b****y Ha, Big Ben, very droll. Allright, yes it would be nice if it went with black. Listen I have to go or I'll be late for college. No it's fine, piece of cake, I'll speak to you both tomorrow, bye.'
Where's the tea? Where are the mugs? What's all that paper doing everywhere? The kitchen is a disaster zone. When did the children come back? Oh my god they didn't! This is all me! I don't do mess! I do tidy! I do show house and white cushions! I'm going to cry. Don't be silly, you're going to have a cup of tea. That's what you do in emergencies 'have a cup of tea'. Milk? In Fridge? No... On top of the cooker. Of course, silly me, where else would it be?
It's off! It's worse than off - it's Camembert! Oh dear god! I really am a student!
