If we look at the software packages available today, then it is almost impossible to think that they were conceived by someone sober. All the stories we hear about these computer guru’s are all the same. Sandal wearing, pot smoking, bean bags, etc.

I do not wear sandals, smoke or own any bean bags but I do like my wine. I am currently working on a program which can be used by creative people who have drunk a few glasses.

It is designed to make use of the extra potential we all express after we have had a few. Wine opens up your mind, takes away your inhibitions and magnifies you lateral thinking abilities.

Here is a brief user-guide.

• Turn on the computer
• Run the Wine-thinkers program
• Drink a glass of wine
• Drink another glass
• Drink yet another glass
• Buy a round
• Have one for the road
• Sit in front of the computer(if you do not see the screen then you are at the back)
• Press the Return Key
  If the program sees that you have pressed the correct key then the message “you have not had enough, have another drink” will appear
• Keep drinking until the computer tells you to stop
• You are now ready to start using the program. At this point try and enter your ideas into the computer, this can be done using the keyboard, via the microphone or by just looking into the Camera(version
  6.00 tries to read from your facial expressions what you are trying to say)
• The next day run the program in /Sober mode
• Print out the ideas of the night before, note all ideas are automatically sent via the internet to all users who have paid a full licence fee for this program
• Try to get a loan from your bank to form a company based on your idea.
• If that does not work then don not worry, sooner or later someone who has paid the full licence fee for this program will call you to back your idea..

Optional Module WineThinkers BrainGuard

The WineThinkers-BrainGuard Version of the software is designed to run in the background. It works like an anti-virus but instead of checking for viruses it protects you from doing silly things with your PC while inebriated. I loaded it on the computer of a local restaurant which uses it’s PC to play music. The program came into action after a few hours when the owner started playing Love letters in the sand by Pat Boone, it swiftly changed into DJ mode and started playing some decent stuff.

Just think , today you may still have been in your job if the BrainGaurd program was running when you emailed the ‘I am going to tell you what I really think” letter to your boss.

Lets look at how BrainGuard determines your level of Drunkenness

Driving a mouse in a state of drunkenness.

This was a very difficult thing to verify, in the end we used artificial intelligence and neural networks to build a model which worked well. We spent over 3000 hours and consumed more than 9000 glasses of wine to train the neural network. The system can detect the exact amount of alcohol content in you body just by the way you move the mouse around, local police are carrying out tests outside discotheques and bars, the system is much more accurate and cheaper than breathalysers and they can also play games on it while they are waiting.

Keyboard fondling and qwerty’s wet patch

This method is used to determine your state of intoxication if the mouse has not been used enough. After various tests we noticed that the more glasses we drunk the more we fondled the keyboard (try it at home). Added to other observations, double letters, time between strokes, the odd headbut, invention of new words and increased use of badly spelt swearwords. We also noticed that the moisture content of the keyboard increases significantly with the amount of wine consumed (a hidden camera revealed test subjects - drooling, spitting and one even licked the keyboard).

On multimedia models we have included extra tests to verify your state of drunkenness using camcorders and built-in Microphones.