How to Open a Trendy Bar Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything

How to Open a Trendy Bar

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Trendy bars and clubs are springing up the world over and everyone wants to run one or be seen in one - they are not to be confused with theme pubs which attract an equal amount of scorn. Here you'll find easy-to-follow instructions on how to create yet another trendy bar all of your own:

  1. Find a suitable empty shop/deserted pub/cow shed.

  2. Purchase or lease said property and set target date for opening 2 weeks from the date of purchase.

  3. Clean inside of property while being careful not to disturb the peeling paintwork, rotten floorboards, paint spills on the concrete floor, or dry/wet rot in the window frames.

  4. Install furniture (in the loosest sense of the word), usually consisting of huge, orange leather sofas made in the 1960s, reclaimed barstools, and any old tables you can get your grubby paws on. It is, however, imperative that these items of 'furniture' do not match each other in any way, shape or form.

  5. Steal old pictures and clocks from your grandmother's house and use some wire wool to 'distress' them. Once 'distressed' hang these items around the 'bar' taking great care not to hang them straight and level.

  6. Think of a name, then misspell it, then add a random number. This will be the name of your bar. Paint this name onto the outside of your building in letters an electron microscope would have difficulty reading.

  7. You are now ready for the drinks. Choose a group of no more than four bottled beers. Add vodka and gin to the selection.

  8. Open bar, charge over the odds for entry, add a third to the price of every drink. Sit back and watch the money roll in.

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